Dying Inside.

Alright, let me start this off saying that no matter how pissed at somebody you are, you should never and I mean NEVER EVER IGNORE THEM. If you have no clue why them it might be safe to say that you don't think clearly. If you say, oh I don't know perhaps,  your best friend because you two had gotten in a fight and when they beg for forgiveness, you ignore them. Haven't you ever wondered what they were thinking about you ignoring them? Well, enjoy a little window to my mind as to what it might feel like for the other person.

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'what the actual fuck is wrong with you?!?!?! I don't even know who the hell you are anymore!!!' Your best friend of who knows how long typed and sent to you via text. God, it's been who knows how fucking long since we've gone a week without getting in an argument. It really sucked since you were just trying your best not to feel "those" emotions or think "those" thoughts again. It was just so hard not to, especially since they weren't making anything better; they only made your life worse. It felt awful. I felt awful.

My body felt awful, it burned from putting up with all the shit that always seemed to be thrown in my direction. Why me? Why does it always have to be fucking me? Don't I suffer enough? Obviously not if all these things keep happening.

First, I am fat. I'm not as skinny as all the really pretty girls and that's why nobody loves me.

Second, I'm uglier than shit. Fuck, I think I just insulted feces.

Third, everybody hates me and if they didn't then they would understand and be able to see my inner pain that I bottle within me.

Fourth, my best friend won't pull their head out of their god damn ass and stop being such a fucking bitch. What the hell did I ever fucking do to you that made you hate me so god damn much? Why can't you just yell at somebody that can actually stand it?

Fifth, my parents won't stop yelling at me. All they ever do is get stressed and take it out on me. They hardly ever stop no matter how much I yell for them to stop or cry; they just ignore me. I don't blame them, I try to ignore myself too.

Sixth, I hate myself. I cannot bare the person that looks back at me in the mirror. All they ever do is cry and wine. It's never ending. They'll never be happy, not that anybody cares anyway.

Seventh, living is pointless. In all honesty living has no real purpose. I mean we are born just to grow old and die. And our so called "marks" are nothing. I doubt in fifty years somebody will look back and remember all the times I smiled our made them laugh. They won't remember me. It doesn't even matter if they remember me honestly, I mean how can remember every single person that dies? We can't, it's impossible. The Earth is over crowding and what the hell is one lifeless person to 7 billion better off people?

Those are the thoughts I try not to think about but, I can't help it. Just like how I can't help it when I feel desperate, alone, or remorse for everything. For harming my body, lowering my self esteem even further, for hurting people, for feeling this way, for living, and breathing. The list goes on forever. I hate myself; everybody hates me, otherwise they would stop putting me in such emotional pain. Why are they so blind?

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters, anymore.

Or at least it won't matter anymore when I finally have had enough and just end it. Maybe then they'll see.

Until then, it looks like hell from my eyes.

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