Journal of a Random College Student

I got my chance

After everything that happened I couldn't just keep everything in anymore. I had come to a decision. I had to tell her! I just had to! But how? Weeks of planning went into it, countless ideas floated around in my mind, as my brain analyzed what could possibly go wrong in each of them. I've never being good at telling girls I liked them, maybe it's because I never had anyone to teach me. Since my dad left after the divorce I was pretty much raised by girls, so that didn't really help when questions about guy problems arose. My plans were not coming out great, in my mind buying flowers or chocolates and things like that was a little too common. There had to be something I could do that could completely break the scheme and win her heart. 

As I debated how to tell Andrea about what I felt for her, she was pretty much clueless about what was about to happen. One afternoon as I sat in my couch brainstorming, she texted me. Apparently she was going to a play and had no one to go with. Unfortunately for me she lived too far away and by the time that I made it to the theater, the play would've been half way through. So now on top of being confused about how to confess my feelings to her I felt bad she had to go alone. Honestly I don't know what happened after that short conversation with her, all I knew is I wanted to make some music. I took out my guitar from it's case and sat down in front of my computer. I opened a blank text document, and literally started writing my heart out. In just a few hours I had done it, I wrote a song for her. It expressed everything I felt for her. I never gave it a title and my idea was to let her pick it. The first verse started of like this:

"Sitting in a room.

Waiting for someone to talk I felt dumb.

Wondering what I was doing there until,

you walked right through that door and said.

You were sorry you were late.

The raindrops running down your hair onto your shirt.

We stared into each other's eyes and then I knew,

I had to find a way to talk to you."

Every verse I wrote was real and based on something we had done together, talked about, or something she said. This one in particular was special because it referred to the actual moment when I knew I had to tell her, when I saw how beautiful she truly was and she didn't even have to try to be. I was in the cafeteria, she told me to wait for her so we could go out and eat with some friends. She took forever, but I didn't really care, she was always late anyways, I had gotten used to it already. But that day there was something about her, it was a rainy day and as she walked through those door, man how she shone. She was beautiful, I would even say she was glowing like an angel, maybe an angel sent to save me from this awful world. When she got to the table where I was sitting she apologized, I couldn't help but observe every detail about her, specially how the raindrops slid down her perfectly straight hair. I really didn't hear the apology nor did I want to, all I could think about was how and when I was going to tell her how I felt. We went on with our plans but there was a problem. When I said we were going out with "some friends", that included her boyfriend, just the thought of it made me sad and I knew I had to tell her what I felt soon otherwise it would wind up driving my crazy.  

"All the time we spend together

makes this feeling so much greater.

Your laugh, your smile, your style,

the way you are girl it's so perfect.

I wish that I could tell how I felt,

I wish I had a chance."

The second verse I had written kept playing in my mind. Everything about her was perfect and as I followed her to his car, because he was picking us up, oh how I wished I had the chance to tell her. I sat in the back seat and watched as she kissed him hello. I could feel my heart bursting into flames, my whole world shutting down. How I wished it was my lips she was kissing, but no, destiny didn't want it to be that way. We drove to the place where we were supposed to meet up with the rest of our friends. When we got there Stan, Gabriel, Jesus, and Hayley were waiting impatiently ready to devour the Chinese buffet. We got out of the car and I watched sadly as they walked holding hands. The group was finally together and we decided to head inside. As we walked in, rows and rows of food were lined up just waiting for us. Personally I didn't even care about the food my brain was just in denial. I sat across the table, on the opposite corner from where she sat. I couldn't have been feeling any worse, when out of nowhere she started looking my way, we did that for a while, until we left to be exact it was as if she knew. Like somehow she sensed what I felt for her and decided to show me how much she cared about me. I was no longer sad but I couldn't stop staring at her and I think her boyfriend started to notice. By the time we were all finished eating and it was time to go home. Everyone said their goodbyes and started to leave, since me and Hayley were heading in the same direction we walked to the bus stop together. I really didn't know her that well, we started talking about our families, jobs, siblings and all those introductory questions you ask someone when you first meet them, suddenly Karl and Andrea drove by and happened to see us. They asked if we wanted a ride, I didn't think twice and immediately refused. They both looked really surprised, but I'd rather walk home than have to see them together again, Hayley looked at me as if telling me to reconsider so I had no choice but to accept. We got in the car, and there it was again holding hands as usual.

"It's been magical and perfect I don't know if I deserve.

But i can't just sit here wondering what can happen if we made it.

So just tell if I'm crazy if I'm wrong if I don't understand.

I want to be the one that holds your hand

I want to be the one that holds your hand"

The ending to my song had never felt more real, I'd never wanted anything so much before. I wanted to have what he had, I wanted her. After that day I gathered the courage I needed and the next time I saw her, I took her to this small sushi place we used to go to around campus. I had recorded the song I wrote and uploaded it to my phone. I had promised her I was going to tell her who her secret admirer was, but first I told her to give me her opinion on a song that I had wrote. She listened closely, at first she didn't know it was for her, actually even after it finished it took her a while to put everything together "Where did you get the inspiration....", she stopped and started to blush. The moment she realized it was for her, that moment was one of the best feelings I had ever experienced. She knew now, and surprisingly she didn't reject me she just smiled, then we stared awkwardly at each other for a couple of minutes, laughs and smiles here and there but we got through it. It felt good "Well I wasn't expecting that, out of all people I would've never thought it would be you.", she said with a look of amazement on her face. After that day nothing was the same. We looked at each other differently even though we never said it, we knew we felt the same way, it was a mix of feelings that I will never be able to explain. All I can say is if there is such thing as love, then that's exactly what it should feel like.