The Christmas Carol

Saline Liquids

When I asked to go to the hospital in the ambulance with them, the medics had all refused. Not even my puffy red eyes and blubbering could convinced them.

One of the policemen who showed up offered to give me a ride home. I didn't really want to move though. Anywhere but the hospital just didn't seem to be a logical option.

"Please, can you just take me to the hospital?"

He looked at me in sympathy, "Are you related to the victims?"

I nodded, "He is too" I said, twisting around to point at the young-old men behind me, where blue eyed one sat on the ground with his face buried in his hands and the brown haired one was trying to comfort him.

"I see." The policeman curtly nodded. "If you are sure that's where you want to be. Hop in the car." He motioned to the back seat.

I held up a finger to indicate " one moment". I went over to the guy sitting on the ground, his friend studied me as I walked the short distance but I didn't look back at him. I couldn't seem to make my voice work though.

"Niall..." The friend who had been watching me spoke up.

The guy named Niall didn't move or look up but his tears began to ebb and his silent body shaking slowly turned into occasional shudders that ran over his back like little tremors when he sucked in a deep breath. I had been through that just minutes ago before I became calm enough to talk to the police officer and it was exhausting to watch him go through the calming process too.

"ehh-lln" My pathetic attempt to clear my throat and say his name was twisted by an unexpected shudder. Regardless, l got his attention.

Slowly his face rose from the safe blackness of his hands, rubbing circles and wiping the tears from his eyes.

"The hospital, do you...?" I dragged out the question, not quite sure if I made sense but hoping it would translate into what I was trying to tell him. His eyes remained blank.

"Mate, do you want to go to the hospital with her? The police are gunna take you." The brown haired one asked, clarifying.

Nialls eyes remained blank but he nodded and made to pick himself off the ground with the help of his friend. "Thanks mate, are you gunna go back to the house?" He hoarsely asked the brown haired guy.

"Yeah, I think I will. I'll let your family know where you are, alright lad? They'll probably meet you at the hospital."

We were at the car and I slid in on one side and Niall slid in on the other. His friend patted him on the shoulder one more time and shut the door for him.

The ride to the hospital was silent and I stared at my hands in my lap the whole time, watching my pointer finger twitch every few minutes. I couldn't manage to think of anything, it was like my brain was on auto pilot and wouldn't let me process what was going on or what I was doing.

Drowning felt about right. But this was a worse feeling than when I got tossed around by the waves on the beach when I was a child. In Marseilles my family was on vacation and we we're having a beach day. My cousin and I were playing in the water when a swell came up and knocked me under.

I panicked and flailed around because I didn't know which was was up or down and couldn't find the surface. The worst part was when I gained my bearings and stood up. Spluttering and dry heaving on the salt water I had swallowed, I realized I had thought I was going to drown... In a half a meter of water.

But this was worse than the panic. This was worse than my fear of water that made me steer clear of swimming for a year. That had all been anticipation, drowning because I had been holding my breath, afraid of what might happen.