Awakening

One - Failure

'Failure'
I write on my cold skinny wrist everyday before school. I wear a long sleeve jumper to cover it up. Just so I don't drag attention upon myself,  because then I'll be known as an 'attention seeker' and who wants that? It's just a little thing for me to remember how much of a failure I am to my family, my friends... well friend.

I wore my favorite cargo sweater today, a mix of black, dark green and a lighter green. It's in random spots, just like my life. Skittish and all over the place. I'm meeting up with Jeremy at the park, just to try and lighten up my mood. He knows how down I've been lately.

"Lydia" Jeremy calls as i put my pen down on the page of my diary.
"Oh so I see this diary thing is working" he suspects.
"Pfft, totally" I say in sarcasm. "My counselor wants me to start writing one too, capture my thoughts."

He sits on the swing next to me, red hot from roasting in the sun. But he doesn't feel it because his clothing covers it to protect his pale skin. I put my black and white spotted diary down on the bark against the post of the swing. Without knowing, I completely block out every single sound around me. It all just fades into nothing. I can see Jeremy talking but I don't know what about, as I stare down at my hands. Fidgeting as usual, I clench my fists in and out looking at the way my knuckle moves. The voice inside my head, becomes louder and i can hear the blood pumping though my veins. I'm so skinny that I can see my veins popping up like worms along the ground. As the voices become louder, the faster my blood pumps.

"Lydia" I hear, As i snap out of my trance.
"yes" I answer.
"Did you hear anything I said?" Jeremy asked,
"no" I say in guilt...
"don't worry it's not important, only the fact that school is tomorrow" Jeremy points out in a serious tone. "What about Sophie... you know? What do I do?" I ask quietly hoping he doesn't hear me.
"Ohhhh Sophie... just try not to worry about it okay??" He replies.
"Alright" I say rolling my eyes as if I can not worry about it.

Turns out he didn't really cheer me up, I only reminded myself of Sophie, and that's what I was trying to avoid. We both stood up from our swings, gave each other a nice long hug that he knows I love and left separately. Except I stayed on the swing because going home was not on my agenda, at least not yet. I continue to write on the first page of my diary.

You don't know what happened with Sophie, and neither do most people... I never feel like talking about it but I guess this is a special occasion. It's my diary, I can't exactly hide anything from it.