The Undone Part

It's me. It's me.

Yes it's me. Welcome to my very own. Very own what? Silly! I'll let you in.

I am at my room .

Where my dark secrets are in.

Shhh...

You should be quiet. Or else. You're going to die!

"Sunny!" It's mom.

"Yeah?!" I asked.

"Jeff is here. He wants to see you" mother answered.

"He won't come here so stop fooling me, mom" binuksan ko ung pinto mg kwarto ko saka siya nilapitan.

"No one can fool me. Cause I'm already fool. So don't you dare again mom" umupo ako sa may malapit sa mesang upuan.

"It's been a year" out of no where niyang sabi.

"It's been a year since he left you... But I guess you're still waiting for him. "

"No. I'm not waiting for him. He left me hanging. Then how can he assure that I'm going to wait for him?! I don't wish to see him anyway." Sabi ko.

"You talked too much. The cold sun of the Wilpha now talking too much. Which is not good for you"

"Why? Don't you want me to talk an---" pinutol niya ung sinasabi ko.

"It's pretty obvious that you are still waiting for him. Well. Sorry for bursting your bubble but he won't come. .. He is you're.."

"I know..." Tumingin ako sa kanya. " and now I'm suffering because of him. So I'm going to forget him. It is... forbidden to be with that man." Kahit sinasabi ko to ngayon. Gusto ko parin siya sa tabi ko. Ang kamay niya. Ang amoy niya. He left me. But I can't accept the fact the I want him here by my side. Over and over again.

"What if Hindi ka niya iniwan?" Tanong ni Mom.

"I don't know. But nong umpisa palang Hindi nga ako sigurado king iniwan niya talaga ako. O kung babalik pa siya. Ang alam ko. Tumigil lang ako sa paniniwalang. Babalik pa siya" sabi ko saka tumayo at binuksan ang ref at kumuha ng maiinom. Di ko rin alam bakit namin pinag uusapan to ngayon.

"Tumigil ka nga ba?" She asked the question that... Even I... I am not capable to ask to myself. If I even stop believing that he will come home. Again...

"I don't know yet..." Napasimangot ako sa sinagot ko. I'm always like this when it comes to him... Though I'd thought I've been moving forward and not backward. And moving on. Though its hard. I know I can do it. Even though I'm not sure if it's okay. Wala kasing closure.

I'm always ending to the words. 'What if' and 'even' 

I don't know actually what did I do. Or what should I do. Or how do I do. Now I don't even actually how to do with this feeling inside me. Every time I ... I... Think of him.

Eto ba talaga pag iniwan kang walang closure.?

Why did I do to lead me in this kind of tragedy?

Umakyat na ako at iniwan ang nanay ko sa ibaba.

I'm still questioning myself about him.

The great Sun of the Wilpha's.

Georgina Sunny Wilpha the great.

Wow. What a great name when you hear it. Cause its a cool name for my cousins.

But that was just before. Before I met him.

I have everything but I end up on nothing when he left me.

Do I hate him for letting me hanging? How can I even nag at him? He's not here.

And he won't be here. Just keep on telling to yourself you don't need him. I don't think that is right. Everytime Im telling that to myself I'm always saying I don't know what to do.

Nasanay kase ako na pag gising ko. Bago kumain at pagkatapos kumain. Kahit bago matulog o kahit nalingat man ako.

Nandiyan kasi siya. You can't blame me.

You can't blame me for not forgetting his name. His face. His voice. His hugs. His kisses. Lahat 'yon highly appreciated.

I can't even remember or should I say I don't want to remember that day. . .

Though I can still wait.

Day na nagging Days. Week na naging weeks. At month na naging months . 

Para along inahin na naglilimlim ng sirang itlog. Na wala kasiguraduhan na lalabas pang sisiw. How deep it is, right?

And again I question myself.

Can't he hug me?
Can't he cherish me again?
Can't he kiss me?
Can't we go back?

I always frown. I'm thinking and looking always at the brighter side but how can I? If the darkness is eating the light that gives me hope telling me:

"Don't assume again! Stupid"

It's ... Making me frown. Like it is my worse downfall.

Fall . . .

Falling....

Fallen...

Fails...

And it's failing. How can I reach the word 'failed' ? I'm always going back to the sentence.

"I'm falling for you. And I am loving you eternally"

Now I need the word failed to be free and not assume nor hope. For Not to look on the bright side. For not to be able to think of him. For forgetting him. For letting him go. For setting him free too. For.... I have many reasons but the funny thing is.  My heart can't do all of those. My heart... Why do you keep on messing up with my brain. Your only work is to beat for my body and not to beat for him fast!

Great.

Now I'm talking to my own heart.

Now. How can I even move forward if my heart keeps on pulling me back to my past?

Really. No I realized. I don't have to forget him. I can close my eyes for reality. But not to the painful and happy memories with him.

Once upon a time there was a princess. But I hate princesses so I prefer to be the witch.

Once upon a time there was a witch who fell inlove to a prince that is ... Ugh.

I should stop but I don't want the thing that I should. All I want is my wants and not my needs. And I'm always ending up to the bad deeds. This isn't peculiar  feeling. This thing called love. The love has already begun and not capable to stop. So I want to clear my mind and wait for him. For everyday that have to passed without him. I want him but I cannot have the things I want so I'll be ending up to the things it has to be. And I cant even say that it was meant to be. Cause would never be...

The thing that has started. And our undone will lead to the undone part...

-end-

(Sorry sa grammars at typos love lots!)

Ps. This is for you. If you only knew.