I Don't Know, I Don't Understand

Dec. 5

I don't understand why I feel like this. I just want to disappear into one of my favourite stories. Lord of the rings, to roam the land with Legolas and Boromir and Aragorn, learn to swordfight and shoot arrows be free and loved, or Harry Potter, learn magic, be with the Weasley twins and play pranks, have teachers like Snape and Mcgonagall and have friends in my teachers , have family in my friends, be loved and find that missing piece. I think there is a missing piece. Maybe that's why I feel like this. But maybe not. Maybe i'm making it up and there isn't really anything there at all. I know I made the last sentence up. I don't really think the missing piece thing is made-up. It feels real. For once it feel real. Now I feel like I'm exaggerating my feelings. Maybe I am. I don't know. I don't understand. Maybe...

I don't know. I got distracted and lost my train of thought. Now I feel like I'm making something up to get pity from people. Not that people are going to see this. But maybe I will show people this, I want to. I don't know why but I do want to. Maybe I do want pity. No, I don't. The thought makes me feel gross and sick. I don't want pity. From what I've seen, fake-people want pity, I don't want to be fake.

I'm listening to fantasy elven music, it's beautiful and free and magical. I want to be music. I want to be Fire, I want to be Darkness, I want to be Air, Water, Light, Earth. I want to be free. Free from expectations, free from people, free from life. Maybe in death there is such a place. But for now I am here, and I want to be free, here. Now I feel like I am writing a story and these feelings are not mine but a character. Maybe I am embellishing my true feelings. I do not know. I do not understand. I want to be a part of something beautiful and ancient, full of life and musical. I want there to be peace and happiness in the world. I want to free all the helpless souls so we can all be free together.

This morning I was happy. I think, that's how i remember it, or maybe i wasn't feeling much happy or sad. I was dreading school for no particular reason. Mostly because I don't like my french teacher, and that i didn't finish some english homework. In fact, i'm supposed to be doing that homework right now, but i got distracted and now I don't want to do it. Besides, It's only 9:04 pm right now. I'll do it later. Back to what I was saying. I was fine this morning. By lunchtime i was doing okay. Me, my best friend (who is like my soul twin), and our other friend who is a guy, like hanging out in the music room, where there are a couple of pianos we like playing. Recently, we had been practicing Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes for the winter talent show. The first day we had started practicing, i had gotten into a little fight with my guy friend who happens to be a pretty good guitarists ( I'm supposed to play the keyboard for this song). When it comes to projects and music, I like goofing off. I will get the work done, but with a lot of goofing off. Add my soul twin to the equation and you're pretty much guaranteed to lose my interests. I was still gonna learn the song but i just wasn't feeling it at the time. My guy friend though, took the matter really seriously, and I got pissed at him. We made up the next day. Today I had the song down, me and my twin were practicing it repetitively, while still having fun. While we were joking around though, and reminiscing about old jokes, a few things I didn't like about myself popped up, and I felt bad for the rest of the day. In drama class, we were supposed to write a reflection on what we want to do to help make a change in the world or in daily life. We could write about things we could change about ourselves so that we're better people. The teacher also got talking about how negative things people say to you have a more lasting effect than positive things. As an example, she said how calling someone fat, and there were two other things she said that i don't remember, could affect someone. But the thing is the three things she said struck home. I got lost again, because these are things I am self-conscious about. I am not actually fat, but over the summer I did gain a lot of weight and I constantly feel like people are judging me on that.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I feel better than I did when I started writing this. I want to say more but if I do show this to people, then I won't, but I am making a vow to myself that I will not delete any of the stuff I already wrote here, or any other things I add to it, because maybe I will want to look at my exact feeling again one day. And I will also not lie.