Spacing Out Thoughts

Solace in Melancholia

"I see comfort under the covers of sadness. I see peace. I see calm. I always feel at ease."

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First, how can one tell that they are feeling sad? How can I tell? For you see, in front of my friends and family, they always see that signature grin plastered playfully on my lips, teeth shown, lips outstretched. I try to crack jokes, some good, some lame. They would always see me smile, hear that cheerful bark of laughter. I can see me smile. A smile that does not even held meaning. Is it not sad?

It always feels gloomy thinking about how miserable you are. However, you cannot just get rid of the forlorn thoughts. You have used to it that it does not even worry you at all. You would just allow yourself bathing comfortably in melancholy.

I know, sadness is a negative thing. But I always find myself at home under the shelter of loneliness. I find solace. I find a fortress. For in melancholia, not only have I found solace, but I have found a sanctuary.

I guess I had enough for an introduction. Unfortunately, I am afraid I am not going to discuss the reasons behind this melancholy I possessed for this page is solely for the question of how I find solace in melancholia.

I could be happy, you know. I could try. I do not know how, but I think I could try. I could search for sheer bliss and wrapped myself with its warmth. I could do that. So why do I allow myself stuck in the bottom of emptiness?

There are quite a few of reasons why. For one, I tell you, happiness is not free. In the expense of glee, one must pay it with effort. For instance, you wanted to achieve ecstasy out of the power of love. So what should you do? You woo this love you desire of, give out all your effort and all. It would be worth it at the end, that is true. Worth it, but do you think not it is somehow draining? Pardon my pessimism, but that I wanted to speak.

You can name me a slacker, go on, I would not blame you. However, just so you know, I do not think I am a lazy, unmotivated, uninspired person. Truth be told, I call myself that but there is always a reason behind. I am too sunken deep with the feeling of blue that I do no think I could still move forward. You see, I am also frightened. Frightened that if I surrender myself to happiness, what would become of me? A lively girl, of course. But, would that be the real me? I am the real me. This sadness lurking within is me. If ever I give it up, would I still be me? That I could not tell.

I see solace in melancholia. I found comfort. For in loneliness, there is nothing much to do. What would one do with all these nothingness? Tedious, of course it is, yet relaxing. Doing nothing might not lead one to greatness, but it is safe.

Safe? How?

I see solace in melancholia. I found a sanctuary. It is safe under the cloud of gloom. You see, grabbing happiness, there are several risks. One cannot obtain bliss if one have yet not experience to suffer. Suffering always comes first. Honestly, I do not want that. Go on, call me a coward. I tell you, if you have read the preceding page, I hate pain. Suffering means pain, that is dreadful. I do not want that. So now you know, how I feel safe with this misery. For in melancholy, you are not obliged to walk through the road of thorns to attain that lovely rose. In melancholy, you are the rose secured safe and alone in a jar made of glass.