We hadn't said anything since we sat down, right after that kiss. That kiss. I looked over at Juli as we sat in the grass, facing towards the school. Those kisses. I felt like I'd just thrown that perfect Hail Mary for the winning touchdown at the bottom of the last quarter, but this silence was really messing with my 'all hail conquering hero' feeling.
I sat with my knees up and spread, my elbows resting over them and my right hand holding my left in place; a manly way to sit that made girls notice our shoulder muscles, as Garrett said. Juli though, Juli wasn't looking at my shoulders; she wasn't looking at me at all. I don't really think she was looking at anything, to be honest. She was lost in deep thought, in that beautiful way of her's. But she had curled in on herself. She sat next to me with her knees bent to her chest, her arms hugging the backs of her thighs. Her eyes were clouded over in her thoughts, but more than that, her iridescence shown with raw emotion today, a pain I couldn't understand. Her glow had dimmed. Oh man, I wanted to take it away, I wanted her to feel the joy she tried so hard to put in the world, but I couldn't. I didn't even understand why it was there. So I leaned in carefully, tucking my finger under her chin to nudge her toward me.
I kissed her softly, slowly, trying to calm her and let her know what I think of her with every motion. I pulled back, knowing I had her attention now. "Hi." I said.
"Hi." she replied, with a smile, but sadness still stained the irises of her beautiful brown eyes.
"What is it, Juli? I'll listen. I'm here."
She looked conflicted and distracted, but after a pause she leaned her head on my shoulder. I kissed her hair and leaned my head against hers, waiting.
"My uncle, Daniel?" she said, "He, uh, he died today?" Her statements sounded like questions, her voice hitching up in rasps when the tears in her throat got in the way.
I sat up straight to look at her, accidentally throwing her off of my shoulder. She saw my face and nodded, swallowing swollen the tears in her throat. "He fell off a latter. Hit his head wrong, and now he's... He's gone."
"Oh, Juli." I didn't know what to say. "What can I do to make you feel better?"
She shook her head, her eyes distant and pained. "You can't. And I don't want you to? I kind of want to feel the grief for a while, I feel like I owe that to him? Like, it's a way of honoring him. He was... so innocent. He... he made people smile? I mean, the world doesn't really understand people like him. That's why he's not really accepted by society. But to those who knew him, he brought lots of warmth and laughter. So I feel like I need to spend some time without those things for a while, because he's not here to bring it."
I nodded, thinking it over. I guess it made sense, but I didn't want her to hurt like this.
"I feel guilty?" she confided quietly, then she finally broke out in those throat catching sobs she'd fought so hard to hold back.
"Oh, don't. You... you had nothing to do with it. It's not your fault." I told her, stroking her hair. Finally, she met my eyes, and her stress hit me more exactly. I saw the guilt in her eyes, and my resolve wavered just a fraction for a moment. "Right?"
"No, it's not that. I just feel like... well, I should be completely consumed with grief, but I'm not." she said, her eyes darting away again as if she was ashamed. She hid her face in her hands and used wiping her tears as an excuse. "I feel grief, but I'm not crippled by it like I should be. Part of me feels... full of euphoria, and it's your fault. I should be completely dead inside right now, but instead half of me wants to celebrate the moment I just shared with you. I... Shouldn't I feel awful? But I just can't shake the joy."
