Between Hurt and Happiness

Chapter 2

Melodie lived in Los Angeles with her parents, Richard and Marie Willinger. It was just the three of them. Mommy said they were the Three Musketeers, but Melodie didn't know what that meant, she only knew that they belonged. They used to wake her early in the morning to head off on another great adventure, usually traveling. "By ground, air, or water, nothing can stop us from our hearts desires," Mommy would always tell her. Different cities, states, and countries, all the national monuments, or any interesting artifact, her parents had to show it all to her. Her memories blurred together, and she could never remember any specific trip, they were always different, but somehow exactly the same. She wanted more- more than beautiful cities all over the world and extraordinary gifts for no reason at all. She was always homesick, she really just wanted to create memories there.
When she turned six, walls started crumbling; not literally, but she feared the vibrations caused by their yelling just might bring the ceiling down  to the floor. Mommy and Daddy never fought, she knew she shouldn't, but she tried to listen. She couldn't hear everything, but she knew it was about her, and she didn't know what she had done that was so bad. It seemed the harder she tried to listen the less she was able to hear, and no matter what, she knew that from now on, she had to be the best little girl she could possibly be.
"Marie, our daughter needs an education. That comes before our wants—it is her needs that matter." Richard stood looking at his wife, wondering if she were even listening, as she just sat there looking out the window. Marie had loved her daughter dearly since the day she was born, but the view below made her heart tighten. She saw mothers and daughters, families walking down the street. Did their hearts hold the same conflict she now had? What comes first, luxury of freedom, or the needs of your child? Sometimes when she looked at Melodie she felt an overwhelming love; at other times she felt that she would never be a good enough mother, and like the idea of a daughter was far better than actually having one.
"Marie?" Richard's voice interrupted her thoughts, so she turned away from the window and looked at him. He is so damned handsome, and she loves every single thing about him, like the way he shows true emotion in his facial expressions. Except now she saw the torment in his eyes. He loved Melodie deeply, more deeply than she ever could, but he also loved her. "What about a nanny? You loved yours growing up, and our daughter could have someone to care for her while we are away." He was almost begging now.
"Yes I loved my nanny, Richard. She was always there, but remember how I despised my mother? I couldn't have my daughter despise me." It was a small argument, raised voices here and there, but it quickly grew to a screaming match with a few bitter words that cut through Richard like a knife.
"Maybe it would be best if we simply gave her away." Richard felt like the air had been knocked out of him, he looked at Marie as if she had lost her mind.
"How could that even be an option, this is our child we are talking about, you can't just throw her away," he was aghast that she have said such a thing. And the idea that she meant it, was unfathomable. Marie gasped, placing her hand over her mouth, her cheeks were flushed. Had she just spoken those words out loud? Richard must have known something wasn't quite right, the way she would love Melodie, then recoil as if she were a vile creature.
She tried to justify what she had said. "Richard, haven't you felt it, haven't you wished she could be this perfect little girl?" He just stood there trying his hardest to understand how this flawlessly beautiful woman he loved could be so ugly. Clearly he didn't know her at all. "Melodie is wonderful, I love her immensely, just please know I didn't actually mean that, it was a fluttering thought, I know we could never abandon her." Richard listened carefully as Marie spoke, but her words weren't sincere, they sounded flat and forced, as if the words tasted bad. Since the day they brought Melodie home, Marie was standoffish, she acted as if their baby were some alien force invading their home. She was constantly trying to exclude Melodie from their lives. He knew Marie loved himthere was never any doubt of that, but Melodie needed love too, from both parents, not just from him. Maybe it was a mistake that they brought a child into their little world, a mistake on Marie's part, not his. Maybe this shouldn't continue, if he truly loved her he shouldn't trap her here, he should set her free. Let her live her life without the burden a child brings her. What if she was never meant to be a mother?
