She glanced up, and the image of herself in the mirror jolted her out of deep thought. She stared at the reflection, only to have it stare right back at her. She needed answers. She wasn't sure what kind of answers, or even what questions she had, but she needed something. Something to give her comfort. Solace. Or maybe a sense of justification. A reason that told her letting go was justified.
Ziva had walked him to the plane. She could recall every detail about that night. The announcements going off and the exact way the wrinkles on his shirt fell. The temperature and the breeze that was blowing, subtly, but enough to make her remember that the air wasn't standing still. That life wasn't standing still. And that she had to let go, to move on. She felt the erratic rhythm of her heart, and the loud thumping she was sure the rest of the world could hear. Ziva was know not to back away from a challenge and had never let a man intimidate her. Except maybe for her former boss. But right now, none of that was true. Perhaps because it was real. Perhaps because she was saying goodbye to the man she loved, the one she knew no other man could live up to. And she had accepted that her fate was to be alone. She would be okay.
"Zi, what am I supposed to tell people?"
How was she supposed to tell him?
"Tell them that I have to start over."
Tell him before he left. Before she would wish him goodbye. Before burying him up with the rest of her past.
She was starting to break down. The unbreakable Ziva was starting to fall apart. She had every right to. She wanted this, she needed this, but it didn't make leaving the man she loved behind forever any easier.
"Tony-you are so..."
She stumbled on her words and she couldn't find the right way to say them. Her breath caught in her throat and though the air had a chill in it, she knew that was not the problem
"Handsome, funny, what?"
"Loved."
And then they lost themselves in each other for the last time. In the only way she could, she had tried to convey her love for him. Maybe she hadn't achieved it, but she knew it was enough. She felt his hands, his strong beautiful hands in her hair. She savored this moment, bottling it up, and cherishing this memory, hoping it would never escape her.
She knew she had to leave and so she watched him walk away. Watched the last emblem of her past walk away. She watched him walk up the stairs to the vehicle that would take him home. Back to what had once been her home. Home it was no longer. She did not have a home.
She saw him look back and like a reflex, she smiled back at him. It stayed there until he disappeared inside the aircraft before slipping away. She felt the tears in her eyes, but she blinked them away. She was okay. She always was. She always would be.
The beeping from her alarm reminded her that the time was up. She looked in the mirror and that same reflection stated right back at her. The eyes were unwavering, they showed no emotion. She stared into those eyes for one more minute before tearing them away to look at what she was holding.
