"What the hell did you do?!" I hear her yell. She's gonna tell him, and he's gonna tell everyone. I don't want anyone to know. People will think that I'm just looking for attention. I'm just sick or the hurting. The places on my upper thighs helped me think about something other than him, a different kind of pain. It helped. For a while. What she saw were just bad scars. Deep cuts. I haven't done it for a while, I swear.
I hear fast footsteps, running. I quickly put my clothes on and rush out of the locker room, only to find him, great. Just great. He looks at me in disgust. I start crying, knowing she told him what she saw. God damn it.
"Wha..." he starts, but he just grabs my arms and shakes me. I hear myself muttering please many times before she comes from behind and grabs my waist to pull me back. When she pulls me back I feel like falling.
I wake up in my dark, lonely room. I'm in a pool of tears on my pillow. That dream... it keeps coming. Them finding out how sad I really am. I can't let them know. Maybe if I just slip, they won't notice. I can slip away, for a while. No one will notice. Nor care. It'll be okay...
I walk into my bathroom and find the bottle of pills underneath the sink: my backup plan. When mom found out about my thoughts she hid everything that could harm me. Little did she know I had my secret stash. The bright blue Xanax pills fill my hand. I put it up to my mouth and full it like they were skittles. I swallow them down with water, and swallow the rest of the pills with another gulp. I immediately start crying. What have I done? What will they think? I've really fucked myself this time, haven't I?
I call her immediately. She picks up on the second ring. "It is 2:00 in the middle of the night. What do you need?" She says groggily.
In between sobs, "I've, I've done something really bad, Babe. Tell him I'm sorry. Tell everyone sorry. Tell everyone bye too..." I tell her, "I love you."
I hang up the phone and lay down. She calls at least a million times afterwards, but I ignore the calls. I find myself drifting farther and farther away from the ringing. Then eventually there's nothing.
•••
