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one
It took me a long time to realize that I was spiraling into depression. It started with my emotions, I felt sad for awhile, and writing helped me with that. Writing was therapeutic for me, it made me feel something other than pain and sadness. But after a few months, writing was no longer good for me. It didn't make me feel anything, I was empty - I am empty. Occasionally I feel pain, like when I hit my toe on the edge of my bed when I'm rushing off to school.
I wanted to cry about my depression, cry out for help because I-I can't deal with this alone. But I have no one to go to... My parents, they don't understand, they'd only judge me and say that what I'm experiencing isn't real... in fact, they would say it's far from real.
My friends, none of them have been through this, as far as I know. It's not a good feeling, staying up endless hours, no one to text, tv playing in the background while I'm alone in my room. My earphones are usually plugged in, listening to my favorite playlist at 3 am.
Sometimes I liked to sit on the floor of the shower and let the water cascade through my hair and over my body. I was hurting, for a long time. I wanted all my pain to go away.
And I wasn't depressed in a suicidal way, I just felt like I had no purpose, nothing to live for anymore but I knew I didn't want to die.
I sat down in the middle of the floor in my room and I cried. I cried because I could. I cried to myself because I didn't have anyone else to cry to. I cried because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get out of this.
I'd felt this way for years and I didn't realize until about a year ago, that I was suffering from depression. I thought about going to therapy, but whenever I worked up the nerve to actually go, I could hear my mom's voice telling me therapy is silly and not worth my time. She told me that about a year and a half ago when I had a really bad panic attack when I had gone over to my parents' house for the usual sunday dinner.
I ended up at the hospital that night and the doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist or something like that. I told the doctor how I hadn't been sleeping at night, and he prescribed me sleeping pills, which did me no good.
I stopped taking them because my dad told me he didn't want me to become dependent on the pill so I stopped. And I left the pills at my parents' house.
I wiped my tears away and got ready to go out with my friends. They said we were going to club and that I had no choice but to go or else they would literally drag me out of my apartment. So I stood up and changed into a tight fitted blue dress with the back open and slipped on a pair of heels. I decided to pull my hair into a high ponytail.
I put a little bit of makeup on and plopped down on my couch, waiting for them to say they were outside.
-
I was seated at the bar now, throwing back my third shot. I figured my friends were dancing somewhere or flirting with some men that they'd probably take home later in the night.
The spot next to me was empty so when I turned and I seen someone sitting down, I was slightly shocked. People had been walking past all night and no one took the seat, they just moved past me down to another seat. I guess they could tell I was sad and didn't want my sad presence to ruin their night, which is understandable.
"Can I get 2 shots?" The guy who sat next to me said; the bartender nodded.
"You look sad you know, like you really don't want to be here." he chuckled.
I didn't know if he was talking to me so I looked over. "You talking to me?" he nodded, a smile small working it's way onto his face.
"I don't really wanna be here, my friends dragged me out," I explained as the bartender placed the shots on the counter.
"Yeah, mine too," he passed me a shot, "so uh, what's bothering you? If you don't mind me asking," he added.
I laughed quietly to myself, "You don't want to hear about it, trust me." He turned, completely facing me now, his shot still in his hand, he didn't drink it yet. Mine was still on top of the counter.
"I actually do, plus I can tell you a little bit about myself too, I'm Justin." he said, a full smile on his face.
"I'm Tia."
"Beautiful name... how about we go somewhere else, where it's quiet and we can talk."
"I um, I'm not going to have sex with you, if that's what you're insinuating right now." I frowned.
He grinned, laughing a little bit and hopping off the barstool, holding his hand out for me to take. "Let's go, I'm not trying to sleep with you, but if you want to... I'm down." he said, eyeing my body. I rolled my eyes, taking his hand and we walked out of the club.
He led me to his car and we got in, just sitting there for a minute in silence. "So?" he asked, obviously referring to what we had been talking about in the club.
I fiddled with my fingers, feeling a bit nervous about actually telling someone about my depression but I also felt like I should do it, especially since I didn't really know him. It'd be better this way.
"I'm dealing with depression. And so yeah, I looked sad in there because I was." I shrugged, surprising myself with the fact that I had actually told someone.
I looked back up at him, and he looked kind of sad. "You know, I'm dealing with depression too," and he kept talking but I kind of zoned out because either he was lying or he really was going through the same thing as me.
"I'm not lying to you, you know. I may it seem like that but I'm an honest person, even with people that I don't really know. I can relate to what you're going through so please don't shut me out. I can tell you need someone, I need someone too."
I nodded, looking him in the eye, he understood me. We were the same and he was right, what would be the point in me shutting him out? I have nothing else to lose, so I figured, I might as well be friends with someone who I could talk to.
He put his number in my phone and told me to text him/ call him whenever I needed and vice versa. We needed each other.
------------------------------------------------ I put a trigger warning because i'm not sure if the beginning of the chapter is something that has affected you or someone you know.
this is kind of sad and i'm sorry for that but hopefully you'll will still enjoy it.
i don't wanna go into depth about why i'm writing this either
love y'all and sorry for slow updates but it is what it is.
