The Last Thing I Have Is Your Middle Name

The Last Message

How are you supposed to give up on
I can't.
This is like killing yourself when you still want to live and I don't even know why.
And damn, loving you is hard
but I can't stop
You don't even want me to and I can't, and trust me I understand how utterly repulsive I am. Don't tell me any different because it doesn't matter either way, I can feel the malice in you when you look at me. We were friends. And I messed up. and after that I could've just died and it wouldn't have really made a difference, or maybe it would've been better, I don't know. But we were friends, and I messed up, and it's ass backwards logic but I only fell harder.
You stayed for my well being and I respect that, you would've left had I not told you I couldn't take losing you, which was true, but I already had I just didn't want to believe it.

I never meant any of this. I've said this we've been over it I've apologized but I understand, I understand why you can't forgive me, you told me you were scared but you never said why and that's given me time to think about it, I've only guessed but I can tell I'm right. So I'm gonna apologize. And forget about my self esteem issues because honestly it's not ever going to get better, and who cares anyways? I'm just going to apologize. I'm sorry I was your liability, I'm sorry I was your responsibility, I'm sorry I was a nuisance, I'm sorry that I was too stubborn to realize that the best course of action would've been to just leave. But now I know so now I'm trying to but it's hard because I look at you how you looked at Madalyn, you're one of the strongest, most wonderful people I've ever met, you're poetic and real and stable, you're so independent and you're constantly running away from people but that only draws them nearer and it's really amazing to me, I had something and I fucking destroyed it because of my own fear. So I'm really going to try. I'm going to try and leave you alone now. It's seriously killing me to think about it but that's okay because it's better for you. And I think I'd rather die a million times just so you're okay. Just so you've no inconvenience like me. Haha. Yeah. Thanks for everything, you're a really amazing person. I just wish I'd treated you as you deserved. But what's been done is done. I already hurt you so it's time to break even.