I'm sitting in my room doing nothing in particular when I hear my phone ring. I grab it quickly before my parents can pick up in the other room. I hope they don't listen in, I think before bringing the phone to my ear.
"Hi baby" I hear my boyfriend, Duff's, voice.
"Hey" I say with a sigh.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
"I just miss you, I wish we could see each other."
"Me too. But your parents don't like me so there's not much we can do..." He replies quietly.
"They don't fucking know you!" I exclaim angrily.
I hate that they haven't even tried to get to know him. They assume that just because he's a punk rocker in a band that he's a loser bum. He's the most amazing person I've ever met and I won't let them keep me away from him!
"I know angel, but don't worry, someday we'll get outta here. When Guns takes off we'll move far away from here and spend every single second together and you'll go on tour with us. We'll have the life we've always talked about, I promise."
I smile a little, he always has a way of making me feel better. "I know baby, that'll be amazing. But anyway what's up?"
"I just wanted to hear your voice." He says.
"Yeah it's pretty nice to hear yours too, Mckagan."
"How's your day been? It feels like it's been forever since I've seen ya, who woulda thought we'd ever miss school, huh?" He says, I can hear him do the cute pout thing he does.
"I know right? Kinda shitty, I've been hiding in my room all day because my parents have been super naggy lately."
"Oh that blows."
"Yeah it does. I wish you were here." I sigh.
"Me too baby doll. Me too."
"
Ashley! Come out for dinner!" I hear my father from outside of my room.
"Shit babe, I gotta go. I have to go eat dinner. I love you."
"Ok baby. I love you more."
"I doubt it." I reply with a grin before hanging the phone up.
I walk out of my room, dreading another session of nagging. I sit down at the table and get my food quietly. "Who were you talking to?" My mom says pointedly. Before I can answer my dad says, "Probably that loser boyfriend of hers", shooting me a disapproving look. "He's not a loser." I growl, looking down at my food. "You wouldn't know, you're just infatuated with him. You'll realize someday that he's no good." My mom says. My blood is boiling and I can feel my face turn red. "He's actually pretty cool." Jeremy, my little brother, says quietly. I shoot a grateful glance at him. "How would you know? You don't him and you don't even know me." I say to my parents. "What did you say young lady?" My mom gasps. "We know you better than you know your self, Ashley Margo." My father snaps. I stay quiet and eat my food. Sometimes I just hate them, I think to myself. They don't know me at all and they judge everything I do so harshly.
After dinner is 'family time', which consists of either my parents interrogating and reprimanding Jeremy and I or sitting and not speaking while they read the paper. Today it was the latter.
I leave as soon as possible and go into my room. I flop down on my bed and exhale deeply. Being around them is completely exhausting. They're so rigid and proper, I don't think I've ever seen them have fun. They don't even smile. I used to wonder when I was little if they were robots or something. I hear my door creak and look up swiftly. "It's just me." Jeremy says quietly. "Oh phew!" I huff. He sits down on my bed after shutting the door. "We'll get out of here someday." He says. "For now we just gotta deal with them, we gotta be perfect, respectful kids and then they'll leave us alone." He says. I sit up next to him, "I never thought a twelve year old could actually be smart." I tease and mess his hair up. "Hey!" He laughs. "But screw that man." I say. "I'm not gonna act like I'm this perfect little goody two shoes for the rest of my life, Jeremy. I can't. I have to get outta here, soon. I've graduated and I just can't be here much longer with them." I say. "Well when you do you gotta take me with them because I don't wanna stay here with those fucking drill sergeants for six more years." He says. "Don't worry I will, and watch your mouth." I say. "I got it from you." He laughs as he gets up to go.
Once he's gone I have a sudden urge to flee this place, it feels like a prison. I walk out of my room and make sure my parents are asleep, they go to bed so early, it's only eight. Then, I go to Jeremy's room. I peek in and say, "I'm going to Duff's, ok? Don't tell mom and dad." "Oh yeah I'm gonna go tell them. Just tell them what a rebellious piece of shit you are." He laughs sarcastically. "Don't fuck around" I chuckle before shutting his door again.
I grab my worn out leather jacket and walk out the door, closing it quietly. Duff lives a couple blocks east of my house so I start walking. I trudge along under the street lights.
It's been a bit over a week since I've seen Duff, the last day I saw him was the day before summer break started. I'm not gonna let them keep me from him ever again. I think to myself. There's absolutely no reason I shouldn't be able to see him. I don't even care if they know I'm leaving from now on when I go see him. What are they gonna do, kick me out? That'd be fine by me. I'm tired of letting them control every move I make. I'm done with it.
I have a small rush of excitement as I get to Duff's house, I feel liberated as I think about breaking the chains my parents have put on my life. I walk around to the side of the house. I go to his window , the light from his room hits my face.
I see him sitting on his bed, he's looking at the only picture we have together. I smile a little.
