Fix You Chapter 1
A/N Well hey. I came up with this during school, and started writing it on a piece of paper. I'm now posting chapter one, and from what I know now, this is going to be one mother of a phanfic.
dedicated to @midnightshadow13
Prologue
Dan Howell didn't speak. Well, he could speak he just chose not to. His voice had been made fun of since he was 12, and at 15 when his parents got divorced, and he got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression, he started getting called emo and gay, and he was beat up almost everyday. That's when he lost it. He had a mental breakdown, and stopped talking most of the time. He did talk, only to teachers and occasionally his therapist or his mother, but that was it. Dan had put up his barriers and no one was getting past them. At 16, Dan thought he was bisexual. His mother was not very supportive of him when he told her. She said she's going to kick Dan out when he turns 18. Later that year he realized he was gay, and his mother went crazy. That shouldn't have been a problem in school, there were so many other gay people there. Hannah, Ingrid, Tyler, Connor, and Joey. Worst of all there was Phil and Troye. They had been dating for two years and they were the schools power couple. They weren't mean to him, they were actually quite sweet, but the problem was, Dan had a huge crush on Phil, and everyone knew about it, accept Phil himself.
Dan is now 17 and still struggling. He's found a friend actually, his razor blade. It's his sweet release. Luckily, no one's found out about his cutting, even though he wears long sleeves everyday and it must be suspicious. Phil and Troye broke up last year, which was the only thing the school talked about for about a year and Phil was now a single man. Today is the day that Dan is going to try to talk to him.
Dan's POV
I walked up to Phil at lunch and tapped him on the shoulder with shaking hands. He turned around and cocked his head to the side, looking curiously at me.
"Hi, Dan is it?" He asked.
"Ph-Phil I-" I stuttered. This was when things went to shit. I started crying. (You see, I do this a lot and it has never amounted in anything good) I backed away slowly and was about to run away, before Phil grabbed my hand and pulled me into a nearby bathroom.
"It's okay, shh." He said pulling me into a hug. Despite being shy, I latched onto his shirt and began to cry into his shoulder.
"What's wrong Dan?" He cooed. How does he know my name? I asked myself.
I looked up into his eyes, trying to speak, but I failed.
"Wait a second, you don't talk anymore do you?" He figured it out.
I nodded and sniffled.
"Do you think you could talk for me? I can take you to my house if it makes you more comfortable." He said. I nodded again and stood up when he did, following him outside to his car.
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After a five minute drive, we walked into Phil's flat.
"Hey it's pretty hot in here, you should take off that sweatshirt, I'm sure it would cool you off." He said, trying to pull my sweatshirt off.
"No!" I yelled, backing away from him, starting to cry again.
"Woah, okay. You don't need to. Come on up to my room and we can talk."
And so we talked, and to my surprise, he got me to open up. I ended up telling him my whole story, besides the part about me cutting of course.
"Oh wow. I didn't know you had such a story!" Phil exclaimed. "You want to hear mine?" He asked.
"If you're comfortable.... okay yes." I blushed.
"Okay, so I have bipolar disorder, I'm sure you know what that means, and I'm not as happy as anyone thinks. I'm 18 now, and my parents kicked me out when I came out to them. They gave me their old car, and I had to rent my own apartment and get my own job. When I broke up with Troye, I was in a depressive swing, but luckily I came out of that within two weeks and went back to being the Phil that everyone knows. Still, I'm not the person everyone thinks I am." He said, pulling up his sleeves. "I struggled with self harm issues in the past, and this is just some of the damage I did to myself." I looked at his arms with my mouth hanging open. His cuts were fading, unlike mine, but they were still visible. I then decided that I should confess too. I slowly took off my jacket, and revealed my scars to him.
"I can't stop Phil." I whispered, before bursting into tears. He pulled me close, starting to cry as well.
"I can help you Dan, please stay close to me I promise I can help you. You can even stay at my house until you have enough money to get your own place, if you feel comfortable enough." I just stayed in his arms and nodded, sobs racking my body. We stayed in this position for a while until I started to get tired.
"I promise I'll fix you." Was the last thing I heard Phil say, before I fell asleep.
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Phil's POV
Let me just say this day was not normal. I made a new friend. I opened myself up to Dan, and he did the same. I hope I can make him better, I'll do everything I can.
"Where am I?" Was the sound I woke up to, and to be honest, I had no idea who this person was at first.
"Dan? It's Phil." I whispered. "Don't be scared."
"Oh." He sighed. "Nevermind then."