As much as he hated to, he said the only thing that came to his mind. "Marie, instead of giving Melodie away, do you wish to leave us?" Marie stood up, and stumbled backwards against the wall.
"But I love you," she stammered, her voice quivering.
"You love me, I completely understand, but do you love her, our daughter?"
Marie couldn't find the words, she wanted to lie so everything would be ok, but she couldn't take any of it back. It was her chance for a fresh start, a chance to walk away from it all, walk away from this motherly role. She would be lost without Richard, he has been her whole entire world since the day she laid eyes on him. But, she knew deep down that life without this child meant a life without him. She really didn't want to give up on her marriage and sure as hell didn't want to admit that she was a horrible mother, but what's done is done.
"How do we do this, what happens now?" Marie asked through soft sobs, her head in her hands.
"I don't know," Richard replied. Staring out the window, his face showed the defeat he felt inside. He wanted to comfort her, wrap her inside his embrace and continue loving her, but he simply couldn't. He knew this was the end for them, there was no reason to give his affection to here. No matter how much he wanted to, she didn't deserve it. The fight was over, they had come to an agreement, Marie was no longer his to have and hold.
After what felt like a week-long argument, Daddy took Melodie for a treat. They went to the carnival, rode all the rides that tickled her tummy, and he won her the biggest teddy bear she had ever seen. She just knew that everything would be alright. Except Mommy didn't join them. It was nice though, because she never got one-on-one time with either of her parents.
"Daddy, how come Mommy didn't want to be here with us, she would have had so much fun." Hearing Melodie ask about her mother made Richard feel broken, he looked into the distance for a moment, hoping the universe would provide him with an answer for his daughter.
"Adults are very complex. What I mean by that is that things aren't always right or wrong, and sometimes it can't all be fixed." Melodie just kept staring into his eyes for answers, and she was so little, he wanted to just hold her and tell her not to worry, but that would never work. She needed an answer that she could understand, and answer that could come close to helping this mess make sense for her. "Love is like a nice warm blanket, but sometimes the blanket isn't big enough to fit everyone inside. Mommy's blanket has worn out, it's only big enough for her now. Do you understand, Honey?" A look of sadness crept across Melodies face, he saw her heart breaking.
"Mommy doesn't love us anymore, did I do something wrong?" Richard hated seeing Melodie so hurt, but he had to swallow his own sobs, he had to be strong for her.
"You didn't do anything wrong, I promise." He pulled her into his arms and whispered, "I love you, baby girl. I won't ever leave you, and my blanket will always be big enough for both of us."
While Richard and Melodie were away at the fair, Marie started packing. She couldn't stand acting as if everything was fine. She loved Melodie, but not enough. Not enough to give her the life she needs; not enough to stay. With each article of clothing she put inside her suitcase, her heart broke even more. She was leaving her home, and the family she had created with the man she loved. That was another reason she had to leave; Richard was a very compassionate husband, who continually showered her with love, but now that love had run out. He avoided her every chance he got, and when he did speak to her, he was not the man she had always known. There was nothing left here, they would never be able to spark the fire, even if she did think leaving might be a mistake.
She had spent too much time reflecting on what could have been instead of packing, and now Melodie and Richard were back. She heard Melodie's little feet running through the house, off to her nightly routine of brushing her teeth, getting into her jammies, and watching cartoons until her parents tucked her into bed. She heard Richard's footsteps coming up the stairs, and she felt so guilty. She just knew Richard would be upset.
As he walked through the bedroom door he wasted no time. "This is your master plan? You were just going to disappear while we were gone?" Marie just continued folding clothes and putting them into her bag, acting as if he wasn't even there. "You know your daughter only just learned that you might be leaving, I think you should wait a couple of days, or at least till morning." He spoke firmly, hoping she would know he wasn't asking.