It's from one of the boys shows and Duff and I were back stage after the gig. We hadn't seen each other at all for a couple weeks because of winter break and hadn't even been able to talk on the phone because my parents had taken mine away. We were laying on the couch, unaware of everyone but each other. Our limbs intertwined, just looking into each other's eyes. Apparently Slash thought it was either funny or cute because he snapped a picture of us without us even noticing. I'm so glad he did.
I tap on Duff's window lightly and he looks up, startled. A huge smile spreads across his face when he sees me. He jumps up and opens the window. "Baby what're you doing here?" He asks. "I miss you." I say as I climb into his room. "God, I missed you too" he says, pulling me into his arms. He just holds me for a few seconds, his hand on the back of my head.
I know it probably seems so dumb that we miss each other pretty much after only a week but it makes it so much worse when you have no idea when you'll see each other again. "Won't your parents lose it?" He asks. "I don't fucking care." I reply, backing him into the door. He leans against it and pulls me even closer to himself, wrapping his arms around my waist. I smile up at him. He leans down and kisses me like he's in a barren desert and my lips are the only thing that will quench his thirst. I kiss him back with the same intensity, wrapping my arms around his neck. He picks me up carries me to the bed, laying me down on my back gently. His lips never leaving mine. I've missed him so much. In this moment I know, nothing has ever been so clear to me in my life, he's who I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with.
My hands find their way into his blonde mess of hair. I flip us over so I'm on top of him. I lay on top of him, his hands resting on my backside. I kiss down his neck to his chest and then make my way back up to his jaw, taking my time. My lips move back up to his and kiss him hard.
I hear the bedroom door open and look up. Axl stands there, "Oh shit sorry man I didn't know Ash was here" he says. "Steven wanted to know if you wanted any popcorn, but I think you got a better snack." He laughs, shutting the door again. We both chuckle and I roll off of him. "Was that a gay joke?" Duff asks. I laugh, we all call Steven Popcorn affectionately. We shift so we're on our sides, looking into each other's eyes. He pulls me closer to him and holds me to himself. My hands rest on his chest. "I love you." He whispers. "I love you more." I reply. "I doubt it." He says.
I slowly start to drift off in his arms. This is my favorite place to ever be, I'm so comfortable and content when I'm with him. At my house I'm always worried my parents will get mad at me for saying or doing something wrong. But with him, I'm not worried about anything. I feel him brush my hair out of my face as I lose consciousness. This is my home.
Duff wakes me up in the morning, shaking my shoulder. I rub my eyes and sit up, smiling at him. "Good morning Duffy" I say, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in to kiss me. "Wait babe, won't your parents lose their shit? You were here over night." He stops me. "I don't care anymore. They've controlled me my entire life. I'm eighteen now, I'm graduated, and I'm done with it." He just grins at me and pulls me in for a long, soft kiss.
Duff and I walk out of his room. Izzy, Slash, Popcorn, and Axl are all sitting in the living room and look up as we walk in. They all split the rent for this little house. "Ooohh" Steven coos. I run a hand through my hair as Duff says, "Shut up Popcorn" With a laugh. We endure the taunting until we get to the door. "Bye boys!" I yell as Duff is shutting the door behind us. "Want me to walk you home babe?" He asks. "Nah, I think it would make it worse." I say. "I'll see you soon though." I add. "Promise?" Duff questions, smiling. "Promise." I reply before kissing him goodbye.
When I get back to my parents house I walk in quietly. They aren't home from work yet. Phew. I'd rather not be bombarded as soon as I walk into the door. Jeremy walks out of his room. "Hey kiddo!" I say. "Dude mom and dad are pissed!" He says. "Oh well." I say as I head for the kitchen to get a drink.
At around five I hear my parents come inside. Here goes. "Ashley Margo Desario, come out here right now!" I hear my dad's voice, louder than usual. I walk out of my room, feeling confident, which will probably infuriate them further. "Where were you last night young lady?" My mother questions, I can see that she's angry. Jeremy slinks out of his room, standing quietly. "Go back in your son!" Our father snaps. I get irritated, I hate it when anyone is rude to my little brother. "He can stay, I don't care." I snap back. My father's eyes are blazing, and so are mine. "Go back in your room!" He bellows. Jeremy shoots me a reassuring look before doing as he says. "Answer your mother's question." He orders. "I was at Duff's." I say, matter of factly. Both their faces turn red, their 'little girl' that's supposed to be a perfect little good girl, spending the night at her boyfriend's like some sleazy whore. I know that's exactly what they're thinking. Ive known that they're embarrassed of me even before I did this. "You were where?!" My mom yells, stepping toward me. "At Duff's." I say, showing no emotion in my face. "That's it. You're never allowed to see that piece of shit ever again. I forbid it." My dad yells. Now I'm angry. "He's not a piece of shit!" I scream at them. "He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and he obviously cares about me more than either of you do!" "Don't ever speak to us like that young lady!" He mom exclaims. "Why? Because you treat me with so much respect? I'm fucking eighteen years old and I'm not allowed to make any damn decisions on my own!" I snap. "Don't use that foul language." My mom yells. "You're just digging a deeper hole Ashley." My dad threatens. "Oh what are you gonna do? Kick me out?! Make my fucking day dad!" I scream, my blood hot. My skin pulses, I don't think I've ever been so angry. I'm tired of them acting like Duff isn't good enough for me or their precious family. He's always treated me with respect, which is more than I can say for them. "You're a little whore!" My dad yells at me, losing the remainder of his composure. I know by the way he blurted it out that he's thought it for a long time. "Oh yeah I'm a giant fucking skank! Well you know what? You'll never have to deal with the burden of this whore anymore because I'm fucking leaving, there's nothing you can do to stop me. You'll never fucking see me again." I scream at him.
