Second Chances

Prologue

Prologue

        “You promise?” I asked, feebly. I buried my head as far as it could go in Toby’s chest. I wanted to remember the smell of starch and apples because that is what he always smelled like. I wanted to remember what it was like to have those warm, strong arms wrapped around me in love. Even the smallest of details like the shoes he was wearing, I wanted it to stay etched into my brain for eternity. At that exact moment, there was a strong possibility that I would never see him again.

        “You will hear from me every day. You will get so tired of me that you will be glad I am gone,” he whispered in my ear. “I promise.”

        I stared up at the stars hoping they would hide the tears building in my eyes. I did not want him to see me cry because he would then feel guiltier than he already was. I had to be stronger than I was for the both of us. I could not be that person that stood in his way. This was his dream and no matter how much we loved each other, he needed to chase his dreams. It would be selfish of me to tell him not to go.

        I stayed in his arms on the cool grass for what seemed to be hours. He stayed quiet for most of the night and did not say a word until it was time for him to go. I let him be quiet. There was nothing left to say. We had said it all. We had done it all. This was the time for us to reflect on what we had and what we will continue to have. Besides, how can anyone express his or her immortal love to one another in words? In that moment, we did not need words. All we needed was each other.

        I reflected on that memory for days even after he had left. I thought about how the night sky shun more brightly than it had any other night we had been together. The grass was greener even in the dark. We were more in love in that moment than ever before. The trees rustled in tone with the mockingbirds. Nature was singing us a final love song. The song was fixated in my brain even as I grew to be an old woman.

        After a couple of days, I had to force myself to get up in the mornings. I missed that boy like crazy and from his daily letters, I could tell he missed me too. His parents were ignoring the fact that their only son was out on the battlefield. My parents were saying how this was God’s way of saying that I should move on and meet new people, preferably, rich men.

        It never felt right to go on those blind dates my mom set up. Those men ended up being these biggity rich, socialites who would make rude comments about the waiter, the restaurant, or anyone within distance of our table. They would start the night off discussing their businesses and their wealthy families. After they squeezed every detail about themselves out, they would ask me a question about myself. I would begin by talking about my family and how much I adored them and then they would intervene with comments about how rich their families were. Once they begun talking about their families, they would launch into this whole other story about how fantastic the beach house was around this time. One man told me he went on this date because his Aspens trip was cancelled at the last minute.

        After the last date, I told myself that I would not get involved with anyone unless it was Toby. I only wanted him. He kept residence in my empty, shell of a heart. Going on those dates filled that shell for a second and then it was hollow again. I had to accept the fact that he could die in battle and leave me here. There was also a chance he could come back and I would not have to deal with my hollowness alone. From the letters he sent, he was not in any real danger. It gave me a burst of hope that maybe he will fight for his life to be with me.

        My feelings fought each other for a couple of months. Some days would be cheerful and the others would be raging storms. Sometimes I woke up happy and other times I wanted to cry until my eyes were red. It was a week later when Toby stopped sending letters. It was a bit scary, but I continued my occasionally positive thinking. It was not until two days later when I received a letter from a military officer that I gave up hope. Toby died from a gunshot wound in the head.