"It's better this way, Richard. Why drag it out? Staying will only lead to questions, and I'm afraid I don't have the patience to answer them." Richard knew deep down she was right; no matter how he felt, her staying would only cause more heartache for everyone involved, especially Melodie. "It would be great if you could let Melodie know I said goodbye." She whispered it so quietly Richard almost didn't hear. He didn't want to watch her walk away, and he didn't care to speak with her any longer, either. She was unnervingly selfish. He walked out the door, and as soon as he heard it latch he broke inside, he was losing the love of his life. He heard her sobs coming from behind the door. He hated that she hurt, but he couldn't show her that when she was about to hurt Melodie, their child. He pulled himself away from the door, away from everything that could have been, away from what was breaking his heart, and went downstairs to Melodie’s room. There was his little girl—sitting on her bed snuggled up in her blankie, and watching her favorite cartoon. Richard held her, wishing he could protect her from the pain life can bring. Marie disappeared from their lives that night, without a single goodbye, just gone like a whisper in the crowd.
Life with just the two of them had been a bit difficult in the beginning, but they had finally found their way of making it work. Melodie had started school, and even though Richard didn't need the money, he took a part time job at a lumberyard to keep him busy during the weekdays. He had never let anyone else into his life. He didnt want to go through that again with someone else, the way he had with Marie. If he could know her for 11 years without knowing her at all in the end; he couldnt imagine having time to get to know anyone else. Plus, Marie was still the love of his life—his heart simply couldn't stop loving her. He loved Melodie enough for two parents, and honestly she seemed pretty happy with life the way it was. Every so often she used to ask about her mother, but recently she seemed to have forgotten about her, except for in her dreams. That's when she remembered it all, and sometimes he would wake to her crying. He would rock her as she cried out for Mommy. Once in a blue moon a postcard from some other country would arrive. Richard wasn't even remotely interested, and he would discard it into the trash bin, just as Marie had done their family.
Time had gone so quickly, Richard couldn't believe they were celebrating Melodie’s 8th birthday already. She was growing up to be quite the lady, and was beginning to look a lot like her mother. Marie was a very beautiful woman, there was no denying it, he just hoped her looks was all Melodie had inherited from her. He was amused that Melodie had adopted his dry sense of humor, but they found that they could only make each other laugh; they didn't have the knack for telling jokes that would amuse anyone else. All of her classmates—with their siblings and parentshad shown up for her party, and she was delighted to have such a crowd, just to celebrate her. They were getting ready to bring out the cake, the perfect time to escape unnoticed. Richard had asked one of the mothers to watch over the party because he had one more gift to get before Melodie started tearing apart the beautifully decorated boxes. He drove to the lumberyard where he had hidden it, and was probably more excited than she would be. He never could surprise her, she was too smart for him, but he loved trying. He got the package safely in the backseat, and even almost considered buckling it in, but decided that was a silly notion. He had hoped Melodie didn't notice his absence; he wasn't that great at pulling anything over on her. 
Melodie had finished unwrapping her gifts and was looking around the room. Dad thought he was being sneaky, but she was onto him. Any minute, he was gonna burst into the room with a grand gift. She felt like laughing, because he could never outsmart her. She felt giddy, and mostly it was a joke between them; him trying to get her something she would love, and her laughing at his complete lack of gifting skills. He was a lost cause when it came to buying for a girl, but she admired his effort. She sat with a mountain of wrapping paper behind her, and a crowd of kids waiting to join her in playing with the new toys. As she glanced across the room she didn't find her dad. She did find another pair of eyes darting around. Mrs. Brading, Alex's mother, was surely the one Dad left in charge while he worked on his grand scheme. About that time the doorbell rang and Mrs. Brading excused herself from the room to answer it. Melodie sat there playing, trying to ignore the fact that Dad thought he was about to surprise her. Mrs. Brading walked back in and motioned for Melodie.