I stomp off towards my room. "Good fucking riddance!" My mom screams. Is it bad that I love that they're angry? They never show any emotion, they never break down. I love that they finally let loose and showed me how they really feel about me because I've known for some time now. I grab a big duffle bag from my closet and start putting clothes in it. I put all my necessities in the bag and all the stuff that means something to me, carefully putting the picture of Duff and I on top before I zip it.
I walk out of my room and my parents are still standing there, fuming. They start yelling at me again but I ignore them and go into Jeremy's room, locking the door so they cant follow me. He sits on his bed, tears quietly streaking down his face. The sight makes my heart hurt. He obviously heard us, how could he not have? I sit down beside him and wrap my arm around his shoulder. "I can't go with you Ashley." He says. "I know you don't love mom and dad, and I understand why. But I do and I can't leave them." "I know kiddo." I reply quietly. "Will I ever see you again?" He whimpers before a sob hits his body. I pull him to me and hold him. "Of course! I'll come see you all the time. I'll come right to that window" I say, pointing at his window, "and I'll kidnap ya and we can go get ice cream or something. And you can always come see me at Duff's." "You promise?" He whimpers. "I promise. Hey look at me." I put my hand under his chin and force him to look me in the eye. "I'll never abandon you, ok? You'll always be my kiddo." I say, trying to laugh but instead I choke on a sob. I stand up, I know it's time for me to go. I walk to his window and open it. I crawl out and lean against it, he looks at me. "I love you kid." I say. "I love you too." He replies. I smile as best I can at him before turning to leave.
Tears streak down my face as I walk in the cold November rain to Duff's place. I've always sorta been like Jeremy's parent because even though our parents always provided for us, they never read to us, or even really talked to us or acted like parents. They never loved us. They acted as if we were nuisances that they never wanted. More so me than Jeremy. I think maybe it'll get better for him now that I'm gone. Maybe they'll actually treat him like he's their child now that I'm gone. I hope so.
By the time I get to Duff's I'm a fucking mess. My face is streaked with tears and my eyes are burning. I'm shaking both from crying and the frigid temperature. I knock. Izzy opens the door, worry hitting his features immediately. "Is Duffy here?" I ask, my voice wavering. I sound like a scared child. He pulls me inside quickly. "Are you alright?" He asks, hugging me. Steven jumps up from his seat on the couch and jogs over to us. "What happened Ash?" He says, petting my head. For LA rockers, they're pretty caring. They're actually some of the sweetest people I've ever met. All I can say is, "Duff?" "He's in his room sweetie." Izzy says. I walk towards his door.
I step into his room, surprising him. He starts to smile but then notices the bedraggled state I'm in. "Baby." He rushes to me and pulls me to his arms. "Angel, what's wrong?" Concern in his voice. I don't answer, I just put my hands on either side of his neck and kiss him. It's the only thing that will numb the pain of the internal agony I'm feeling. He seems to pick up on this and pulls me closer to him, kissing me back softly. When we finally break the kiss he leads me to the bed and sits down beside me. "Babe what happened?"
I tell him everything. I tell him about the fight and talking with Jeremy. I tell him how my parents never loved me. I tell him how I've always felt unwanted everywhere I go because of them. How I feel like I'm not good enough. I tell him about when I was eight years old and I got a brand new bike but the whole day my parents said probably five words to me. How they got angry at me for crying because they had ignored me on my birthday. How they called me ungrateful because they had gotten me what I wanted.
When I'm done Duff just pulls me into his lap like a small child. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead. "I'm so sorry babydoll. I'm so so sorry." I just smile at him a little, completely exhausted. "Wanna know somethin'?" He asks. "Mmhmm." I murmur. "You are wanted. You're all I've ever wanted and all I'll ever need. I love you more than anything else in this entire world. Not good enough? Baby, you're everything to me. If you're all I ever have in my whole life, I'll have more than enough." I start to cry again, this time a different kind of tears. I press my face into his chest. "Wanna know something else?" I nod. "We're gonna be amazing parents, y'know? We'll love our kids and never make them feel the ways your parents made you feel. Our kids will always feel loved and wanted." I look up at him, like he's my whole world, and he is. "And one more thing." He pauses. "What is it?" I ask. "I love you." He replies, smiling at me. "I love you more." I say, kissing him softly. He pulls back just an inch or two and looks into my eyes, "I doubt it."
