You Don't Realize

I keep my mouth clasped of secrets and riddles

But they slowly become something I fiddle

Around with in spare time

They bash in and wreck me as though I'm on the frontline

Of happiness and sadness. They clash together

All in my mind like thunderstorm weather.

I feel it closed up in a jar in my mind

As it stew within its own rotten brine

A thought so innocent yet could sound 3000 ways

"I'm starting to miss you, I'm afraid"

Not sexual, not romantic, not spiteful, or glorifying

I question myself if it's for friendship or more mortifying

To maybe see a pinch of doubt in his eyes.

That I might do it again or maybe something worse

That could make me numb or even coarse

I know I used to say I hate you, sympathy, I seemed to lack

but actually, I hated myself in fact

I want to go back 3 years and start fresh

without all the confusing sexuality mess.

I wish my hormonal brain was cured and stable

Without all the jumble of blue and pink cables

I wanted him but I wanted to know what the touch of pink felt like

Unfortunately, it lead to feelings and although despite

They were true but false all at the same time

A thread remains, after all, it was a tight bind

Despite cables and plexiglass

I wish I could rewrite those memories to have a better past

But in a way I don't, I want us to talk like we use to

cause honestly I really fucking miss you