The Girl who cries

Pre school

I take a running jump before I push off the ledge of the bridge. I see beautiful white feathered wings form on my arms. As soon as I flap them they start to burn into she's leaving me plummeting into the dark icy water. I can feel the breath leave my lungs before I hit the gotten then all I see is black

I wake up with a sudden bolt before I realize I'm in my own bed. I get these dreams often. All different ways of how I die but they all end the same. I always feel so alive in these dreams. Like nothing could touch me. I feel almost happy, but then real life wakes me up and hands me a big bag of shit for breakfast. I really hate waking up. Some nights in even to scared to sleep cause of how ill feel the next morning.

I roll over and look at my phone its 4:30 in the morning and I don't have school till 8. I lay on my back and think back to when my grandpa died.

Why did no one come to help me. Was I really so worthless I didnt even deserve to know my grandpa had died. Why was I so happy at his funeral. Oh god I was so happy its revolting. How at such a time could they just let me roam around with a big smile on my face. My grandpa was dead and I didn't even know. Oh god how did that happen. Even after the funeral I was still joyful once i understood that my grandpa was asleep and had to be kept safe while he was in his special sleep. I was so gullible.

It was still really dark outside so I didnt have much I could do but think. When I think is when things really get bad. I ways have so much free time and I get bored then I over think every detail of my life. It sucks. I grab my box with a lock on it and my flashlight. I open the box with my key and gran my journal. I take the blade out and set it aside. I write about my dream I had before I forgot what it was. I always write down my dreams so that I can read them again later.

I feel one of my cats jump onto my bed and climb on top of my chest. I can feel that it is Guyger. I pet him for awhile then I grab my phone. I do my normal routine of checking all my apps which usually takes about an hour. By the time I stop its already 5:58 and I decide to take a quick shower. I get out and brush my hair, teeth, put on clean clothes,put on deodorant, and put on some body spray. Its only about 6:46 when I get completely done so I go back to my room and lounge about for a bit. More thoughts come to my head.

I never realized it but in preschool I used to be pretty popular. Everyone knew me and licked me. We would all play the same game and have so much fun. Then that all left when I was forced to be held back even though I had nearly the best scores in pre school. My grandma wanted me to wait till I was 6 to start kindergarten. She said it would make me smarter. What a big load of shit. She just dosnt want me to grow up. I'm fucking 14 now and cant even go in the front yard without supervision at her house. Its retarded.

I then start to think about the few memories of that place I have.

Even as a child I had really bad anxiety and I refused to ask if I could go to the bathroom. Well I had held it for so long when I finally peed my pants. Not just a little eather the entire seat and floor was soaked in a puddle it was awful. I remember so many kids asking why it was wet over there. UUUGGGGGGHHHHH why do I do shit like that. Its less awkward to just ask to go pee. I still dont ask to this day but I have yet to pee my pants again. God that was so embarrassing. Why didnt I just ask to go fucking pee. I'm such a retared.

I check my phone one more time and its 6:57. I get up and poor a bowl of cereal with some milk. I put it on the table and start the coffee. I then proceed to wake up my dad. Its always a struggle to get him up. Some days he dosnt even get up till 7:53 when we leave for the school. He eventually wakes up and gets my medicine. I take Prozac which helps with the anxiety and a little bit with the depression. The medicine barley even works on me and I still feel like shit for the whole day. I eat the cereal and chug my milk. I then get all my school stuff together and get ready for school.

Authors note- I write these chapters right as I'm about to go to sleep so if there are any spelling problems feel free to tell me and I fix them thanks