"It's fine." I said, placing my hand on his, "hey it's Saturday! Let's go make pancakes!" I exclaimed, pulling Dan out to the kitchen with me, if you haven't figured it out yet, I really like pancakes. We then made the pancakes, surprisingly not spilling any batter of burning anything. As we sat down to eat, I said, "you know you can tell me if you have a problem, right? I'm here for you. Oh yeah, and if you have any medicine or clothes at your moms house, you should probably go get that stuff."
"I don't want to go back Phil! Please don't make me!" He tried, and failed to make his cutest face, just to convince me.
"I don't want you to go through any medicine withdrawal symptoms. We have to get your things." I sighed.
"Will you come with me?" He asked.
"Fine, you know what? That's actually a good idea. Let's finish eating before we go."
______
"Okay, let me just warn you, my mother is not the nicest person. I'm going to need you to pretend to be my boyfriend, okay?"
"Okay, fine. Let's just get in there and get your things."
We walked into his house, and Dan went to a cabinet to get his meds.
"Hey I'm here with my boyfriend, Phil. I'm moving in with him. Let me get my stuff." Dan yelled.
"Finally, you're leaving. Thank god, get your stuff and get out, you're never allowed back here." His mum said, she didn't sound to angry, just annoyed, but her words showed her true emotions.
"Lexapro, Prozac, Ativan. Okay I got my pills, let me get some clothes and stuff." I nodded, following him up to his room.
Ativan? I haven't taken that in years. isn't it a sedative? I put that thought aside and waited for Dan. I watched as he shoveled things into a bag.
"Clothes, Shoes, Headphones, Laptop, chargers, toiletries... I think I'm good. We can go now." He said. I stood there staring at the ceiling. Thinking about nothing in particular, sort of just staring. I could tell something was up with me, I just wasn't sure what.
"Phil, Phil! Come on, we need to get out of here! Wait, are you okay?" He said, searching my face for emotions.
"Oh, uh yeah I'm fine. Let's go somewhere... Oh! I know, we can go ice skating! I know this great outdoor ice rink near here, and I think it would be fun to try out!" I chirped, taking his hand and bringing him to my car.
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Dan's POV
*at the ice rink*
"Phil, I don't want to do this!" I groaned as he laced up my skates. "I've never done this before, I'm scared!"
"Hey, I've done this a few times, I'm sure you'll be fine, it's not that hard."
Let's just say Phil was wrong. Very wrong. We both had no idea what we were doing, and ended up falling on each other every few feet, and hysterically laughing everytime it happened. We left the rink with a few new bruises and a lot more trust in each other.
We got hot chocolate and fried dough on the was home, now by the time we were at Phil's- I mean our flat, it was 10 pm and we were both tired. Phil let me sleep in his spare room, while he slept in his room. I fell asleep much faster than usual that night, thinking about what it would be like to date Phil.
Phil's POV
I fell asleep after a little while, I think it was 11 pm, but I was awoken a little while later, at 3 am, by a loud cry. I sat up and bed and stayed like that for a few minutes, questioning what the noise was, before Dan came into my room crying
"What's wrong?" I asked
"Phil, I-I wanted to... hurt- I don't, I need to!" He cried.
"Hurt who?" I asked, although I already knew.
"Me." He whimpered.
"Dan, come here." I cooed, opening up my arms to him.
"No! I need to do it!" He screamed.
"No you really don't." I said, getting up and trapping him in a hug, squeezed him, tried to make him feel safe.
"Let me go!" He yelled, as I sat down on my bed, still holding him. He squirmed, but I didn't budge. I just stayed there, rocking him back and forth, until he calmed down. We sat there for what felt like hours before I finally spoke,
"I'm proud of you. You know that right?" I smiled.
"Why? I'm just so useless. I'm not good for anything." Dan said, tears starting to fall again.
"You are not a failure. You knew to come to me when you wanted to self harm, and that takes a lot of courage. I wouldn't have been able to do that when I was having hard times." I said.
"I just can't do it anymore! I don't need to rely on you to make me feel normal! You can just leave me alone, I promise I'll be fine!" He looked up into my face with those eyes. Those rich, brown, glowing eyes. He looked.... beautiful? No phil Lester, this is not the time to be thinking these things. I mentally kicked myself before talking again.
"No matter what you say, I'm not letting you go. I made a promise, and I don't break my promises." Now I was starting to cry, and I realized what was wrong with me earlier. I was starting to crack, and I was too scared to go back to the way I used to be. I was hurtling down towards a low swing.
"Please don't go." I whimpered, "just stay with me."
"Fine." Dan sniffed, I held him tighter and buried my face into his shirt.
"Let's go to bed now, okay? We can have a lazy Sunday tomorrow. Sound good?"
He nodded, and we both got under my duvet, cuddling until we both fell asleep. I
