I hate to say that I do not remember the specific day or the specific words. As a fifth grader going into middle school my innocence was shattered. I spoke no words and I felt no emotion. Except anger. To this day I give forgiveness, but rarely mean it. Forgiveness had never been something that was easy to understand.
My parents worried that I had become a shut up child like my sister. I could fake them out, I prided myself in my abilities to lie. I lived on as a happy, energetic child, who according them could not understand the crimes. I knew. I always knew. I finish fifth grade and I was just happy to be “cool” middle school student. I would just leave the problems of fifth grade back there and never think about them again. There are experiences in our life that never leave us.
I attended a camp throughout elementary school. It was my last summer there, before I went to middle school. One night my counselors suggested that it would be fun to sing a song. One of my best friends suggested Amazing Grace. Before we finished the first verse I ran out of the cabin. I sat upon a rock that still holds dear to my heart.
I did not believe in an amazing grace. Not anymore. He did not deserve grace. He was a terrible human being who was my uncle. He sexually assaulted multiple teenage boys who were on a soccer team that he helped coach. My love for singing stemmed from the Christian CD’s that he bought me since I was seven. To this day I cannot sing without thinking about him.
I dwelled upon myself upon that rock for what seemed like hours but was only mere minutes until one of my counselors, Shannon, found me. When she asked what was wrong, I had no clue what to say. No one except my most trusted friend knew. I felt that maybe they would tell me that my hatred and anger toward him was normal. So I spilled.
Much to my dismay my counselor did not tell me that at all. Unfortunately, she said the same thing my parent said, forgiveness and grace. Though I did not want to take her word to heart, I did. I knew that I had to forgive my uncle. However, I could never manage to say those words. To this day I think about telling him, but I how can I forgive when I can barely say a ‘hello.’
I left that camp thinking that I was never going back. In the years ahead, I told myself that they probably would never forgive him if he was their uncle. Though now as a member of that camp’s leadership program, I have seen the trust and forgiveness that the whole camp holds.
In the years of middle school, forgiveness was a fruit of the spirit that never reach my household. In these crucial years I just thought of forgiveness as an “I’m sorry”, but never truly meaning those words. It was in the moments of my freshman year of high school where all I wanted was to know forgiveness. I had felt abandoned by that word. I felt the lies in every apology, both given and received.
I decided to join the leadership program where I knew that the emptiness could be fulfilled. I worked hard during the two weeks that I was there. I did not want to do anything that would require forgiveness. I never wanted to apologize for doing something wrong. That would just mean that I was weak and that I did not deserve to be among such Godly people.
However I did slip and fall. I lost the trust of my counselor, Risa. I felt ashamed. I felt like even though she had accepted my apology, it was not enough. I didn’t think I belonged there. How could a human being give grace. I returned for my second year at leadership training. I vowed that I was going to become a new person that they would be proud to have me as a part of their staff at the camp.
One night I had a conversation with the same counselor would I had broken their trust. I asked, “How can you forgive me for the stuff that I did? Everyone else is perfect. But I’m marked with black of sin.”
Risa simply responded, “ We are to forgive others just as Christ has forgiven us. And no one is perfect they just think that they get away with it. Though your strength is recognizing that you did something wrong and that you seek out forgiveness, your weakness in this is that you have to learn how to accept it.”
It hit me. God’s amazing grace is promising. Those who are his followers must learn to have grace and forgiveness toward even those who sin against them. If we wish to accept forgiveness and grace we also must be able to give it. There is a road to everything in life. We choose the path that we take. I chose to never forgive myself and therefore I could not forgive anyone.
A long road is ahead for those who live in the past. In the words of Jan Glidewell, “You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.” I embrace every present opportunity as a learning experience to live a full life in the way that God intends of me. In the present and not in the past.
