a girl and her crush.

to start it off

there's a boy.
like, everybody gets crushes, everybody likes somebody. wether it's a girl liking a girl, a girl liking a boy, vice versa, everybody likes somebody. the girl meets an intresting boy? fun. that one straight guy starts getting a few feelings about another boy? fine. but itll happen, as it happens to almost everybody. it's part of finding out who you like. i like a boy. but there's just so many problems with it. so many obstacles. i don't know why i like him. some people are so obsessed with liking people, finding out who others like. when people ask, " is there anybody you have your eye one?" the immediant stereotypical response when somebody saids yes is excited and crazy. " who is it?!1!1! " " dO i kNoW thEm?" i wish i didn't like him. i w i s h i didn't like him. he causes me so much trouble. why would i like somebody who drives me crazy? i wish i knew. there's just something about him. and i don't know why im so drawn to him.
let's talk about 'him'. im sure most people are expecting me to describe some beautiful, perfect, popular, super nice boy. maybe people want me to describe that super cool star football player. a nice, charming guy. right? isn't that what all girls (or guys) want? ( we can talk about josh dun for hours, but as much as i love him he's unfortunately not the 'him' at my school. ) im sorry to crush the majority's dreams, but the super sweet, cool, athlete isn't the guy im describing. the 'him' im so interested in, is kind of an asshole. let's talk about the type of asshole he is as i don't want you guys thinking he's that annoying kid in history class that when the teacher asks about the society of south america he recites the entire declaration of independence. he's a very lowkey, petty type of asshole. not the intelligent, amazing ones on tumblr, but the ones who are very open to what they say and crosses the line of appropriateness. honestly trying my best to explain this here. he's not super bad, but people have opinions and im giving you guys the worst taste. i guess you could just say he's very humorous, but at the same time he'll say something or make a joke and you'd just be like... "did he actually just say that?" i think the only reason i don't get too offended by the quite offensive things he saids is because i have a dark sense of humor and i find things funny even if to some people there not.
im not sure how else to put it, maybe if i end up liking the way this goes ill talk about him more and you can figure out what i mean. so why do i like him so much? i dont want too. i don't know how i can. i dont like most people. me? i just dont know what's wrong with me. i wouldn't say im the nicest person ever,i am pretty sarcastic. i say what i think in a situation, unless it would just kill someone to hear what i was thinking. im honest. i go to more of a logic appeal than an emotional one. im in highschool. my entire years ive dealt with my friends dating 7 people in one year, ( i honestly wish i was exaggerating ). ive never had any great appeal to the boys that go to our school. ive had only few, suttle relationships, one being a boy outside of school. thing is, im not a dumbass. i will always ask the question why girls will repeatedly date boys when they know the outcome. they see a boy, they flirt untill they get the message. most school boys just go along with any relationship, even if it's not honest. and then after an amount of time it ends with a breakup + a girl posting snapchats about how she has an awful life and how she has nobody to love her when in reality the only reason she got to date the guy in the first place is because she is well known and "liked". i dislike the word popular due to controversy around the world. just because your popular, does not mean that people like you. but that's how it works right? girls are pretty, they are the ones to get relationships with the better looking guys? i don't know how it works out that the better looking guys usually turn into fuckboys, and im not saying all do. but it is too common. again, this is pure experience coming from my school. but to get onto topic, i don't consider myself popular. i dont consider myself pretty or exactly skinny. and to get this clear, i have acne. and when i say that i don't mean i get a few zits now and then. i mean A C N E. i have red zits covering my cheeks and it doesn't disappear. isn't it so ironic that the popular girls are the ones with flawless skin, and quite thin feautures, not a flaw on their face? i feel like im summarizing every shitty movie that has the same story or character story line of a characters stereotypical school. i wish i could say there were more lgbtq+ people that were more well known. i wish i could say the brats with the bad attitude didn't get the attention they don't deserve. but it's not. it's one big movie; one big storyline, and the same annoying, stupid story of how i fell for a problematic boy, who will never understand that i could possibly be someone he is interested in and a boy who is not only 2 years older than me, but a boy who will never see me as more than an average boring (slightly emo) nerd.
- if anybody wants me to move along with this, i have some ideas. i want this to stay honest, so id continue talking about how me and him are evolving ( me with this stupid crush ), and i was thinking maybe i could talk about some moments ive had with him, if anybody who likes this story wants to know more about him/me. if you want you can comment what you think and if you want me to do some more chapters, or if you think this thing is stupid, leave a comment. im sure me and my anxiety will cope well with that. thanks.