It wasn't Daddy waiting, it was a police officer. Once Melodie was out of earshot of the party guests, Mrs. Brading left her with the officer and returned to the living room. "Hi Melodie, I'm Officer Michaels, would you like to take a ride in my police car?" he asked, nodding towards the window. She peeked out and saw the black and white car, with pretty lights flashing. Dad was finally able to surprise her—she had never ridden in a police car before. As they pulled out of the drive, Officer Michaels said he would pull out all the stops for her. She felt like royalty being escorted to some important meeting, or being taken away from some horrible disaster. She wished Dad would have rode with her, but maybe he thought she was old enough to go by herself. Officer Michaels parked in front of the Sheriffs Department, and Melodie’s tummy was getting queasy, like something didn't feel right. She was taken into the building and led into a room that held an older woman sitting on a couch.
"Melodie, this is Dr. Givens. I'm going to leave you two to talk, ok?" Melodie nodded at the officer, and stepped slowly to the couch. Dr. Givens stood up and shook her hand, then motioned for Melodie to sit.
"Melodie, my name is Katherine, and I am a social worker for the state of California. I am afraid I have somethings to talk to you about, and it is going to be very difficult." She watched Melodie to make sure she had understood thus far, and as soon as Melodie nodded she proceeded. "I'm sorry to tell you, but there has been an accident. Your Dad was on his way home when a truck ran into his car, and he was killed upon impact." That is the exact moment Melodie stopped listening; the words were swirling around her, but they weren't right, and the lady was saying things that didn't make sense. Tears rolled off her eyelashes and streamed down her little round cheeks, dripping from her chin, with not a single one wiped away. She needed her Daddy's comfort, his hugs, but instead, all she got was this horrible heartache all to herself. If she would have known this is how it ended, she would have tried harder, listened more closely, and been the best little girl Daddy could have asked for. He told her that his blanket would always be big enough. He said he would never leave her, but she needed him more than ever. The saddest and hardest day of her life, she had to face alone, without his strength. It wasn't fair at all today of all days should have been happy. He should have come back to her party, and she couldn't bring herself to understand.
"Why Daddy? What did he do, why couldn't I have him forever?" Dr. Givens had to keep her composure, for she had read the file on Melodie and knew her mother walked out years ago. She knew there was no other family, that both her parents were the only child in their families, and that the grandparents had all passed long before she was born. She dealt with sad cases every day, but it is this little girl's birthday, and she was trying so hard to be strong, even though she just lost her whole world.
"Melodie, I'm sorry I don’t have those answers, and the ones I do have will not ease your hurt." She hated speaking those words, but she knew there was nothing she could do to comfort her. All she could do was help her with the next steps, making her transition into the foster care system go as smoothly as possible. She watched Melodie and she was shocked to see a smile spread across her face, she was actually beaming.
"What was it?" Melodie asked with a chuckle while tears still escaped her eyes, gently sliding down her small porcelain-like face.
"What was what honey?" Melodie looked as if the words burned her.
"What did Daddy get me for my birthday?" Katherine was intrigued with the way children's minds worked, but she knew that Melodie was prolonging the inevitable. She thought hard about the report she read, and remembered something made with wood. She had an idea of what it might have been.
"Oh, that's right, a doll house, it looked hand-made, you must be a very special little girl." Melodie’s eyes widened and her heart sank, "He finally did it, he finally got it right." As soon as the words left her lips she started crying, loud sobs, and incoherent words that managed to come out between gasps.
