A Letter To Love

Dear Love,

It has been a really long time since I write to you, I know, and for that I'm sorry. Sometimes I let myself be carried away by the tumultuous waves of life, I let the beautiful mess of the days that run by involve me and it's difficult, so difficult... So difficult to pay attention to what really matters.

But I'm here, right here and right now, writing to you.

It has been troubling to be able to concentrate lately, as I've been thinking a lot about you.

The condition of the human being, as I conceive it, is to seek you, natural and irrationally. We seek love since the very moment we open our eyes for the first time and we can't ever detach ourselves from that mission that we tacitly assume. For Life! We do it, heartbreak after heartbreak, loss after loss, tear after tear, even when we think we are renouncing you, there's always a part of us, even the smallest fraction, a single and lonely molecule, that keeps looking around, anxious to find you.

You are, indeed, what moves the World. I admit you have that power, because you move me every single day. You made me choose the future I'm tracing and you keep me going, step by step, day after day, even when I doubt myself to be able to keep moving forward.

Sometimes I'm so tired and I feel so hopeless of my capacities. Sometimes I think if it's really worth it, and so, naturally, I seek you. I stop, right in the middle of the frenzy, in the center of the white hallway, and I look around me, watching for you. And I see you... In the aseptic theatre of operations, in the hand of the nurse that caresses the child lying, temporarily asleep, I see you. In the hospital room where the old couple old hands and exchange hopes of a tomorrow. I see you in the hallway of the Pediatrics ward, where this little child smiles and giggles when I tickle her. I see you and I know what I do matters.

But lately what has been troubling me is that I never see you alone. You are always accompanied by two friends, Time and Death. I see you in the same room, at the same time, as I witness the miracle of life, a woman giving birth. I have my gloves on, I'm holding that amazing newborn life in my hands and you are right there, beside me, all of you. There's a powerful lesson, in acknowledging this coexistence. Time starts carrying us since the moment we are a single cell, since the moment we have the possibility of Life and of course, where Time goes, Death follows. Everywhere where there's potential Life, there's potential Death. And, in the middle of all, Life, Time, Death, there's you. You are powerful because you colour Life, you make Time worth more than most of us can ever know, and you make us fear Death, because it symbolizes the end of Life, Time and You, as we know it.

It has now been a year since I felt a big loss in my life, my grandfather. It was painful, so painful. I saw time pass by, slow and torturing, locking his soul more and more in a body that already felt Death approaching, way before it really caught him. I saw, the flame of Life extinguish, I felt you getting desperate, scream and cry inside my chest.

I shut down for a little while, or so I thought. But every while is too much, as Time and Death remind me. So I'm back.

After all, I guess I just wanted to let you know that. I'm back. I'm back to you. I'm done watching you from the sidelines. I'm opening my soul, knowing all that I'm risking by that, to embrace you, if you still think I deserve a chance.

With all my heart,

Diana.