Dear Love,
Hi Love. Do you remember me? A lot of people say you're everywhere around, yet I've never known something to be just as elusive. Others feel good when you're named, others not so. But enough of the others now; it's just me right here, right now.
Love is affection, I would always write in autograph books friends ask me to fill. I associated love with smiles, hearts, togetherness. Just the good stuff. So that when I came to know it better I wasn't really prepared for all that it was.
You know Love, when you come, why couldn't you come just by yourself? It would be nice if you could come with happiness and all the good stuff, but why did you have to bring pain and sadness with you too?
Young and naive as I was, I thought when you'd come to me in the romantic sense I'd recognize it instantly. After all, I grew up well loved by my family. So it was puzzling and frustrating for me when I couldn't recognize you in every boy who tried to make their way into my heart. Was it not love what they gave me then? If it was love, maybe it wasn't enough? I did not want to hurt the person who's telling me he loves me. It was heartbreaking for me.
So I couldn't commit because I was not sure. Up to this day, I'm still not sure how I would recognize you in the romantic sense. I did try to invest in you though. Remember that? In the deepest part of my heart I knew it's not something that's for keeps and it is toxic for me, even too much to handle, but I wanted to believe it was the real thing. Foolish, huh. Growing up, I really thought that because I was good and doesn't hurt people intentionally, I would be accorded the same privilege. Later on, I've come to accept that was not the case. I could be good and nice but people can still hurt me. So, I came up with another defense mechanism; that they can hurt me but it won't be my loss at all. I still cried though. I felt betrayed. All because I tried to invest in you, Love. Maybe not entirely, but I think there was love nonetheless.
So I turned back to my source of forever love: my family. Of course they loved me my whole life, and I know they always will. These people will never hurt me, intentionally at least. I know they never meant to leave, but because I love them so much, when one of them has to go it hurt so much it felt like it's the end for me too. The feeling stays but the person is gone. Gone is that someone you would give your love to, so that you feel alone in dealing with that feeling.
During those painful moments, I truly wanted to give up on you. I've seen people in wreck because of you. Even if it's good, it hurts too. In my moments of solitude, I reflected. I tried to figure out the reason why things don't seem to work out for me. Don't I deserve to be loved? Or am I just being too much? But I realized something. I couldn't quite remember if it was a sudden realization or one that I conjured up over time. There is Someone who loves me more than anyone else does. And He always knows what's best for me. I hurt so that when I love again I could be wiser. If I lost anything, it's because something better is about to come. I know whatever I gave up I did because of Him.
So I tried to look deeper and umderstood that on the other side of the pain, I can say that you, Love, also bring happiness. I get to enjoy those moments spent with the people I love, their care and affection that I would always feel, the feeling that they would stand by me no matter what. And I can look back at these moments too. For me, this has always been the case with my family and friends. I still pray and I haven't given up on the hope that someday I will come to experience Love fully. So I say thanks Love, for bringing happiness with you.
I haven't given up on you. I haven't given up on the hope that someday I would experience it in the romantic sense. Perhaps I'm an idealist. I want my first love to be that someone who will be my companion in this world and in the eternal life. I won't be looking anywhere for you but I hope you come find me again. Love, shall you come to me again, I hope you come enough for two people. I can't be the only one loving him. And he can't be the only one loving me. Should you be enough, I would willingly embrace everything that comes with you: the happiness, the sadness and the pain. I hope too, that you come just with the right person. Until then, I'll be praying.
Always,
N
