it's onallie & not poetry

afraid

can you listen to me? or maybe don't listen. it's not really one of the writings where i claim life to be golden with feathers of birds tickling at my nose while i hold my bestfriend's hand. im a wreck of a mind. im a lost soul caught between the devil and the angels, the victim of their dispute with each other. i have to scream, the fumes inside of me are overwhelming and i have to let it out. what am i? im a walking paradox, and it literally drives me mad. it's how people tell me im a great lover when all i do is nothing. i, in fact, can tell you i love you three times a day with every pill i take but then will you believe me? i bet my eyes don't act the same and it ends up sounding pretty lame. this wasn't meant to rhyme, it's just how i feel. i don't know how to love. do i want to learn? i tried, and wished i could be an actual proper lover that can express their feelings whenever they're genuine and be an actual sweetheart to those people who would shut the light out of my life if they ever decide to leave. and now i don't even think i can learn, i stopped trying to. i am stupid, everyone seems to have greater minds than me and im just stuck infront of my screen with my helpless self staring at the clock, hoping it's dawn as soon as possible so sleep can conquer my wild mind. i can't fix myself anymore, i don't even think i was ever good at fixing myself. im terrible but they still believe i have this magical power of love. here comes a question: am i a good actor? can i hide my feelings? i guess i thought this way because they all believed me when i couldn't believe myself, was it really me acting? where are my true feelings? do they even exist? should i think of another aspect of me? maybe i should. they said im an optimistic dreamy one with huge determination and potential, but how can that be true when all i see is darkness? im afraid im starting to drag my darkness into my loved ones souls, im petrified. i don't want anyone suffering like i do. i wish i was insane, really wish i was. i wouldn't be blaming myself for the contradictions that sometimes make me feel horribly terrible that i can't even stand the flesh wrapped around my shaky arms and the skin covering my veins and this cruel mind of mine. i can't stand myself anymore, i can't tell whether im a hypocrite or im being real, because it's all about the thing and the complete opposite of it. does that make a proper human being? im afraid i'll remain a wreck. i have to apologize, for each and every single person i have ever seen. im terrible. i apologize. i can't change, i've tried fighting myself and fighting the demons that are constantly scratching the walls of my brain the way i scratch at my old scabs and bring the blood back to life again. i don't think i can do this on my own anymore, i am afraid im falling very deep. i can't even cry for help, no one hears those cries of mine; scattered in the hold of my hand and the words i randomly write and the pictures i take and how i look when im singing my heart own. im sorry, i wish i was a better person. you all deserve a better person, and i deserve none of you. i wish you never read this, but i had to say it out. im sorry. im genuinely sorry, but i've had enough with myself and im afraid i might actually turn out to be the devil ive been fearing all my life. do you think i'll survive?