Richard felt as if his heart would burst, as if it couldn't contain the overwhelming excitement he felt. He couldn't wait to get home with the doll house he had built for Melodie, really it was more of a castle. He had been working with scraps of wood from the lumberyard for the past 6 months or more. She had mentioned wanting a doll house a couple times, and she usually didn't give him any hints. She was very difficult that way, maybe she felt bad. He knew he had been gone too long, but he wanted to surprise her, to not have her sitting there watching for him. He could see the smile on her face already, and he couldn't wait to see her beautiful eyes light up. The traffic light ahead of him had just turned yellow, he picked up speed to ensure he didn't get the red light, as he went around the curve he heard a creak from the backseat. He knew the doll house would fall over so he reached back to hold it still. Should have buckled it in, he thought, laughing to himself. He didn't see the light turn red. A pick-up truck blared its horn. Too close it was too close! He let go of the doll house and tried to brace himself for the collision. He looked up in time to know that he wouldn't make it home. "Melodie, I'm sorry, I—" was all he could say before the truck slammed the side of his car, hard. The sounds all clashed together—glass shattering, tires screeching against the pavement, the groaning and twisting of metal. The force had slammed his head hard to the side, and an unimaginable pain seared through his skull, splitting skin and crushing bone. He thought it impossible to feel this much pain. A second of dark nothing surrounded him, then there was Marie with her swollen belly, Melodie’s first cry, and the first time she squished his cheeks planting a slobbery kiss on him. All of these images flooded his memory. There was Melodie riding her bike for the first time, beaming with pride. Before he knew it she was laughing so hard she could barely even breathe, he loved her laugh so much. There were so many memories spinning so fast he couldn't focus on any certain one, but he knew they were all Melodie. They started slowing again, it was last night, as he was tucking her into bed she threw her arms around his neck, the words ‘I love you, Daddy’ reverberated inside his mind. Then everything went black. Richard Willinger had no chance, his body was mangled in the driver’s seat. The man from the truck limped over and saw him through the broken glass, his face losing all color—what had he done?
Officer Jim Michaels was making his way back to the station with 30 minutes left on his shift, and he really wanted to get his paperwork done on time today. He promised his wife and their young son a trip to the zoo, and while she understood when he was late, it would be nice if he could be on time once in a while. He reached down to turn his radio off when the dispatcher’s voice boomed inside his squad car, "902-T in the vicinity of East 26th and South Sante Fe, paramedics enroute."
"208, I'm 4 blocks away," Jim replied as he flipped the switches to activate his lights and sirens. He shook his head, his stomach turning as he remembered how close hed come to turning off his radio, how stupid that would have been. He didn't have time to stew in his guilt, though; he needed to concentrate on the job at hand. A 902-T was a traffic accident with no information, meaning it could be as simple as a fender bender, or a few minor injuries, though the fact that paramedics are headed there meant they had reason to believe people may need to be treated, so it could be anything. He was approaching the scene, and as he arrived he flipped the switch to turn off his siren, and saw there were people standing around. The air had an eerie sense to it, and from all his years of investigating accidents, he knew the outcome was bad.
As he parked his cruiser, he noted that two vehicles had been involved. As he grabbed his hat and opened the door, a man started limping towards him, he must have been the driver of the truck. Looking at the damage, it was clear that the driver of the car wouldn't be walking around. "Sir, please stop, we need to wait for paramedics to assess your injuries," Jim called out, The man waited where he stood, and Jim was at his side in no time. "Sir, my name is Officer Michaels, I'm going to need you to take a seat. Did you hit your head?" he asked, noticing blood trickling down the mans forehead. He sat in the drivers seat of his truck, and reached his blood stained hand up to his temple and winced.
"Yea, I suppose I did." he replied with a shaky voice.
"Alright, are you dizzy, lightheaded, or hurt anywhere else that you can tell?" Jim asked, as he visually checked for any injuries that would need quickly tended to.
"I, I don't know, my leg hurts, that man he's…" his voice trailed off, as his bloodied finger pointed at the windshield towards the other car.
"Alright, I’ll go check on him, please stay here, I'll be right back to get a statement." He slowly walked over to the passenger side of the other vehicle and pulled the door open. The stench of death lingered in the air. He reached inside and checked for a pulse, not that it was necessary, but he had to be thorough. He went and ran the license for a name and home address, he would have to notify family members, but first he needed to speak with the other driver. "Sir, are you ready to give a statement?" he asked. The man nodded slowly as he stared out his window. Jim knew he had looked inside the car. "What is your name?" he asked.
