Simple Thoughts

It's Okay

I wake up every day, sometimes with difficulty to open my eyelids. I sit up on my bed and stare at the ground for a few minutes before standing up.

Because that's something I just have to do every day.

Stand up.

In many occasions I find myself wandering on the kitchen or the living room, not really aware of what I'm doing, even in some kind of sleepwalk, because there isn't anything else to do.

I'm not sure when it started, I just know that I have a life partner I can't get ride of.

They are my midnight thoughts, and morning tears.

They make me stand in front of a mirror, and see not only the outside, but what's also only visible to my eyes:

My weakness, loneliness,

My desireless soul.

I don't know when it will stop, I just wish it did. It makes me feel so selfish, egoist even of the thoughts that I can't help, of the things that I plead for.

I can't find a way out, and that scares me.

My essence has become so difficult for others to abstruse.

My sadness accretion is uncontrollable, even if it's not sadness, but something more.

It came, and absconded with a part of myself

A part I'm not sure when I'll get it back.

I can smile, laugh even, my states are so instable

I feel like a drifting boat,

The nights are my childhood nightmares. They leave me alone, always alone, to stare at the ceiling and think about all the things I wish I could do but can't, or all the things I can and want to do, but prevent myself from doing them because it would hurt others. To always go to sleep on a tearstained pillow.

I'm always floating somewhere between my excessive narcissism and crippling self-doubt. Like a dot into space. 

I'm always thinking, doubting, wondering.

If I was gone, it wouldn't hurt my sister too much, I would just be a flashing memory. I try to think more of how it could hurt her in many other ways through my parents, or through people in general. I think about that not because I wish that for her, but to prevent myself to be gone.

I think about if my life is actually going to be of any worth at all at any time, if I'll be good at anything, if I'll be able to make any difference at all, or just sit in front of a window watching the days fly by, and do nothing about it but just regret my existence.

Sometimes, many times, I wish I wasn't born at all. I wish this precious gift of life could had of been given to someone who would appreciate it and make something out of it, not to someone who's going to waste it.

I look at my mother and think of how much she must love me, and that it isn't her fault any of what's disturbing my mind. My now ambivalent life isn't her fault either. Any of this is her fault, she's a very busy woman, with so many things on her own mind, and who I know is trying her best to live a happy and optimistic life, I think about that when I try to be patient and understanding over that she doesn't completely understand.

She thinks it's just a teenage crisis, something similar to being upset about an argument with a friend.

I'm always afraid of asking for help, because it isn't normal, mainly because I fear that my situation will be underestimated, as a childish overreaction that has me anxious. She treats it like a 'crisis', as if it was a childish arrogant teenage girl 'crisis' over some crush or clique. But when my head it's too hard to deal with, I get the courage to ask for help, and the answer always is that it can wait for later.

She couldn't possibly imagine what it's really like to be in my head,

To cry every day, to feel sorry for myself, to think that I'm as much worth as a dirty coin on a street.

She couldn't possibly imagine what it feels like.

In a candor metaphor, it kind of feels like my head is a building on fire, and I'm on the last floor. Of course the idea of jumping terrifies me, but jumping is better than dying roasted by the flames.

Every single day feels like I'm in flames, and I just want to get out.

I am infinitely sorry for being like this, for thinking like this.

If it serves of anything, I never asked to be like this, or forced myself, it just happened and I can't help it or control it.

Regardless of my cogent and intolerable thoughts.

I look at my sister and think of how much I love her, and try to see the beauty in life, to bury myself in all the amazing things I perceive (emotions, touch, nature, etc.), ignoring our society's failures that I can do nothing about for now, even if it's difficult to do so. Trying to help in what's on my scope.

I still smile every day, and try to think positively because I have convinced myself that one day I'll wake up and suddenly everything will be okay.

I know that what I'm going through it's not easy for others to understand, that's why I don't ask for much comprehension, and I also know that they don't usually notice when I am really trying, when I am really achieving something, because they can't see it directly, they can't see how hard it is for me to keep what normally would be a casual conversation when in my head everything is falling into pieces, when I'm alone at night wishing I was gone but force myself to sleep for the good of all of us, when I try with all my strength not to cry about something that could be considered a minor incident, but that I can't help to cry about, when I'm trying to be tolerant but simply I had a rough day dealing with myself, when my mind is static but I try my best to be cheerful for the sake of the common happiness, nor when I'm on an activity or celebration and I try my very best to have a good time and ignore my troubling thoughts. They can't really see those things. So I understand, that it's not their fault if they accidentally hurt me with their words, because they don't exactly understand that I'm really sensible and breakdown for every minor incident.

I understand, I'm not an easy person to deal with, and that I am not a situation they are accustomed to deal with.

So in the end I am just grateful to have them, and to tell me they love me every day. Because that simple gesture lets me know, that they are somehow trying, and that I am somehow of some worth, and everything will be okay one day.

I am enough, I'll get through, I'll deal with it, and I'll be fine.