Lauren POV
Have you ever felt like you been thrown from the edge of something high maybe a mountain or a building, that you felt that you are falling that you stopped worrying about everything that you know no matter how you try to survive you know that it's hopeless, you are trying so hard to breath. your head spinning everything seems so unfamiliar. All you think about is the moment you crush down and die. But this moment never happened because the building that your threw yourself from is too high maybe it's on the top of the moon or something higher you never seems to hit the ground. Well this how I feel my whole world is falling apart. I feel like dying but I'm still alive. I feel like I'm losing my breath but I seem to catch it every once in awhile. I feel like I am unconscious but I could see things clearly. It's like I'm supposed to be dead but I'm not.
"Earth to Lauren" my brother said and snap me out of my thoughts and throw himself on couch next to me. I was sitting on the living room. Feeling lazier than ever. Doing nothing but staring at the ceiling. Unlike my brother who looks very hyper. He just got from work. Well at least there's someone who can take over the family business. My brother Joseph is a very hardworking man. He is 26 but his whole life is about how to be successful. Unlike me how to be dead or how to be depressed or maybe how to be a zombie.
"when are you planning to live?" he asked me untying his tie and placing it on the table in front of us. He looked at me. I know he was serious about this. He locked his eyes with mine. I bit my lip. He sighed because I didn't reply.
"Duh don't you see I'm so alive, check my heartbeats" I said sarcastically and grabbed his hand and placed on my heart. He rolled his eyes.
"No I'm serious" he said his eyes softened and he removed his hand way from my heart and grabbed my hand in his. "Enough with what you are doing. You are just hurting yourself. You hurting me, our parents and your friends. You know Emily missing you so much she would die to see you" he said tighten his grab on my hand.
I felt a sting in my heart. Emily was my best friend until I shut her out like everyone else. I couldn't say anything. Sometimes I have nothing to say. Or even if I do no one will understand.
"you can't do that to yourself you need to wake up before it's too late" he said and I laughed dryly.
"It's already too late. Don't ask from me to bring your old sister because she's dead. Okay " I stood quickly from that couch feeling my throat dry I didn't want to cry. Not in front of him. "don't tell me to do things I'm not capable of doing. I can't, I don't have the energy to do anything or be anything anymore" I said looking through his eyes. He looked so sad. And I was so angry. I don't know what comes over me lately. Whenever someone talks to me I get mad like their words were causing a headache for me.
"I don't really get it why you keep trying to help me. When are you gonna understand that I don't want to help myself. Can't you see that I'm okay with myself. I don't really care about who misses me or anything I just want to be alone" I said my gaze never leaving his.
"we want to help you because we love you" he said softly trying to make me calm but I was so out of it. And fed up from everything especially this useless shitty talk.
"well, let me break it you I don't love myself that's why I don't wanna help myself" I said turning around and leaving without looking back. I can't stand this conversation anymore. It's annoying and not my favourite topic. I went upstairs to my room. I threw myself on the feeling like the same dull aching, the kind that makes me want to rip my heart off my chest because of the of pain that I can't handle. I don't want to be here, honestly it was never my choice. This isn't my place, though I don't really know where I belong but definitely not here. Not where everything makes me feel so much pain.
I heard a knock on the door brings me back to reality.
"WHAT!" I replied harshly.
The door opens reveals my mother. She walks in with a smile.
"we have guests over dinner, I'm expecting to see you downstairs before they arrive" she said. It sounded as a demand more than a request.
"I don't want to see anyone I said" not looking at her my gaze still on the ceiling.
"I'll see you at dinner, plus I don't care what you want" then she left.
Mum is back to her bossy self which I can't handle. I sighed.
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After being demanded to attend the dinner my mum kept sending the maid to check if I'm getting ready. So it seemed that I can't run away. I wonder why mum wants me to be there so bad. Let's hope it's not what I'm thinking about.
