Pain

Pain

Through the tiny slit of my opened door, I glanced longingly at the party that was happening out there. What I could see did not paint the most wondrous of picture, but the pure intensity of the light was enough to light up the enveloping darkness of my room. It was enough to remind me of the growing emptiness, of the crawls digger deeper into my heart.

I caught a glance of the children, shooting around the living room, bustling one end to the other and erupting into random giggles that were always replied with amused chuckles and pacifying coos. That was when the sight of the man emerged into view as well, though only a portion of his face showed, the slight upturn of his lips was unmistakable, and so was the warmth in his eyes as he scooped his eldest child into his thick arms.

My throat clenched and grew parched.

I adverted my gaze and allowed the door to click shut.

Resting my back against the door, I stared at the darkness before me. Though a tiny night lamp managed to cast its shimmering light into the corners of the room, I could feel its powers dimming as the demons crawled out from its hiding spots. Somehow, the room grew darker than before, and before me I could see not my bed nor my desk, but the smile on his face and the glittering warmth in his eyes.

Suddenly he turned towards me.

The image shattered and dissipated into nothingness.

The first tear made it passed my eyes, and subsequently, more followed. I choked back my cries, allowing the tears to descend to form wet patches on my blanket, the only thing in my room that was able to provide me a tad of comfort and safety. With trembling hands, I wrapped the blanket around myself and huddled into its superficial warmth. I placed my cheek against the soft surface and rubbed against it in a pretence of someone being there beside me to rub away my tears. I imagined calloused fingers clearing my sorrow away, embracing my body and murmuring comforts into my ears.

Into the night, as the noise outside continued to rumble on with growing crescendo, I burrowed deeper into my blankets and ended up a curled vulnerable ball on the cold marble floor.

I did not know how long I stayed there, but a soft knock broke me out of my trance.

Freezing, I held on to my lifeline and clutch my blanket closer to my chest.

“…Kid…Kid…you there?”

The familiar voice registered in my ears, and my heart twisted in another agonising way. Staying where I was, I bit onto my lips, choosing to stare at a patch on the floor.

“Let me in…please?”

My heart cracked, and my first sound of the day escaped from my lips. It was soft whimper, so achingly vulnerable and weak that I banged my head back against the wall in frustration. Somehow, that fuelled his desperation to get to me.

“Kid? Kid? Please!”

Before I could stop myself, I twisted the doorknob and the door slowly inched inwards. The familiar figure lingered at the doorway, eyes scanning the room, not yet catching the pathetic mess I was reduced to on the floor.

When the hazelnut orbs finally met my gaze, he did not hesitate to step into the room. Despite the overwhelming darkness, he closed the door behind him and knelt before me. I could sense the concern lingering in his gaze, the twitch in his arms as he held them firmly by his side. He kept a respectful distance from me with his head titled to a side in askance.

“Are you ok?”

It wasn’t a question about why I had segregated myself from my…family. It wasn’t even a question about why my father knowingly allowed my self-imposed separation. It was instead about my wellbeing…about me.