She.Rape.Me. (KINDLE EDITION)

When the moon is awake

As a child, growing up in Harlem, the times seemed entirely reasonable. You wake up, brush your teeth, wash up and get dressed. Moms at the kitchen table passed out, and some random person called "Uncle"(I had a lot of those-Uncles) were either laid out on the kitchen floor, as if it was a bed or gone out the door, which are the mornings I dread the most. I would scoot past them both making myself a bologna sandwich and sipping down some Kool-Aid that tasted like it had redder than sugar. I would kiss mommy on the forehead grab my book bag and go.

Walking down the street could be scary for most, but I'm not scared, the rustling of the trees, the pigeons throat songs, the hairy guy always yelling from the window" THE WORLDS GONNA END" because the city is getting bad, the bum laid on the sidewalk with a stench that can kill, and the broom brushing off the sidewalk in front of his corner store by old-man Sax, had enough noise to scare away any demon walking the streets trying to snatch kids for sale.

"Good Morning Suga, the sun is awake and smiling just for you" he always says, I'd laugh, and he would say," I got ya something for lunch, pay me back when ya get it"...I would give him a thumbs up and a hug as my way of saying thanks. He does it every day knowing I can't pay him and he knows mama enough to figure out where her money goes, if it wasn't for the charities I don't think I'd have food or clothing at all let alone school lunch, but again, this was my normal and the best part of my life was about to happen. It happens every day as I meet up with Roxy, Tyson, and Vasha (we call her V.V.) They are my friends, and we all must be in the same boat, but I think Tyson gets the worst of it. He is so accident prone and always has a black and blue mark or a swollen eye issue.

When the school doors swing open, I get to be the real me ...I get to learn...be happy....lose myself in books...and get praises from my teachers for getting my homework done and right! Yes, this is the sound part of the story....the part when I am glad to be alive...because sometimes I envy Tyson, the counselors see him, the teachers notice his scars and the kids are nice to him for it...but what happens to me, when the moon is awake, nobody can see, but me.

After school, my friends and I go to the after school program offered by the Catholic church across the street. Although I am not Catholic (in fact I do not know what I am), I enjoy the smiling faces of the Nuns and the Priest. Something about it makes me feel hopeful for a better tomorrow. I get to do all of my homework, have a hot meal and a snack, we all get to color and even sing songs about Mary and Jesus. They gave us cross necklaces to wear, they say, it's a form of Gods protection, (I don't think mine is working yet) so although I see nothing change, I trust their words and their God will come through for all of us. I can feel the warmth of love and peace within the church, within the people and even my friends look happy, if but for those small moments in time, we are all happy, and then it happens, nighttime is here.

The church people never want us to walk home, although it's really not that far, they get us all in the van, and one by one, I watch my friends get dropped off at their homes. We clutch the cross necklaces and face our doom with courage, although our eyes tell the scary story of weakness, of innocence and of us being afraid, we say with an upbeat sigh "See ya tomorrow."

When I get to my house and climb the stairs, mama is up" Hey baby, I love you" she says as she runs up to me, putting down the liquor bottle and kissing me on the forehead. "I love you too mama," I say, trying to break free fast and get to my room, as she plays her Billie Holiday music with a cigarette holding on between her fingertips and an all too familiar "Uncle" watching us embrace. As I get loose and focus my eyes on my bedroom door mama stops me " Don't be rude chile'...say Hi to your Uncle Henry", I say, with a fake smile, as he looks me up and down and makes me feel like I have no clothes on " Hi Uncle Henry" His eyes linger on me, yellow with the permanent brown underneath, he opens his pink and brown lips and says " Hello Lil one...you are growing up to look just like your mama"...smoke goes into his mouth and comes out from the puff of his cigar and mother blushes. "She's my twin, and she's smart...she's gonna be my meal ticket outta here...Yes, sir," she says blowing me a smoky kiss as she dances around Uncle Henry and sits on his lap like a school girl. I quickly leave the room, but I already know my fate is sealed. There is no point in putting on pajamas, so I just leave my panties on and get in my bed and sleep for as long as I can. When mama gets too drunk to move, and Uncle Henry can't have his way with her, he will come into my room and say " Shhhh ill one, it's just me, you remember me, don't be afraid, your mamas sleeping and she forgot to give me what I need" my heart pounds but is quiet to protect my inner pain...he will be too scared to mess with my lady parts, I guess because the last time I bled a little bit and said I hurt to mama, she did nothing as he lied and said he would never do something like that to me,( I say nothing meaning to him- I got a beating and a reminder not to speak lies) so he makes me put my mouth on him, on his man parts, and he sweats beads of vodka down onto my hair pushing me forward and rubbing me saying " You're a good girl" over and over again, until he pulls himself from me, takes a tissue from his pocket and wipes up whatever flowed out of his body. He closes my door, and I cry into my pillow, my mouth smells of urine and Uncle Henry's' musk. I hear the front door slam, and I immediately run to lock it. I make myself a bath, brush my teeth and soak. I don't know what time it is, and I do not care, I feel dirty, soiled, useless and confused. As the almost boiling water and bubbles from the dish soap make my bath somewhat soothing, I dip my whole body under and look up wondering if I should even come up for air. My gaze to the cracked ceiling reminds me of my life, as I wonder where God is, and why this all happens to me. I clutch the cross necklace and come up for air, although I am sure his smell is gone, I remember it so vividly, nothing seems to take it away, at least for tonight. I dry myself, put on my pajamas, get the house cleaned, and finally get to my room, when I hear mama come rushing from the kitchen to the bathroom. I peek in, just to make sure she is alright, she's hugging the toilet, sweating like she's overheated, puking and asking for God to help her. As I crawl into bed and close my eyes, all I can do is figure, which the God the Priest and Nuns speak of, is sleeping when the moon is awake, but how I wish he could stay up late on nights like this.