“This isn’t the movies, Sarah. You can’t just walk all over people, and expect everything to work its self out. You’re living in a fantasy world. I mean, fuck! Where’s the girl I fell in love with?”
“I don’t know.” I murmured, barely audible. Tears were streaming down my face now. I knew he was right. What was I doing? This was not the person I wanted to be, but I couldn’t help it. I cheated. He sighed deeply, and interrupted the pity-party that was my thoughts. His eyes met mine.
“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore.”
Those words sent chills down my spine. I didn’t blame him; I wouldn’t want to be with someone like me, either. I nodded, and before I could even finish, he was gone.
I sat alone, at the kitchen table. I couldn’t bear moving, I felt like I was drowning in ice water. I had just lost everything. I threw it all away. There was no point in saying I was sorry, that I loved him or anything else I could conjure, he’d heard it all before, and it wasn’t going to solve anything. Staring into the emptiness across the table I reminded myself that today was the last day of school, and tomorrow, I was supposed to road trip down to see my family in Texas, but after today I didn’t want to leave the chair I sat in. I don’t recall ever feeling so small.
I drug myself to bed, despite the fact it was the middle of the day, I shut my eyes, and tried to sleep, but sleep, was the last thing I did. When I heard my door close, my heart sank ever further, I dug around and found my half-pack of L&M Red 100’s. I had been trying to quit for Caleb, but, after today, I’d made it quite evident to myself that my morals weren’t of concern. The flick of my lighter erupted through the silence.
“Just breathe,”
I soothed myself, and no sooner than I whispered those words, I lost it. With my back against the wall, I slid down, and wept, dramatically, for what seemed like an eternity.
*Buzz buzz* *Buzz buzz* *Buuuuzzzzz--*
“Ugh what now?!” I slowly stood up, and wiped the tears from my face, and gathered my phone from the dresser.
“4 New Messages View Now?”
“Why the fuck not?” I sighed.
“3 from ‘Caleb<3’ 1 from ‘Gabby’”
I opened Gabby’s looking for words of encouragement, or support,
“Hey, girl! You need to come over now, I know you’re leaving tomorrow, but there’s no since in being sad all on your lonesome! I’ve got brownies!”
I suppose that was her idea of encouragement. It was enough to make me smile, and I headed over to her place. I don’t know why I did, I just did. I wanted nothing more than to be alone, so I went to hang out with my best friend.
Sometimes, I don’t even understand myself.
I plugged my iPod in the car radio, put it on shuffle, and headed to Gabby’s.
My iPod usually caught my vibe, and shuffled to a song that was exactly how I felt. Not today. Today, it was just off. This whole day had just been off. I lit another cigarette, knowing it’d be the only one I’d have for a while, couldn’t let Gabby see I was smoking again… Then she’d know for sure I was lying when I said I was okay regarding the recent break-up.
I never understood how she knew about my problems so quick. I mean sure, there’s the relationship status changes on social media, but, she was like a fucking detective, this had just happen, maybe an hour ago.
I put out my last cigarette, grabbed my bag, and made my way to Gabby’s door. I loved her to pieces, but I almost dreaded the 20 million questions that awaited me inside.