"Todd Shane, I am 45, reside here in Los Angeles, the light was green, maybe I should have yielded, but it was green. I'm pretty sure I was going the speed limit, he just came out of nowhere, he had the red light, and I couldn't stop. I could barely even start to slow down before I hit him. He ran the red light, he didn't stop," Todd mumbled as he moved his head from side to side, as if he couldn't believe what had happened. He was still in shock, he was guilt ridden, and even if the other driver had run the stoplight, Todd was the one who hit him. His not being able to stop caused another man to lose his life, and this guilt would stay with him. The paramedics pulled up, and were already bringing stretchers and med bags their way. He let Todd know they would be looking over his injuries shortly. Jim stepped aside with a young man as the others went on to the scene, he seemed fresh to this line of work, poor kid.
"Richard Willinger, age 34, there in the silver car, ran a red light according to our Mr. Shane, driver of the truck. Shane had no time to stop, he by the way has normal cuts and bruises, but youll need to look at his head injury, and something is going on with his leg." Jim hated the way it sounded, so hum drum, just another day.
"What about Mr. Willinger?" the paramedic asked, as he nodded towards the smashed car. "He was dead upon arrival, pretty bad shape, that's all Ive got, now I need to tend to Mr. Willinger’s family." Jim got in his cruiser, changing his mindset and letting the adrenaline settle as he headed to the Willinger’s residence.
Jim pulled into the driveway, parking behind another car. It hadnt taken him long to get there from the accident scene. If Richard had been paying attention he would have been walking through his front door within 10 minutes of going through that intersection. Jim had done this enough times to know his condolences weren't going to be enough. They never wanted the information he had, or were really able to hear it. All they wanted was their loved one. He took a couple deep breaths, then rang the doorbell. As he waited for someone to come to the door, knowing he was about to ruin someone's life, and guessing by the number of cars around, he was about to ruin a few. A brunette woman answered the door, and children's laughter carried through the doorway. Looked like he had just crashed a birthday party. He held his composure, and began the conversation he didn't want to have.
"Ma'am, I'm Officer Michaels, is Mrs. Willinger home?" She looked as if she were lost, almost embarrassed, fidgeting with the buttons on her blouse.
"Well, as far as I know there is no Mrs. Willinger." she said, almost unsure of the words as soon as she had spoken them.
"Ma'am, are you any relation to a Richard Willinger?" he asked.
"No, my name is Laura Brading, I am watching over the party for Richard," she carefully stated. He should be right back.
"Mrs. Brading, are there any relatives present?" She automatically looked into the room, and when her eyes met his she nodded her head, almost in a trance.
"Melodie, his daughter is here," she stopped, as if the words had caught in her throat. He asked her if she would be willing to give a statement, as he gently put his hand on the back of her arm to guide her into the entryway. She explained how Richard had asked her to watch over the party, he had a gift he needed to pick up that he had kept at his work. Jim took note of the time he left and where he was employed, then he asked Mrs. Brading to go and quietly pull Melodie from the party. As she came walking back with a little girl that had just turned 8 today Jim had to blink back tears that were starting to wet his eyes. He couldn't imagine what she would have to endure today, and his heart broke for her. Melodie was now standing in front of him, and his job just got easier and harder at the same time. He would not be informing her of her father's death, the state dealt with minors, but now he would have to act as if today was any other day. He introduced himself, and asked her if she would like a ride in his car, she nodded her head and smiled, confirming that she wasn't the slightest bit worried. He turned on the sirens because kids always loved that kind of stuff. The whole way to the station he kept glancing into the rearview mirror, and Melodie looked as if she were seeing the world for the first time. She looked so happy.
As soon as he parked his cruiser at the station, her demeanor changed instantly, and she went from giddy to somber. He took her to meet the Child Services Representative, and when he left her he wished her life would turn out happy, but he knew today would be all he ever knew of a little girl named Melodie Willinger.
                                                                                                         
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