Streets vs. Sheets (A Tom Hiddleston FanFic)

Secrets

I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to post this chapter! I had written it three different times and hated it until I got this and was happy. It again has a lot of backstory in it but it helps with the character development. I hope you like it!-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 10:

He kisses me with a sense of urgency but is still gentle. I don’t know when, but I’ve apparently moved into a straddling position on top of him and his hands are working their way through my hair, down my back and sides, slipping under my shirt… Oooh.

The moan escapes without warning but I don’t even care. His mouth moves to my neck and he pulls back my head by my hair. I love the pain and my body erupts in tingles. My hands explore his bare chest and arms and I feel the muscles bulge and tighten. I run my hands through his black curls and he starts to move me onto my back. If we don’t stop now, I’m afraid I won’t be able to say no.

“Tom,” I say in between kisses. “Tom, I’m sorry.” He stops kissing me and looks at me with worry.

“What, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry, please forgive-“

“Tom, no, you didn’t hurt me. You did everything right—perfect actually. I just…” I trail off. I stand up and run my hands over my face and back through my hair.

“Too fast?” He says and begins to walk toward me.

“I can’t date you. I just can’t. I practically work for you!”

“You don’t work for me, you work for Josh. I’m just present while you’re working.” He jokes and tries to reassure me my grabbing my hand and squeezing it but I yank it away.

“No, Tom. I can’t. I’m really sorry but can just try to be friends? For now, at least.” He looks pitiful and crushed. I feel terrible but I simply can’t date him while we’re still filming. I won’t allow it, no matter how much I desperately want him.

“I understand. Forgive me for being so forward, Alice.” I crushed me to see the look on his face. He was hoping for something different, but I just couldn’t give that to him, not now. I wanted him to be different than all the other guys I’ve been with because he is different. I can tell by the way I feel when I’m around him and that feeling lingers even after he’s gone.

We sat in an awkward silence for a while after that. He looked heart-broken and I could practically feel his pain. I wanted to be with him, I did. Every part of me screamed yes but my mind said no. I felt tears hot on my cheeks and excused myself to the bathroom. He deserved to know why but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him more about my past; more about the men I’ve been with. He’s learned more about me tonight than I care to admit. I cry silently into a towel and argue with myself on whether I should tell him everything; every hidden secret and every mistake I’ve ever made. If he can still look at me like he currently does after he learns about it all, then I’ll know that he’s the one.

I wash my face to erase the streaks from crying and walk back into the living room. Tom has put on a shirt and is sitting with his face in his hands. I stare at him for a few moments before sitting next to him.

He looks up at me and I put up a finger to silence whatever apology he was about to make.

“Don’t speak, just listen.” I say and look him in the eye. He nods and places a hand on my back for support. He’s always a gentleman.

“You don’t know everything about me and that’s not fair. So, I’m going to tell you everything. I’ve done some fucked up shit I’ve never admitted to some of the things that I’m about to tell you so please, just bear with me and save questions and judgments until the end. Okay?” He nods again and I take a deep breath before spilling my guts.

“When I was sixteen I got a job at a diner. I had just started going to therapy and my therapist thought getting a job would be good for me as a way of keeping me busy from screwing around all the time. Turns out it wasn’t such a good idea.

“My boss was a guy named Alan and he was a creep. He started hitting on me subtly and asked me to have a lunch meeting with him one day which turned into ‘oh hey, let’s bang’. It eventually became an everyday thing until the assistant manager walked in on me giving him a blowjob. Alan said I came onto him and forced myself onto him and I was fired on the spot. After that I made a rule to never date a co-worker.”

Tom looked at me with remorse and moved his hand from my back to my lap and he laced his fingers with mine. The gesture comforted me and helped me continue.

“The pills my therapist gave me started making me feel bloated and gain weight. I noticed that my pants were tight one day and weighed myself. I started bawling when I saw the number and went on a workout spree for the next few weeks. The weight wasn’t coming off because of the pills and so I stopped taking them and stopped eating food regularly. I’d go a day without food and then eat grapes or carrots or anything small. I did this for a bit and noticed that I was dropping the pounds pretty quick and wondered how skinny I could get. So, I set a goal of five pounds lighter and started going on runs and then throwing up whatever food I ate. I lost weight quick and then my mom and doctor’s noticed the dramatic decrease in weight and started monitoring me; forcing food down my throat and following me into the bathroom to make sure that I didn’t throw it up. I started gaining weight again and with each pound that I gained, I would cut.” I pause and notice that tears were streaming down my face and my voice was shaking. I stand up and lift up my shirt and expose the scars that reside under my bra and on my hips as well. I don’t dare look at Tom’s face because I know that I’ll break if I do.

“I got a new therapist and got a new medication and started feeling better. My sex drive was non-existent and my mood swings were gone. I started focusing on school and brought my grades up and graduated with honors. I started feeling better and stopped taking the pills and now… here I am.” I look at Tom and see that he’s been letting tears traveling down his cheeks. I almost break apart seeing the look that he gives me. “I told you that I’m fucked up.” I joke and let out a slight laugh. I feel Tom’s arms wrap around me and it sends me over the edge. I cry into his chest and he grips me tighter and whispers “you’re so beautiful, it’s okay, let it out, I’m here for you, I’m not going anywhere” into my ear and I realize that he really means it.

I stop crying after a few minutes but Tom doesn’t let go of me that easily. He leans our bodies back onto the couch and cuddles me close to him and wraps us up in a blanket.

“I don’t think you’re fucked up, Alice.” He says softly while petting my head with one hand and clenching me to him with the other. “I think you’re perfect.”

I look up at him and meet his eyes. Our faces are so close to touching but the distance feels like a mile is between us. I reach up with one hand and pull his face down toward mine and lock our lips together.

“What about your rule?” Tom asks. I stand up and start pulling him toward the hallway.

“It’ll be our little secret.”