F.E.A.R

The Name of F.E.A.R

My F.E.A.R has a name. His name is Anger. His name is Self-Hatred. His name is Dissasociation. His name is Dysphoria. His name is Judgement. His name is Discrimination. His name is Oppression. He is always there. He lives inside my head. He lurks through every corner of the darkness of my mind. He hides in every crevace. He slithers around my brain like a tempting snake. He controls, he abuses, he holds me captive.

His name is Anger. He forces madness to well up inside of me. If there is something I can not stand, the Serpentine Matriarch sinks her snake-like fangs into my mind, injecting angered venom into every section of my brain. I can not remove this horrible venom from my mind. The anger stays there, all bottled up in my head- waiting to explode. The venom, the anger- it stays in my mind. F.E.A.R prevents me from letting it out. The Serpentine Matriarch puts it there, and F.E.A.R keeps it there. He forever forces me to hold it all in. He forever forces me to stop my mouth from opening and releasing anger. My F.E.A.R's name is anger, and he always infects my mind.

His name is Self-Hatred. He poisons every area of my mind with his words, confusing me into thinking that I'm not worth it. He infects every section of my brain. He whispers inside my mind, making me believe that I'm not beautiful. He makes me believe that I'm at the bottom of the food chain. He changes my way of thinking, forcing me to believe that I don't fit society's standards. I don't look beautiful enough. I need makeup every day. I don't dress feminine once in a while I should wear a skirt. Maybe some cute boots or heels would go nice with it. If I wear pants and sneakers in public, people will call me a boy again. My hair never lays right. My hands are too small. My face is too masculine. I'm too quiet and shy. My F.E.A.R's name is Self-Hatred, and he always infects my mind.

His name is dissasociation. He keeps me away from everyone, locked in my room. He whispers in my head, telling me that it's better to be alone. He tells me that it's better to stay away from people. If I stay away, no one can hurt me. No one can judge me. No one can affect me. He keeps me locked away in a dark cell. He keeps me locked away from the world. If I want to exit the dark, lonely cell, he forces me to think about it first. "Is it really worth it to leave the safety of your room for a drink? Your parents will yell at you. They'll get angry with you. They'll hurt your feelings. Your sister will insult you." These are the different things that he whispers through the cavity in my skull where my brain rests. My F.E.A.R's name is dissasociation, and he always infects my mind.

My F.E.A.R's name is Dysphoria. Every day he whispers painful thoughts into my mind- "your thighs should be smaller and your breasts should be flat" and "you should be able to see the bones through your legs." Every day these thoughts run through my mind, put there by F.E.A.R. they make me hate my body. Because ofthem, I hate my thighs. Because ofvthem, I wish I didn't have female breasts. I wish my thighs were smaller. Even though my breasts are small, I wish I didn't have them at all. My F.E.A.R's name is Dysphoria, and he always infects my mind.

My F.E.A.R's name is Judgement. My F.E.A.R's name is Discrimination.Everywhere I go, whenever I'm in public, he puts a thought in mmy head. This thought forces me to believe that everyone is out to get me. This thought forces me to believe that everyone I come across will judge me. I wear all black. My makeup is different- I only do a wing on one eye. My bangs cover one of my eyes. My hair is cut into layers. My hair has spikes. I wear all black. I'm quiet. I'm antisocial. I'm Caucasian. I dress like a boy. I crochet. I write stories. J'm an artist. He makes me believe that I will be judged for every single one of these qualities. My F.E.A.R's name is Judgement, my F.E.A.R's name is Discrimination, and he always infects my mind.

My F.E.A.R's name is Oppression. He has me believing that no matter where I go, I will always be oppressed. No matter where I go, who I am will always be oppressed. I am a lesbian. I have a girlfriend. Everywhere I go, I am oppressed for that, and not allowed to hold her hand. I am not allowed to kiss her cheek. Everywhere I go, I am oppressed for being a witch. I am not able to wear my Pentacle necklace to certain places. I am oppressed for who I am. F.E.A.R's voice in my mind forces me to believe that I will be oppressed for who I am and everything I believe, no matter where I go. My F.E.A.R's name is Oppression, and he always infects my mind.

My F.E.A.R has a name. His name is Anger. His name is Self-Hatred. His name is Dissasociation. His name is Dysphoria. His name is Judgement. His name is Discrimination. His name is Oppression. He is always there. He is the lion in the back of my mind, prowling in every corner of the darkness inside my skull, seeking to devour every ounce of my wellbeing.