I am still alive.

You weren't aware of how the situation affected me. How hard the news hit me. All my breath left my lungs and I felt as though I was suffocating. Like I was drowning in my own despair. I could see how much it hurt you to watch me go through this. Not being able to help. Not knowing how to. You shattered my world and you can't fix it. He was my world, and in my eyes, you were the one to destroy my world. My life. You were the one that gave me the news that basically ended my life. You told me that my father died, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to cope. You had no safely net to protect me from myself. You watched on from the sideline as I slowly spiralled out of control. 'I love you so much,' you say, as if that would heal my broken soul. I lost my appetite and slept for most of the days, only ever crying myself to sleep. And when I ever emerged from my room it would be to use the toilet or sit in the bath and stare blankly at the bleak curtains hanging down from the window, and let fat tears slide down my thinning face. The bathroom was cluttered, like my mind. There were things all over the counter: old toothbrushes that should have been thrown out months ago, half empty bottles of shampoo, a long dead succulent plant. All the clutter on the bench cluttered my mind, and I forgot to lock the bathroom door. I let my mind float to him. To think of the times my father was there for me. How he taught me to put the chain back on a bicycle, when he'd apologise after telling me off because he knew how much it scared me when he was angry. I remember the time we rode to the beach on his push bike, me on the middle bar because I was too slow of a rider to ride on my own, and we had an accident and broke my foot. He was so scared that I had been hurt he cried right there. But I didn't cry because I knew I was safe when I was with him. My father was my light. My life, and now he is gone. You were losing me to the darkness once again, but this time, I didn't want to come back. I wanted to be gone. I wanted the darkness to engulf me. Suffocate me. Let me feel numb. But most of all, reunite me with my dad. You weren't supposed to walk in on me in the bathtub the day I decided I wanted to go home, into my father's arms. You walked in and muffled a scream. 'Ruth, no!' You cried out, afraid you were going to lose me to. Granted it was a sight to see, me lying in the bathtub with deep slashes along my arms, blood pouring out and a small smile on my face for the first time since Dad died. 'I'm going to be happy mum, please let me go,' I said with all the dying energy I could muster. 'I want to be with dad again. I can't stand to be alive while he is not.' I didn't notice that you had been on the phone while I sat in deadly bliss. You came over to me with thick bandages and tried to cover my arms, I squirmed futilely, lack of blood made me weak and tired. 'I'm going to sleep now mum' I mumbled. 'Don't you dare leave me Ruth! Stay with me, help will be here any minute, just don't go to sleep just yet. Please don't leave me.' Your voice cracked when you said my name and in that moment, I knew how you felt. You were feeling the way I was when I found out dad died. And for you, I didn't let myself sleep, but oh did I want to. It felt like forever when I heard the front door being kicked in and loud footsteps trampling though my mother's house looking for me. "We're down here!' you called getting their attention. You were so relieved when they came bustling though the bathroom's door, I could see it in your eyes. I stayed awake for you as long as I could, but it was hard and I was tired. 'I love you mum,' I slurred falling into blackness, letting the darkness I had been longing for engulf me...

I could hear you crying as quietly as you could by my bed when I was coming to. I felt you shaking as you held my hand in a vice like grip, you didn't want to let go in fear of letting me go. That was your biggest fear in that moment, losing me before I had the chance to live. I didn't want to open my eyes I wanted to dead like dad, but I was still alive. I was still alive and with you, and you were still alive. As much as I wanted to be dead and with dad, to forget all the pain I felt radiating through my body, I had to appreciate you were still there for me, that you were still alive and fighting for me to be too. Your strength gave me the strength to keep living. I opened my eyes slowly and took in my surroundings. I was hooked up to way too many machines, all beeping and whirring, the heart monitor was a constant beep, beep, beep, telling you I was okay and alive, heart still beating. The room wasn't as small as I would have anticipated for someone like me, a suicidal person with barely any will to live. My arms ached and I saw they were covered in large white gauze, with red patches showing the choices I had made. My heart ached just as much as my arms, I regret hurting now. When I looked at you, and you looked like you hadn't slept is days, your short blonde hair was a mess, like you hadn't brushed it either, and you had a bit of a bad smell radiation off you making me scrunch up my nose in disgust. I could feel the worry coming off you in waves, you thought I wasn't going to wake up, you were so afraid. How long have I been out? I had thought to myself, surely it couldn't have been that long... could it? I looked around once again, and saw that you had brought me a bag of things. I could see you packed my favourite Twentyone Pilots shirt and my baby, Jasper, the teddy that was with me though my first few bouts with depression, I believe that he calming properties and you went with my weird thoughts, always supporting me. Only you knew how much Jasper meant to me. It was then that I begun to fully appreciate you, I began to realise how much I actually meant to you. You knew me, you really knew me. You paid attention when I talked, you listened to what I had to say. And I nearly threw all that away over my devastation of losing my father. That's when I started crying for you, and what I nearly did to you. 'I'm so sorry mum' I whispered to you, body shaking from guilt and fear. Your head shot up and I could fully see the bloodshot in your eyes and the tear streaks down your cheeks, you had been so afraid of losing me 'I'm so sorry I nearly killed you, you don't deserve the pain I caused you.' You leaned over and hugged me as hard as you would let yourself, knowing I was still a fragile piece of glass on the verge of breaking again. 'Oh honey, you had me so stricken, but I am so, so glad that I got you in time. I don't know what I would have done without you. You're my baby, my love, my eldest daughter. You mean so much to me, and I am so proud of how strong you can be, I know you can through this.' You looked at me with such sincerity it was hard not to feel guilty about almost shattering your world. 'You mean as much to me, as your father did to you.' We sat there in silence for a few minutes taking in the moment that we became closer. Closer than we have ever been, and as bad as it sounds, I am glad I nearly died in order for us to cross the divide that split us. You may not be my father and will never be able to replace the love I got from him, but I'll be damned that you can love me a whole other way that is just as much. Your love is that of a mother and that's why you won't be able to replace him, but you sure as hell can love me like a mother should, because that's your job. I smiled at you, knowing this was going to be the hardest part of my life, but I was certain I could get through it. I could get through anything as long as I didn't throw you away again, as long as I let you in to help. Your face told me that regardless of what I go through, or what we go through together you would be there for me, with me. You would never forsake me. That is why even though I no longer have my father to watch over, I still have you, and that is better than anything I could ask for.