Love - Time - Death

Love

Dear Love,

Hi Love it's me,

I have come to the conclusion that I will never understand you. 

That I will be one of the many who will never understand you.

I think I saw you once. In flesh and blood, but you were like a ghost. There one moment, gone the next.

I know I saw you in my parent's faces as they watched me up on stage performing pantomimes as a child. I know I see you when my sister smiles at me. I see you in all my families faces, I hear you in their laughs, I feel you in the air between couples I pass on the street. I feel and see you every holiday, every Christmas, Halloween, Birthday and New Years.

But you seem to have forgotten me.

You kept me safe and warm as a child, you made the smile on my face come easier than the one I plaster on my face now. 

You were my comfort my solace. 

But now I'm not sure I even know who you are anymore.

You take this feeling you give people and you either find happiness in their happiness of love or you seem to find humour in us when you rip it away from us like it was never there.

Like you did to me.

I trusted you. I wanted you to stay with me but you moved on. And I don't know when you're coming back.

I know that I love my family, you left me with that feeling. 

But I can't remember feeling love, you took that away from me and you left me stranded playing dress up and house in this world. You made me numb to my feelings, you made me make my friends and family cry when I tell them I can't say the words "I love you" when they need it the most. 

And for that, I will hate you forever.

But I also love you, Love. I love how you made me feel as a child and how I feel towards my family even though I know my words will not say them for me. 

I'm not sure what you gain out of this. I don't know if it has something to do with my personal growth as a person. Or if it is just fun for you to watch and laugh at our expense at our misery in life. 

I haven't seen you in many years, I haven't felt you in my heart and I feel that when the time is ready, you will return and I will hate you so, so much for leaving me, even more so than now. But I need you to stay with me, hold me while I cry into your chest and hold you tight.

I want you to stay with me as I look into his eyes for the rest of my life.

I want you there when the time is right.

Is that too much to ask?

Or are we all just too selfish?