She Paints Pain

Chapter 14

The next day I woke to find Jackson had turned off my alarm clock somehow. I managed to wake up at the normal time I wake up in the morning so I wasn’t late. I got dressed, put on some make-up and went downstairs for breakfast.

          No else was in the kitchen so I made myself and Beck some breakfast since I could hear him getting up upstairs. I put his food on a plate and left it on the counter as I went over to the table.

          I sipped some orange juice and Beck walked in with his shirt in his hands. He put it on and shook his hair, getting all the water out from his shower. “Good morning, Beck.” He ignored me and poured some juice in a glass for himself. “Your breakfast is on the counter.”

          He looked up at me with angry eyes and then over to the counter where his food was. I smiled lightly as he went over to get his plate from the counter. “Jackson’s really worried about you.”

          I hate sitting across from my brother, who’s disgusted by my existence, without having a proper conversation. I understand he’s angry at me because I’m angry at myself, too. There are so many things I could have done differently to save our family, but I did everything wrong.

          “We both love you, Beck.”

          He rolled his eyes and sat back, running his fingers through his wet hair. “I don’t care, fata*s.”

          I paused from taking a gulp from my glass and stared at him in shock. Beck’s never made fun of me for my weight because he knows how sensitive I am about that. Ever since I was little I’ve been bigger than I should, but it’s not like I can go out and run a mile. My health is one reason I’m a little bit big.

          Turning my head to the side, I picked up my half-eaten plate and dumped it in the dog’s food bowl, suddenly not feeling so hungry. I dumped the orange juice down the drain and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge, not bothering to make myself a lunch.

          I left the house and started walking down the driveway since I couldn’t get in the car with Beck and not cry. I rather be late than sit there and listen to Beck repeatedly call me fat.

          Halfway down the driveway and Beck whizzed past me in his truck, making me cough from the dust the tires created. I hugged myself while keeping the tears back. I have to go see my mom.

          I know Jackson wouldn’t care if I skipped school, but I still felt guilty. Beck got in trouble when he did, but Jackson turns my alarm clock off sometimes so I purposely miss school. It’s obvious why he’s so angry all the time. Jackson isn’t as hard on me. And I can’t tell if it’s pity or guilt.

          I stopped by the flower shop by the cemetery and bought a dozen purple tulips; my mom’s favorite. I thanked the lady behind the counter and walked the twenty minutes to the cemetery my mom was buried at.

          I walked through the opening in the gate by the back entrance closest to where my mom is. Seeing her grave always made me cry with guilt, but this time I wanted to just talk and show her that I’m fine. Even if it’s a lie.

          Automatically I stopped walking when I saw her grave from the gate I was standing in front of. There was a half dozen of purple tulips from the last time I visited a few weeks ago. Jackson and Beck haven’t been to her grave in years; before they found out my secret. I try to go twice a month, but sometimes it’s only once.

          When I got to her grave, I kneeled down on the grass and picked up the dead flowers, moving them out of the way so I could put the new ones down. I pulled some weeds that were growing and sat back to admire my mom’s headstone.