My Horrible life (:

My life as a 13 year old, isn't so jolly as you think it'd be. I'm just a spec of dust no one really cares about. It all started when i was younger. I had to live through my parents fighting frequently. It got to the point where they had to call the cops. My uncle and brothers tried to calm them down, but they never really could. We got through it sometimes. One time my mom stabbed my dad with a key, and my dad spit in her face. It'd get violent very few times. They never thought it affected me. My grades were spiraling downwards. I lost my train of thoughts. I couldn't think. All i could think about is going home to see my dad, taking it out on us by yelling. Everyone at my school thought i was so perfect. That i was never sad, when actually i was dying inside. Suicide thought ran through my head everyday. Just pounding and pounding. Every car i saw pass by, i just wanted to get hit by one so bad. Then one day, one of my favorite uncles fell down the stairs at his house and hit his head. He was bleeding internally. He'd been sent to Oakwood hospital, even though he had no chance of living. It took 1-2 days before he passed away. I couldn't take it. I took my anger out on everyone. I even lost friends. That's when my mom and dad started bickering again. Accusing that when he was away at camp with my big brother, that she had sex with my uncle. I didn't know how to handle that. The rage going through my head. It was disgusting. One day i saw a text message on my moms phone, that made me break out in tears. I knew she was cheating on my dad. The way she left the house at 3-4am just to go to 'work'. I knew she was sneaking around, but i didn't wanna admit that to myself. I was already in enough pain. When i was about ten my sister was about to turn eighteen in two weeks. One day she decided she really wanted to leave. So she tried, but they called the cops on her and they came to our house. They told her she can't leave until she's legally eighteen. She was so angry. There was so much going on in her life. Boyfriends. Family. Friends. Work. She was going through a gothic stage in her teen life. She then got herself a boyfriend who wore fairly too much black as i thought to myself as a kid. Her boyfriend was nice guy, but i was afraid my sister replaced me. I thought i lost the only sister i've ever had. Her graduation before all this was delightful for once there was no fighting. But after that was done. They were all arguing again nonstop. Occasionally my mom would run upstairs and start yelling at my sister. She once slapped her. The worst part was that my mom slapped my sister on my brothers birthday. I bursted out in tears as we were playing a simpsons game on the ps2. Two weeks finally passed by really fast. My sister was out so fast i don't even think she said goodbye. We haven't talked for a while. Till i got in fifth grade and made a facebook. I finally got in contact with her for a while. We went to the movies and she took me to the mall. Nothing was ever the same between her and my parents. My dad, raged with anger, never wanted to talk to her ever again. I grew up then without a sister. It was rough going through life knowing that i have no one to tell me how to deal with people and giving me life and school tips. After she left my world was spinning around in circles like a non stop carousel. I knew i was on my own now, since my sister left. I was left to grow up with three older brothers. Also, with my cousin who's pretty much like a brother to me. Sure, i guess you think that's a good thing, but I disagree. living with them is horror. My 15 year old brother likes to get me in trouble for absolutely nothing. My mom treats the kid like a princess. While she treats me like a girl who deserves no respect. Then whenever he does something to me, she goes into another room like she can't hear us. She lets him call me names. Then tells me to go cut myself. He would also say i'm going to grow up just like my sister. That i'm going to cut myself, leave once i'm 18, and never come back. I tell them that I wasn't going to. But I actually want to now. I want to be away from them really badly. They're something i really don't want to remember. But I know i'll regret saying that. But maybe not. Who knows. We don't know the future, right? I'm so good at giving people advice. I talked many people out of suicide, but i could never stop myself. I hate myself. I wish i was confident. I didn't have many friends when i was at CCA but i didn't care. I knew who was fake. It was my brother Manuel's birthday. He was one of my best brothers. He taught me how to fight and stand up for myself. He knew i was strong. Manuel always knew i could pull through. He never once doubted me. One day, all of us except for my dad, went to a hotel for his birthday. In the middle of the day me and my mom went to the bar to go talk to my dad. They got in a huge argument. I was in the truck watching them argue constantly. They both tried to get in the truck and my mom tried driving off and i was on the passenger seat so they kept pushing and i almost fell out. My mom drove away a little and my dad fell on the ground and hit is head. I didn't see him move, so i started crying and screaming. My dad's friends came out to see if he was okay. Then my mom saw him sit up, so she drove away real fast. My dad had to go to the hospital and my mom went to the cops like a day after. My mom wanted me to talk to the cops, but i didn't want to. I was already in enough pain. Why make me relive