I'm Coming For You || one shot

  It’s just gotten so hard, how quiet the house is, how empty it seems to be even though I always feel like I am suffocating.  It doesn’t make sense, how something so wonderful can be ripped from you in a matter of seconds, how easy it is for you to lose something that means more than words can describe.

  It’s hard you know, being here without you.  I can hardly wake up in the mornings anymore knowing that the tea kettle won’t be screaming and I won’t feel the warm pressed of your lips against my neck; the way you wake me up every morning.

  It’s hard you know that I will never be given the chance to see you smile again, the way your lips pull up tight and the corner of your eyes crinkle.  I miss your laugh, the way it could always make my chest flutter with the thought that ‘you are happy’, knowing that I am what is making you happy.

  It’s hard, knowing that I can never feel your soft skin beneath my fingers as I run them across your back, the way you always loved when we were watching a movie together.

  I sit on the couch every night and watch old home movies, especially our wedding night.  It was so magical, how stunning you looked; the way there was this glow that seemed to follow you around everywhere.  The tape is getting worn though; it skips at different parts from how many times I have played it. 

  I just miss how every night we would kiss softly goodnight, how you would curl into me, fitting against me like a puzzle piece – as if we were made for each other. 

  Is it just so hard for me to ask for at least one more kiss?  I just want to touch you at least one more time.  What about your laugh?  I just want to hear the way your voice echoed throughout the room with joy.

  Sometimes I think I hear it you know, when it’s late at night and I can’t sleep.  I can hear it, almost as if you are still lying beside me.  I might be going crazy, but I was already crazy in love with you.

  That’s another thing I missed about you, the way you would always call me a sap or cheesy when I would go on and on about how much I love you.  I just wanted you to know, that you were it, you were my everything and I was in it for the long run no matter what happened.

  We always dreamed of growing old together, how crazy we might have been when we are old and can hardly even rely on each other at that point, or how we would always be the ones to hold big family parties and playing out back with the grandkids and laughing about good old times with the boys.

  Dammit, I miss you so much.  I cry myself to sleep every night just hoping and wishing I can see you again.  It’s hard; everything I do now is just hard.  Waking up, eating, showering, talking to someone, and going to bed.  Going to bed is the hardest because that’s when everything is just so quiet and I can’t hear that way you breathed in soft little pants.  I miss just knowing that you were beside me and I always felt so safe.

  I can’t do it anymore though.  I know you would want me to be strong, but it’s been a year, one year and I cannot take being in this life without it.  It was never suppose to be like this, being without you.  Why did you have to leave?  I can’t take it!  I can’t take how someone so out of their mind could do such a thing, to take someone else’s life because of their own stupid mistakes.  If only I would have known, then I could have stopped you from going out that morning because we were low on milk… maybe the driver would not have taken you from me.

  But now I’m going to come get you, I’m going to come find you baby so we can be together again just like we promised.  I can’t be in this life without you, so I’m coming for you baby… I’m coming for you.

  Just be there when I come, okay?  Be there with open arms and a big smile – that’s all I ask.

  I love you Louis, and in this life, I can’t live one more day without you.

                Love Harry Tomlinson, your husband and best friend.

  And as he drops the pencil and stands from the table, he slowly pulls his husbands old football jersey over his head before slipping on his shoes.  He slowly descends down the front steps and with a shaky breath he walks to the park.  It’s just reaching dawn; no one is out at the moment, giving the boy his privacy as he says his final goodbyes.  As he rounds to the bridge that stands above the rocky river, he climbs over the railing, tears streaming down his face and with a whispered “I’m coming for you Louis”, Harry let go.

i am in fucking tears, i am so sorry.