I'm not really interested in life, but I have no other choice so I'm here. It's funny how things change but what's funnier how we change. It's 15th of Nov 2016. It's already cold in NYC and I'm sitting on one of the highest buildings which make it colder. But it's not colder than how I feel. The view from here is breathtaking and I'm actually willing to take my breath away and in another word I want to die. It's my seventh time in this month to come here. I want jump to throw myself off from here and shut everything off. I thought about the worst scenario. "the daughter of millionaire Mike Arthur found dead across his building when she throw herself from the roof" well such a good topic to media to talk about. To be honest I want this more than anything but this is not what I'm looking for. Yes death might be my escape but what I'm afraid of is. What if death isn't my safe heaven. What if all this pain will transfer with me there, the same way like my body and my name. I'm actually craving death that's why I'm here today and almost everyday. But I'm not brave enough to take such a step to the unknown. Maybe I'm so weak in a way I can't do anything I can't even end my life, though it's very easy. All I need to do is take a step forward and I be flying for 20 seconds or so enjoy the cold breeze and the noise of NYC streets, I might think about my last word, then I'll be facing the ground hit by it and it's all over. But it's harder than it seems. I don't feel like doing it, I actually don't feel anything. It's like this whole universe is a death trap. Everyone is talking about living having a perfect life and then BOOM plot twist you lose everything and you are dead but still breathing. I don't remember the last time I felt alive. I barley feel anything. I don't know if that's healthy but this how things goes. Tragically sad. I always remember back when I was happy and on ninth cloud but not anymore. That's probably the reason of my misery, I can't believe that I'm here living this. Sometimes I wonder what's like to be happy again. But I'm not looking forward to feel this again. Because what's the point of feeling something that will disappear any second. Yeah that might be depressing you might even call me "happy phobics" if it's even a word. I'm scared to live to be happy to feel alive. Because the amount of pain after it. Is heartbreaking. Now I don't really want to live I just wanted to stop. What ever is it. I wanted to stop. I wish my body was a phone or a radio which has a switch off and on bottom, so I can stop this misery.
"you're e here again" I heard a familiar voice from behind. I turned around and I saw the same drunken guy who I've met the previous times I came here. I think he lives here or something like that.
"I think I am" I simply said turning my head to the street. I heard his foot steps and then he settled down near me. He handed me his bottle.
"take some of it will help you to jump, you know drunk people are the bravest who takes the worst decision or the best or whatever" he said sarcastically
"are you shitting me? don't you see that I'm trying to decide if I'm gonna leave life or not and you are offering me a drink. Seriously dude! " I said raising my brow.
He laughed and took a big gulp of his drink. " because I know you are not going to jump so I'm trying to help" grinning to me
"I don't need your help but thanks anyway" I said sighing and looking at the sky it looks very beautiful with all the corruption in this universe the moon and stars still making it extremely stunning. Sometimes I spend hours waiting for a shooting star but I never a wish I don't really have one but I like seeing it's habit of mine since I was young. I used to sit on the ground at backyard and wish to be like a superwomen to catch it or be some kinda of a wizard and make magic to get all the things I dream of.
"weather you jump or just leave if you didn't notice someone is trying to chill and actually you are ruining my night" the guy said while lighting a cigarette. He inhaled the smoke making a cloud above him.
