BEFORE | JIKOOK

001 ─ past

Jeon Jungkook

──♡──

My chest heaved with the soft breath that I released, the fuzzy air visible in the cold, crisp weather. My eyes were low and firm on the cover of the small, old book that laid closed lightly over my rough palm. The book that held various sketches and masterpieces that were created at various different times, that held strong, various different meanings behind them. I had felt mixed feelings rushing throughout my body at the sight of the familiar dark brown cover, but I had felt conflicted to turn the cover and to reveal the old pages to myself. I had felt frightened of what I would have thought, or what I would've started to feel. The past could be so frightening, and I had always felt overwhelmingly afraid of allowing myself to dwell into the moments of my own history; even the happy, joyful moments. Sometimes the happiest moments hurt the worst, which made them all such a strong pain to remember.

I hated remembering, I hated thinking of it all. The thought of people, moments, and things that passed over time. Sometimes those things simply felt like just memories, or dreams. I had such a hard time accepting what happened, and I ignored it all- but that didn't change the fact that it happened. I held on to a false hope for so long, a false hope I didn't even deserve to hold on to. I had to realize, recognize, and live through it. But I didn't want to, I didn't want to live through the facts of the past, because I didn't want to live through the painful truths.

I had to recognize all that was happening, but the broken memories still remained inside of my mind, throughout the night and the day. I felt almost like I wasn't living anymore- I was so strongly concentrated on the inside of myself, I wasn't even registering and acknowledging the world. The dark world. But that wasn't okay, and I understood that. And I ignored it, because I didn't care about the outside anymore. I just wanted what I had before, but it wasn't right. It wasn't meant to happen- it wasn't meant to remain.

But the laughs, the small secrets or little teasing moments, all of those times where he pulled me into his arms in the intentions of comforting hugs- those moments meant so much to me. I knew that I enjoyed it all, I knew I loved it so much. I knew it kept me going, I understood that. As the moments happened, I thought of how much joy they brought me. They brought me an overwhelming amount of joy, a feeling that I had never experienced regularly, or at all, even.

His smile was too perfect, too absolutely endearing. And now, I wish I could've spotted that it was all such a cover. I wished I could've read his deep, sincere eyes, or even his gentle, loving actions. I could never read his words for what they truly meant, and I mistook him so much in so many different ways.

There was so much right in front me, pointing to different things and moments. I had been too caught up in my own self, in me, to even consider noticing. He was sweet. He was sweet like the nicest candies, never overly sweet in ways that were almost disgusting. But a sweet so perfect, it made a smile unconsciously fall over my lips.

I never really liked sweet things. But surprisingly enough, he was such an exception. What a perfect exception, the most amazing of all.
But I suppose, exceptions can be quite painful.

──♡──

authors note ;
hello loves ! it's nice to
see you all.
i hope you enjoyed this first chapter, this one will be much shorter than the others.

i appreciate your read,
and i hope to see you
in the next chapter !
have a marvelous week !