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Broken Down

Fair warning: This is a Christian based story. So if you're one of those folks who doesn't believe in God, or something along those lines, than you may or may not be interested in this story. 

I figured I would let you know before you read it, that way you don't get mad at me later.

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I don't know how I got here. I don't know what finally pushed me over the edge. But I was here now. This beautiful place... The sun just beginning to vanish behind the mountains, painting the clouds in the sky with heart-breakingly lovely hues of orange, pink, and gold. A stark contrast to the cold, nearly-white pale blue of the sky.

At the mountains' foot was the creek, so peaceful and cool. I knew that those waters were deceptive waters. They only appeared calm on the surface, for underneath there lurked a current so powerful and quick that it could knock you down and sweep you away at only knee-deep.

Still, the sound was peaceful. Calming. I could hear a few birds, and behind me I heard a few tree branches stirring as various small woodland creatures interacted with them. 

Yet all this... All this beauty... All this power... All of it... It only reminded me of what I'd lost. It reminded me of everything.

All the grief, all the anger, the sorrow, the pain, the constant mantra of "why" in my head... finally boiled over.

I pulled the small New Testament out of my pocket and turned to that page. The one I'd looked at so many times that I knew it to the last bit of punctuation. "John 13:7," I read aloud, "Jesus answered him, 'What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.'"

I scowled at the verse, then turned my gaze skyward. "Well!?" I shouted, shaking the book in my fist, "I'm still waiting! I'm still asking to understand!"

No response.

I didn't really expect there to be.

All the emotions finally exploded, and I screamed. With all my might I hurled the New Testament into the creek. But that wasn't enough.

I leaned down and grabbed a rock. "You know what!?" I threw the rock into the creek with all the strength I could gather. I picked up another rock, "Fuck you!" Throw. Pick up another rock.

"I don't--" Throw, grab a rock.

"give a shit--" Throw, grab a rock.

"about you!" Throw, grab a rock.

"Fuck you--" Throw, grab a rock.

"God! To fucking--" Throw, grab a rock.

"Hell with you!" Throw, grab a rock.

I was panting by this point. I was tired. I could barely stay on my feet. But I didn't stop. I kept screaming at Him, kept throwing rocks into the creek.

I was sobbing, screaming, pushed to my very limits. How could He do this to me? What about all that stuff about us being His children? What about that, huh? Doesn't the Bible say constantly how much He loves us? Is it all a lie?

Why did He do this to me?

Everyone is gone...

My family, my friends...

I didn't even have a fucking job any more. I didn't even have a Goddamn home! I had nothing. It was all gone...

And what did God do?

Nothing.

He's just gonna sit there and let me deal with it.

No comfort, no dawning wisdom. He's just gonna take everyone and everything from me and then leave me to fend for myself.