The Pain Of Life

January 4, 2014

Happy Reading.

Saturday-

Today was probably the worst day yet. I went to the mall with my family. We went to Sears and they had their black on black Allstars on sale, so my dad got me some. I wear a 10 in a guys, and I'm a girl, and I'm really insecure about that. And so I felt horrible about it when we checked out.

Then we went to the Disney store and I got a shirt. I wanted a different but it was too small. It made me want to cry, because I'm really insecure about my weight.

Then we went to Hot Topic and I felt really uncomfortable because everyone else there was skinnier and cooler and just overall better than me. A lot of them looked at me like I was a wanna be.

I didn't cut, because I forgot my blades at home. I wanted to so bad. I still want to, but I think after all this, I don't deserve relief. I felt like a waste of space, because when we up the escalator and got to the top I thought about jumping off. It was high enough that I would've died. It scares me.

My suicidal thoughts are getting out of control, because they're were screwdrivers that I thought about putting in my heart.

It terrifies me because I don't want my parents finding out about the suicidal thoughts.

I'm listening to sad music now and it's not helping but somehow it's making me feel safer.