One can't begin to explain the feeling of hopelessness. It's a feeling that nobody deserves to go through, yet at one point or another in our lives we do. The feeling was permanently decided in my head. I didn't decide it though. My friends, family, school teachers, and my anxiety decided it. Whether I wanted it there or not, it was going to be present and that was final.
I'll never forget my first encounter with anxiety. It stays crystal clear in my head as if it were yesterday...sure feels like it was. I was in first grade. Mrs. Hite's class. I loved her, she isn't the problem. The problem was how one accidental act lead to one problem that would consume my life forever and almost end it. It was in the morning and in the morning you had to line up with your grade in class before school began. We were in the gym and I was spinning around, like a kid does, when I accidentally hit someone. Immediately I turned to say I was sorry, but she didn't care. She said, "What are you doing? This is why people don't like you". I will never forget those word. If only she knew I say those in my head every time something goes wrong. This, my friends, is where it all started.
I've always wondered what it was like to be in bullies shoes. As if people's lives are bad enough, they go and make them even worse. I don't understand how you can be mean to a person to the point of them physically hurting themselves because they believe they are the problem and trust me, I know that's what they're thinking. What's wrong with me? A question we probably all think at some point, but a question that even as I write this i'm thinking inside my head.
Third grade was a crucial time in my feeling of being unwanted, in which even today as I sit here writing this with my husband of 3 years is sitting on the couch, I still experience. I only had one friend. Every since I was 4 she has been my best friend, but not a best friend as we tell each other everything type friend, just as we do a lot together. Anyway, she is very social, whereas I am not. We were on the bus and she made a new friend and would always sit with her on the bus. I would have to sit alone because well, I only had her. She started to do everything with her and it made me feel unwanted. Everyday on the bus I would sit alone and she would laugh with her friend and everything. We would get to class and there would be another girl she would be friends with and do everything with her. I started to think, maybe i'm doing something wrong. Maybe I should be nicer and give her things. As I did those things, nothing changed.
