I LOVE YOU BABY

WTF

October 2,2016

I'm just going to sleep, that's it. I got up and went to help my mom help set up a weeding the day. I was finishing put on the 115th chair cover, for the ballroom. I couldn't hold it in anymore I went into the hotel bathroom and cried, I cried I couldn't breath. My mom came in looking for me. I broke down and fell to my knees. I could barely eat, for a whole week. I thought it was my fault ain't that a trip. I thought it was my fault that we weren't together. I was the reason we broke up. I had to talk my self into getting my appetite back, hell I talked myself into not being the victim.  That day he text me, telling me it was my fault, I hurt him. I was suppose to be back at his house begging him back. Cooking him a 5 course meal and suck and fuck like a champ, because get this bullshit. This nigga gonna say he deserved it. He deserves it. My crazy ass contemplated it. I should drive 55 minutes that I got down to 40 min on the high way, I always took the toll road because I had to see my man. I broke every aspect down this day. I was this woman that lost herself. I was this vibrant woman working and going to school. getting my nails done every two weeks, hair stay laid, the girls were out for the most part out to play, jeans tight so the ass poked out and was Phatta than eva. The way I beat my face with the pretty new high lighter, the beautiful Pink lip gloss called out of this world. Turned into t-shirts, yoga pants, my face getting wider, my hips getting wider, my face bare. Now now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with going without make up, but I got so comfortable, I had the mentality that "Oh I got a man, he love me for me". He said I was beautiful, without the make up with out the weave, without it all. Then I thought about it, I'm  bad as fuck with or without the bundles or the Sephora. But this man was so jealous nobody could see who I really was. I think of how he would rush me to get dressed, how I had enough that I was tired of him dissing me and telling me I take to long get dressed, why do I even wear make up. Men understand that we don't wear make up for you, we could careless, we wear it because it makes us happy, and we love, and it makes us feel better, screw you. I would ask him "Babe how do I look?" 

"Why you wearing all that make up?" I just wanted to hear I like your dress babygirl, your hair is pretty curled. Naw I got none of that. Then I'm wrong for being a little upset over it.  My shirt was either too short, jeans too tight, dress cut to low because it was disrespectful if I wore that. No man should see me. I only wanted him, I didn't want nobody else, I wanted to look sexy for him, but I was disprespectful. I loved him, never would lie or cheat, I only had eyes for him still not enough. But enough of that Just wanted to tell you how I started falling apart.

19 years old when I met him, once it was all over I was a 35 year old woman who was his house oh wait I forgot he lived with his mama and daddy, the only child and still a little boy. I had a key, I would let myself in, I started his laundry, folded his clothes made his bed and would cook dinner for him and his family. His parents fell in love with me, I was the perfect woman, I was the first chocolate girl his Puerto Rican self had been with.  I went to every car function he had, birthday parties, got his truck that he loved more then life, shit he loved his truck more than me. I rolled his blunts, I did it all baby. I fucked the first night and everything. I was the best woman he had ever been with. His momma still call me and checks on me to see how I'm doing. All that I went through being with him. What I'm about to tell you had to be he hardest that I didn't  even tell him nor will he ever know because It would be my fault. He would blame me of this unfortunate event, that would've kept me in a miserable relationship.