The Girl who cries

The Blood

I place the blade down and let the blood wash off my thigh into the drain of the shower. I feel the relief flood out of me for a few seconds, and the I feel the familiar sting that brings me joy. I continue to wash my hair and body then I turn the water off. I quickly grab the toilet paper and press it down hard on my fresh cut. After a few minutes I walk over to the cabinets to my left and fish out a bandage. I place it over the cut and then put my clothes on. I start to think about my life.

My name is Casey and I suffer depression, or at least I think. I haven't told anyone about it so I can't say I have been diagnosed with it but I do suffer from it. I also have anxiety,I self harm, and have an eating disorder. My life is just perfect. I have been this way for about 3 or 4 years now and its only getting worse. Its getting harder to hide and I'm letting the thoughts in my head get to me.

Anyways I guess I should go to the start. My life started out pretty great believe it or not. I had friends, a great family, not many money issues, nearly no stress, it was great. It was like this up till I was about five years old. That's when things started to change. I never knew what was going on and had to grow up way to fast in such a short time.

I brush through my tangled mess of hair till it become strait and smooth. I then put it up in a pony tail and brush my teeth. I press so hard that I see blood coming from my gums then I rinse it out and clean up the bathroom. Today has been a pretty shit day and I can't wait to get to bed. I love sleep its the only time when I don't have to worry about anything. I love it but sadly I hardly get any. Thoughts run through my head again.

I dont remember much from my childhood, I try to forget as much as I can. I'm not shure which event happened first but I guess I will stat with my grandpas death. At this time all of my friends eather left me,moved, or went up a year ahead of me cause my grandma held me back in preschool for a year. That was a big mistake on her part. Anyway my grandpa become my closes friend and he and I were verry close. When he died he died of a natural cause so it wasn't all that traumatizing but no one told me he had died. I had never experienced death befor this and no told me what it was. I didnt even know he had died untill his funeral.

This memory always kills me but I think back to it so often.

I was playing in the kids too at his funeral with some blocks. When I had to walk into the main building I was confused why there was a line of people standing beside a large wooden box crying. I then looked over the box and saw my grandpa. I was so confused why he was sleeping in that box with people staring at him. We were then lead to a room where we could no longer see the box. The whole thing completely confused me but after a little while we got in a limo. It was so cool being in a car so long. I felt really happy riding in that car. After about 20 minuets we stopped by a small church and I looked behind us and there was a large min of cars pulling into the same lot as us. I looked to the right and saw a graveyard and in the back there was this huge hole. They lowered the basket into the whole and I felt so scared cause my grandpa was in there. I scream for them to stop but my family shushed me and put me aside. Still no one bothered to tell me.what was going on.

I get all my clothes together and put them in the dirty laundry basket then I go down the hall to my room. My room was a complete mess but I never had the motivation to clean it. I set my alarms on my phone for 5 in the morning. I usually wake up at 3 but I always set alarms just in case. I plug my phone into the charge and set it on the table. I laid down and tried to go to sleep. When more thoughts race through mind. I thought about all my pain and hate that I have towards myself and how screwed up I am.

I pick up my phone from the side table and saw that it was already 1 so I went on a few apps till I fell asleep at about 2ish. I closed my eye and started to drift off. I love sleep. You dint have to worry about any pain or sadness. You feel nothing but in a good way. I feel my eyes getting heaver and heaver till the close all the way. Finally some peace.