it? Once we got back to the hotel i went swimming. I tried to kill myself by drowning. My brother called for me, so i stopped myself. I know if i would've tried they would have revived me, when i didn't want to be revived. I wanted my life to be over. I hated myself. I really did. I thought all my parents fighting were my fault. One time my mom went to go get a divorce, but never told anyone. We finally found out when some guy brought my dad the papers. My dad kept constantly asking me and my brothers if were going with him or her. I always said him because i know he could make my life even worse then it already is. My mom always told him he was coaching us, but that would just bring us into the fight we didn't want to be in. I never said a thing i would always just say can you guys stop? Can't you guys just get your divorce. Let the judge figure out a better home with one of you. A couple months past till it was August. That was the date of the divorce. They didn't even go. They continually fighted everyday. Where i wanted to get out of the house. I would get rid of my feelings out by listening to music or sleeping. Because every time i'm awake my life tends to fall apart. We lived in Detroit where my mom was held up at gun point in front of our own house. Our back gate was stolen for the metal. Also, our tires were stolen off the car! We needed to get out of Detroit, but my mom would always cry at night saying she didn't want to leave because that's where she grew up. I on the other hand always wanted to leave. We finally found a house in Allen Park that we liked. Were currently living in it right now. We pay $1,000 every month. It's better than being in Detroit. One day i was taking a shower and my dad was unpacking my room. He opened up a little jewelry box, which had my suicide letter in it. He saw where it said i hate him the most. I actually didn't lie. He's a drunk. My dad stays on a pattern;Drink one day, dont drink the next. That's the pattern he has been on all the time. It's hard to like someone that can't stay sober for one month, even though being drunk can kill him. One Christmas my dad stepped on this sharp thing. It went in his foot and got infected. When they took him to the hospital, they had to cut part of his foot open then stitch it back up. They told him he needs to stop drinking or its a possibility he could die. He waited till he was back up to health. Then he was back at drinking again. He can't stop drinking even when its his own life in danger. My dad has a lot of stress. I'm suprised he hasn't had any heart failure yet. After he found my letter a week after he was yelling at me. He told me, "Do i have to hide my gun from you, keep all the medicine away from you, not have sharp objects in the house? You're like your mom and sister on this suicide bullshit. Are you gonna cut yourself?" Everyday those words are constantly in my head. Everyone tells me i'm gonna end up like my sister. They never knew i used to cut. There's places you guys dont see. I can get away with cutting. If i wanted to do it i could. But really i just wanna die. Everytime someone threatens me, all i can say is, "do it." Honestly, I don't care what people do to me anymore. Kill me, hit me with a car, put me in a mental hospital. Honey, you would then be doing me a favor. I get treated like shit all the time. Being away from everyone would be very pleasant. I had this one friend Yessenia. She was my bestfriend, pretty much a sister. She wasn't really the good girl type. She dressed like a slut. Her clothes were really tight on her. I knew her since 4th grade we were friends all the way up to 8th grade when we got in a huge fight. We argued and argued every day. It got to the point where i couldn't give a fuck. I was done being her friend. Two days after that i got the worst news ever. My aunt was murdered. None of my friends know how that feels. I felt like a part of me was missing. I didn't know if she was alive at first or dead. All they told us was that she was shot. My dad comes back home and i find out that she was shot in the chest with an Ak47 by a guy named Mike Reda. He was in his 60's. He shot her because his ex girlfriend was bestfriends with my aunt and her friend. Mike wanted his ex girlfriend to be hurt by him killing her bestfriends. I don't know what kind of crazy bastard would do that, but that sure enough is the most cruel thing ever. A month after me and my dad were fighting. He slapped me in front of my mom and brother. I felt like calling the police so bad, but i didn't. He hit me before. I should just deal with it now, right? It's not like anythings going to change. My brothers would hate me. I'd be the menace of my family. My dad was so mad at me that night he called me my mom. Even Yessenia. Thats when i was done. I knew i didn't want him to be my father anymore. He called me a slut. A fucking slut. He thought i already lost my virginity too. Im just glad he hasn't found my pills. I try to stay strong i really do. But it's really hard when you feel like you have nothing else to hold onto anymore. I've already attempted suicide many times. I took pills. But everytime i took them i got sick. I failed. I fail at life. I even fail at trying to end my life. Things are starting to get better now, not really. My parents still constantly fight. My dad still drinks. I still don't have my whole family home everyday. All i know is if i'm alive later i hope i could actually find someone who would actually help me through my life. That's if i make it through it. (: