The thought was driving her mad, insane. The simplicity of the task at hand, and her difficulty doing it made her want to scream. She had written the note that was the hard part. But now with the blade next to her vein, all she could do was stare. She wanted to die, she hated her life. She had cut before; a number of faint scars filled both her arms. Usually when she was feeling depressed she downed a bottle of vodka. The alcohol made her numb, numb to her problems and all the pain in her world. She would cry, cry for a while and then sleep. The vodka would make her sleep for hours, and it felt like days for her. She needed those momentary breaks from reality. She needed sleep, more than she needed air.
An hour passed and she still found herself in the same place. The note lying beside her, the blade in one hand. With her free hand she caressed her hair, twisting each individual curl. Her hair was done up today, she had a red dress on, simple but sexy. She was actually excited earlier in the day. She had a date. And she hoped this man that she had been casually flirting with for over a year would actually get her out of the deep dark depression she had been in for the months following Chris’s departure. Since he left she felt like her world had stopped. As she contemplated suicide again, she was brought back momentarily to the moment her and Chris first met.
It was her freshman year of college, she was lost. Hudson Valley is a big campus. She looked at her schedule happy that she got her mandatory gym classed switched for studio art. She hated gym, she hated running, and being in any sort of contact with people she was unfamiliar with. She had to bargain with her guidance counselor to have the class switched, a small smile grew on her face as she thought of the memory; she could be so persuasive when she wanted to be. In the second that she took her eyes from her schedule and looked back up to see where she was walking, she was stunned. His smile was the first thing she noticed, and she couldn’t help but smile back. His piercing blue eyes searching her soul. The first thing he ever told her was his name and how beautiful she was, he insisted they go out to dinner.
The memory quickly slipped from her mind as she was brought back to reality suddenly by the knocking on the door. She thought quietly to herself that maybe at the end, you start to think about the beginning. Her life didn’t actually begin until she met Chris, he was her beginning and end, her everything. But the intrusive knock on the door wasn’t a simple memory, it was a fact. Someone was knocking. The last thing she wanted was to get up and answer the door. It must have been at least ten minutes and the knocking still continued, she had no choice but to answer the door, the knocking was literally driving her mad.
She stumbled to her feet, her vision was blurry and it took her eyes a minute to adjust. The bathroom was a mess, she didn’t remember making one, but she must have. She walked through the bathroom into the living room and wobbled her way to the front door. She opened it slowly. Who could it be, she thought.
And there he was, her life. Standing right in front of her, his blue eyes searching her soul, the same way they did when she first met him. The alcohol buzzed through her veins and it took her mind about a minute to comprehend that Chris was standing in her doorway. She swiftly closed the door. She stared at the wooden door in shock.
And then the knocking began again.
She opened the door once more, she didn’t have a choice. If he knocked one more time she was sure her head would explode.
He looked even more beautiful the second time her eyes settled on him. She was no longer in shock. She looked at his blue eyes and lost it. Tears swelled in her eyes, it had been so long since she had seen him. He left without saying a word, without saying good bye, he was the reason she wanted to die, but he was also the reason she wanted to live, because she wanted to spend every second of everyday loving him.
