New Chapter......daily blog of someone random

A Bitch

Have you ever felt like you are bothering someone, so you just tiptoe out of their lives and realise that they are happy even if you are not in the picture.

It doesn't matter what someone think about me.

That's the most common lie one say about themselves because deep, deep down, everyone care.

No one will look back at the girl who has tires around her stomach or have fat thighs and arms or because she has some spots on her face and she never bothers to paint them unlike others.

It doesn't matter what she wants to eat because she really want to and is not forced to belive that she should eat this.

Everyone wants perfection.

My mom and dad wants a perfect daughter who's results are all A's and she is perfect. A girl who is pretty, nerd and steer clear of boys. Not that it's a bad thing but sometimes that's not what the daughter would wish for. She would like to learn from mistakes, she would love to try to fall in love even though she knows she is ugly compared to other girls.

I was never my mom and dad's perfect daughter. I screwed a lot of times.

My father used to be proud of me earlier, but because of a few reckless decisions I made, I lost him.

I lost him sometimes along the way when I was trying to move on from a guy who never really loved me.

I lost my brother's love for me when I shielded myself with violence and loud behaviour. 

I lost my mother's trust when I was trying to make my dreams successful but failed.

I failed.

My first failure was in 10th grade when I made that rash decision.

When I said Yes to a guy only because he liked me. He was my friend and I was not sure if i really loved him, but I thought I liked him back then. It took me three years to completely get over the fact that I never really loved him.

My second failure was when I didn't get a seat in medical college.

I always dreamt to be a doctor. I always saw my parents curing patients and in that moment I thought, I want to be like them. They were my idols all along.

My third failure was when I took a drop and failed again.

My fourth failure was when I thought I had great friends but then I found myself detaching myself from everyone because I thought I am of no use to them and the sad part was, they never called back.

A few remained though and I am thankful for them.

At this point of my life, I lost my best friend because of her shitty ex boyfriend, I lost my mother, father's and my brother's love.

It's like I am living in a place with strangers because I avoid talking or any physical contact with anyone.

Yeah, I am a bitch.