Talk About It

It Takes Bravery

Christina collapsed on the sofa. Not as in she fainted and I called the ambulance because her heart stopped or her respiratory system was malfunctioning. She just collapsed. Her muscles just seemed to relax and melt away all at once, and her body went limp against the cushions. Her eyes were closed, not pressed together and scrunched up, just closed. Despite myself, I smiled a little, one of those sad smiles that authors always mention - a 'the saddest smile she'd ever seen' kind of smile. I brushed my face and blinked rapidly. Christina moved only her mouth. "No matter what happens, I know I won't ever not love him. We didn't know each other for a long time, and yeah, I get that whole 'first love isn't always forever' thing, but it felt like it was going to be forever. It really did, and now it isn't, and I just..." She trailed off. I stood up and sat closer, in front of her, my knees on the timber floor. Her hands were clasped loosely in her lap. I reached out and clasped them in my own hands. At the first point of contact, Christina flinched. It was barely noticeable, and I didn't so much see it as I did feel it. Her right knee twitched a little, and that was it. I was about to pull away, but she gave a little nod so I didn't. "Christina," I said. Her hands were icy. "Christina, look at me." Her eyes were liquid and blurred, like melting chocolate. "You are so brave." Her voice was broken and shaky as she whispered, "No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. How many people have you talked to about this?"

"One. You."

"See? Any number more than one makes you one of the bravest people I've ever known or heard about or seen, okay? I'm not lying."

"Okay, well, then, that solves all my problems! I'm kind of brave. Yay. Everything in my life will just go back to normal - oh wait, those are all LIES!"

I watched as she stood up and I could almost see the sarcasm dripping from her words. She was angry, I knew that. Underneath everything was sadness, but there was anger in her heart too. Honestly, I knew where it was coming from, and I knew it couldn't be fixed, but I wanted her to get her anger out. I bit my lip, preparing for the next part.

Christina was standing up, fists clenched by her sides. I didn't even try to calm her down - what would I say? "Don't worry, it's okay"? She had plenty of reasons to be angry. She opened her mouth, as if about to scream something, to yell, but then she softened. It looked like a flower wilting rapidly in a time-lapse video: petals suddenly drooping, stem wobbling and falling, no part of it strong enough to hold anything else up. It broke my heart. You know when you read a book and you tear up - or bawl your eyes out, let's be honest - because something bad happened? And because the author is punching holes in your heart through artistry of words in someone's feelings? This - seeing Christina go limp - was worse. It felt so real; the sadness seemed to be outside of my mind as well as in it. Brushing away tears, I thought of something to say. "Christina," I said as she sat down again on the sofa, "have you ever thought about why all these things hurt you so much?"

"No," she said, blinking quickly, her jaw trembling.

"I think it's because you loved them enough. When people are here, if you love them, they hold a place in your heart, and even if something happens and they do something that makes you want to hate them, if you loved them enough before, you'll never be able to cut them away from your heart."

"Like Tris and Caleb - even before she truly forgave him, he kind of already was because she still loved him," Christina interjected. I nodded. In truth, I hadn't been thinking of them when I was talking.

"Yes, exactly like Tris and Caleb. But love, whatever people may say, is never a weakness. Love will never chain you. It will set you free.

"The thing is, you can love someone as much as you want, but you can't make them immortal and you can't make yourself immortal. Love is powerful, but not like that. It doesn't matter. You still love them, even if you can't see them every day, or every month, or even every year. You love them still because they always hold a place in your heart, even if not by your side. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it does. I'm never going to forget that. Love hurts parts of you but it heals more." She smiled.

I opened my mouth to say something to Christina, but closed it when I saw her hand go to my phone. She quickly picked it up and held it to her ear, even though the screen was still dark. I stayed quiet, trying to hear what she heard, but to no avail. "They're taking me back," she told me as she pulled the phone away from her face and placed it gently on the table, as if it were fragile (she didn't know how many times I'd dropped it). It took a few moments for me to register her words. "Oh, you have to, um..." I started, not knowing how to articulate it.

"Yeah. I have to," she said. I felt a twinge of sadness - with her gone, what if this was all just my imagining? Then I felt horrible even as I thought the words. There were worse things to worry about anyway. We both stood up and at the entrance of the house, Christina seemed like she had something to say. I paused before opening the door. "Thank you," she said, blinking quickly. I frowned in slight confusion. "Thank you for, you know, this," she continued, gesturing with her hands at the air around us. "Just - thank you." And then I felt tears on my shoulder, bleeding through my clothes, arms around me, a new friend's embrace. I didn't care anymore if this was real or not. As Christina pulled away, looking slightly embarrassed, I said to her, "You're very welcome. And for the record, you are always welcome in any place I am."

"Thank you," she said again. Then I opened the door and watched her walk away. At the border of the front garden, Christina turned back to face me, a smile lighting up her face. I could see the difference it made, even past her face. She held up a hand, about to wave, when she froze, and then her form - a picture of happiness - faded away. I hoped she made it back safe, and I hope she made it back happy.