Upside Down

• roomie •

The left half was slathered in red paint. The bedspread was neatly folded under the headboard and her dresser was sparsely decorated, with an electronic clock and a Polaroid of a man grinning taped to the wall above the surface.

"Wow," Mom muttered. "This is fun, like a dorm!"

The right side was all white. White sheets, white walls, bare white floor. It was so stark and empty it made my chest ache.

"Let's decorate!" Mom cheered.

I dug my toes into the tile and waited until a pang of pain sprang through my foot.

By "let's decorate" I'm almost positive my mom did not mean "you sit on the floor and stare off into space while I arrange your stuff on this dresser" but that's basically what happened anyway.

And then it was 3:54, and my mom brushed her finger across the edge of my dresser again, cleaning off invisible dust, and my hands were shaking, and there were footsteps in the hall, (crazy kids insane people coming for me just like me just like me I'm not crazy! I'm normal I'm crazy) and Mom was shoving her hands in her pockets and crying and standing and reaching for the door and

"Don't leave," i whimpered.

"Honey, I love you." She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. "I'll visit you as soon as I can, okay? I love you."

"Mom, don't leave!"

"I have to leave. Bye, honey, I love you."

"I love you too, Mom, please —"

A tear streaks her cheek. "Good bye, Marley."

And then she's gone.

•••

I collapsed on the bed and sunk into the mattress. I squeezed the quilt from the closet in my fist and tried to take deep breaths.

My heart is aching insanely, and I flashback to the first day of second grade when my mom and dad dropped me off and I felt so desperately alone that I cried throughout all of my first class until a girl named Kelly shared her snack with me and told me not to cry.

I press my splotchy face into the pillow until my breath comes out in short, shallow gasps. I need another Kelly.

•••

When I wake up, there's a nurse by my bed tapping my shoulder and holding my hand. I rip my fist away and sit up so quickly my head spins.

"Hi, I'm Myah. How are you feeling, Marley?" she asks softly.

She brushes my hair from my face so gently that I can tell she thinks I'm some sort of fragile glass statue or something.

"I'm great." My voice comes out dry and raspy and sarcastic. "Just great."

She purses her lips, holding back a giggle. "You're a funny one. Well, it's five o' clock, which is dinner time around here. I can show you to the cafeteria, if you want, or you can stay here. I'll tell you a little secret: for the first few days, nobody will really make you do anything. But you'll feel better once you start getting into routine."

I rubbed my face slowly. "I'm not hungry. But... I'm really thirsty."

"Well, no food or drink in your room, but I can take you to the cafeteria or the common room. Dinner just started so there's probably no one in the common room right now."

"I want to go there, then. The common room."

She nods, smiles. Myah reminds me of Darcy. I'm suddenly struck by the realization that I never said bye to Darcy, which saddens me.

"This way. I also brought you a schedule for your age group and a rules list."

Myah hands me three sheets of paper and walks down a series of hallways leading to a large, gym-sized room. One long wall has tables covered in a individually-wrapped snacks and coolers of drinks. Various chairs are scattered throughout the corners and the yellow walls are covered in cheesy posters.

"I'll get you some water. You can read over the schedule."

As she bustles across the vacant room, I scanned the long, very full daily agenda.

7:00: wake up call

7:30: breakfast

8:30: community group

9:10: individual therapy

11:30: progress group

12:30: lunch

1:00: vitals

2:00: recreational therapy

2:30: educational therapy

4:00: visitation hour

5:00: dinner

8:00: closure group

9:00: night meds

11:00: lights out

Any time between scheduled events can be used for free time or spent in the common room.

The schedule is already making my head throb. That's a lot of therapy.

"Here you go. Drink this. I'll read you the rules."

I take the plastic solo cup and sip the cold water from it. My throat is immediately relieved.

"Here we go.

"'No touching other patients romantically. No food or drink in rooms. No bath basins or toiletries in rooms. If a friend or roommate reports feeling suicidal or upset, or plans to hurt themselves or others, tell a nurse or other adult. No sharp objects or items that could be used to hurt anyone. If you need to shave or clip your nails a nurse must be with you. No taking more meds than allowed. You cannot talk on the phone for longer than ten minutes. No visitors unless during visitation hour. No —'"

"Uh, thank you. I can read the rest later," I mumbled.

"Right. Tends to get s little repetitive and boring, huh? Sorry."

"It's okay. Here." I hand Myah the empty plastic cup and turn back towards the door.

"Marley, you can stay if you want. The other kids will be coming any time now. I'm not sure if you know, but this ward is for teens only, so you have a lot of peers to get to know."

"I'd rather go to my room," I replied coldly.

"Okay, if you want. Do I need to show you back?"

"I remember how."

"Okay. I'm your assigned nurse, so if you ever need me, I'll be in your hall somewhere."

"Thank you."

I don't mean it.

•••

When I open my door, I see someone.

A girl.

Long, tangled, blonde hair.

Big blue eyes.

Her back is turned.

She slowly turns around.

My heart is beating out of my chest.