I am outside of a house and I'm freezing, because I only have my jeans on paired with a white top with lace details and my leather jacket. At this time of the year the temperature is so low, that I can see my breath in white little clouds. A little puddle is right infront of me, in order to see my reflection I kneel down, with the help of the latern, which is five meters away from me I can see my face. Because of the cold my nose and cheeks are flushed red, my mascara seems to be a little bit smudged but not too much, so it looks okay. My blond waist-lenght hair is wavy and the front pieces fall in my face. I pull a hair tie off my wrist and make a low ponytail. I can barely hear the music, that blast out at full volume inside of the house. A look at my watch and I know that it is past two am. For me this is the perfect time to be awake. Although I am an owl and spend the most of the time I have, when other people sleep, right now I'd prefer to be somewhere else. Not here, not at this house party, not with those people. As you can tell I'm at a party, but why am I not inside? A nice chat with some peole, the music is not bad, I can get alcohol. Doesn't sound to bad, in fact it sounds like a pretty good party. Well let me tell you this in my opinion the people in there are really shitty. They barely know me and I have no idea why I even thought coming here is a good idea. I only got invited because my neighbor happens to be the best friend of the guy, who threw the party, and Kyle ( my neighbor) needed someone who can drive him back home. I'd bet that I wasn't the first person that came to his mind, but he knew that I'm good enough for driving him home. Fantastic I'm at a shitty party with shitty people that don't even know me, seriously one of the girls asked me if I just moved here, ( No Allison I lived my entire live here and we went to same kindergarden) and when I can finally leave the shitty people I still have to manage to bring Kyle home and I should atleast try that nothing bad happens to him because our parents are kind of friend, but I'm 100 percent sure that Kyle will vomit in my car. All these things I just you told don't seem really good and you probably will ask yourself why doesn't she hang out with her own friends. That's the problem I don't have any friends. I mean I know nice people, but I don't call them my best friends, because although they seem nice I can tell that they are only nice to me because they don't want to seem rude. I even understand them why should they be friends with a girl they don't really know. Of course they do talk to me once in a while, but they don't want me to be in their group or to sit with them. That's the reason why I take every chance to get in contact with other and maybe new people, even if it means that I will end up with vomit in my car. I really don't want to be a lone wolf for the rest of my life. The other bad part about having no friends is my lack of confidence. I feel really insecure really fast and if that doesn't get better I will get a panic attack and those are horible.I try to explain that for me it feels a little bit like drowning. My heart rate goes up, I can't breath properly, it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and everything is pressed together, but the person who is sitting on my chest stands up once in a while to make sure that I don't die and that I have to live with that pain and oh god I hate this pain, I hate those attacks, I hate my lack of confidence and my insecurities and I have no idea why I don't have depression or why I haven't selfharmed yet. I guess I am just lucky. ( But I also have thought of hurting myself) So now I am here a panic attack brought me outside and for sure nobody noticed my absence. I have been gone for more then 15 minutes my attack went away, but I still have to try really hard to get my breath under control. To night it is a really clear sky and I can see every star shining bright. Sometimes I feel like one of these stars only that i don't have other stars for a constellation,but i won't give up that I will find my place, where I fit in.
This was my first chapter. I hope you like it. I don't know if I will continue the story or if it will stay a oneshot.
Bye:)
