4am. I'll still be awake, staring at the ceiling and counting how many minuets of rest I'd be allowed if I passed out at that very second. Not enough is always the answer, whether it be 2 hours or 200. Waking up is never something I look forward to much. Although there are a few things that's get me out of bed, one of them reassures me she isn't leaving.
I'm not convinced. I never will be. I can never improve enough for her, nor will I. It's just something I've come to terms with. No matter how many times she tells me I'm perfect, my mind always finds an excuse to think otherwise. It's not fair on her, really. Being stuck with me.
Writing down sorry on a piece of paper isn't enough.
I'm not happy with the way things are in life. In general. Which is selfish because I know I can be much more worse off. So I just try to make my situation worse or hurt myself to make up for how lucky I am when I don't even deserve it.
It's sad, really. My mind set I mean.
I feel like I'm spouting nonsense that is completely understandable, but I'm not sure of what I'm even writing. Or what purpose writing this has. Or what my purpose is.
I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't like this. I want to be someone that people look up to, not pity.
Every time I get a reassuring talk or a comforting hug, I just feel like I'm being looked down on.
I wonder if this all started as an act. An attention seeking act that I got too into the part of.
I feel like I'm too far in to stop going now.
I wonder how many other people come on this app to just get everything off there chest as some kind of release. Or a cry for help. It's upsetting if the answer is a lot.
Oh well. I'm going to carry on with my routine now.
