Cicadas and Moonlight

By day he was a holy man, the holiest of holies.  By night he was like any another man, smoking just another cigarette and downing another beer under the silent moon.

"Hello."

He could have crushed out the cigarette. Hidden the beer. But Sanzo did not. "Hakkai." He did not even bother to look up.

"You come out here each night." Hakkai sat on Sanzo's ledge. Sat next to him as if they had done this so many times before.

"Keeping tabs?"

Hakkai pointed out the window. Down, across the stone garden in the courtyard, to a crooked door hanging from one hinge meters away from the communal restroom. "I see you through a gap between the frame and the slab in my sleeping quarters."

"You either really want a cigarette or you're treading on dangerous territory." Sanzo offered him one from the pack.

Hakkai shook his head. "I'll tread."

Sanzo took a long drag. A slow drink. "What do you want?"

"You looked lonely. And since I am, too..." He shrugged. "It's natural to look for company."

"I don't want it."

"Tell me to leave."

"Tch. Do what you like."

He took his glasses off. Let Sanzo get a good look at that glass eye. At that almost feminine face. "I want to stay."

Sanzo put his can down. "Getting ideas? Think I want something special?" He said the last word like a curse.

"Sanzo, you do not seem like the sort who collects companions. There must be some reason you decided to keep me." Hakkai pressed his lips together. "I need to know what that is."

"There is nothing I want from you."

"You would never be that frivolous. What are your intentions?"

Sanzo took a deep drag. The smoke plumed, glowed in the moonlight. Hakkai gently coughed. Politely. "You seem to have an idea."

"Oh, do I?"

Sanzo narrowed his eyes as the smoke thickened. "Don't play games, damnit."

"Why, Sanzo? Why keep me with you?"

Suddenly Sanzo was up. Gun aimed and cocked. Smoke curled around him. Caressed him. Kissed him. "You think I want you?"

Hakkai put his hands up.

"Say it."

"Sanzo, we don't need to-"

He knocked over the table. He leaned against Hakkai's chair. He got right in his face. He snarled. "No more bullshit. Say it! Say, Sanzo, you want me!"

The cicadas and the moon and the night seemed to hold their breath as Hakkai and Sanzo stared into each other's eyes. And the sinner reached out. Touched the saint's cheek.

And saw-

All his loss
All his pain
All his emptiness

Hakkai saw it all in Sanzo's eyes. And then he understood why he was chosen.  

"What are you doing?" Sanzo looked so angry. But his voice was so soft, like first morning light. "What are you...?"

Hakkai turned his head. Closed his eyes and kissed the hand holding the gun.

Looked back at Sanzo like he was...

And it felt so...

"All right?" Hakkai smiled back at him.

And when Sanzo looked at that smile he saw

All his loss
All his pain
All his emptiness

"No." Sanzo swallowed hard. "No, it's not all right."

"Yeah." Hakkai stood up. Took Sanzo's hand to point the gun at his own chest. "It'll never be all right."

"And so what?"

"Exactly. So what?" Hakkai let go. Sanzo's hands went to his sides. Then Hakkai caught the other one. Caught it and rubbed the knuckles against his lips. "So what?"

Sanzo watched his lips move. Felt them move. Felt himself being pulled closer.

Closer. Oh.

They were pressed together, the sinner and the saint. Held each other. Shared each other's breath. And then somehow... Somehow... Slowly, with an unsteady sigh, one of them leaned forward. Cocked his head. And then-

The world shifted as Sanzo and Hakkai kissed. Gently. Carefully. Sanzo closed his eyes. Hakkai opened his mouth just a little. And they tasted each other.

Hakkai stepped back. Peeled the clothes off, and stood there. Exposed. The terrible scar, the pain and ache - it was all there.

Sanzo fell to his knees. Bowed his head. His hair felt so soft when Hakkai cupped the back of his head. His mouth felt so warm. His mouth- 

"Oh!" Hakkai collapsed against the wall. Slid down, down, down. And Sanzo was going up and down, up and down. Slurping. Yeah.... Gagging. Ahhh....

"Hey!" Sanzo was slipping out of the robes. Jeans? Really? Hakkai undid the fly. Pulled down the denim. Just enough. Just enough to give him a reason to bend his head and do those things; things he'd never done before-

Sanzo let his hands fall to his sides. Then let his hands rake through Hakkai's dark hair. Pull at his hair. Demanding he suck more. More, more, more. And he did.

Sanzo yanked him away. Suddenly they were kneeling face to face. Mouth to mouth, bodies grinding and hands clutching. The feeling was taking them to a place where there was

No more pain
No more loss
No more emptiness
No more

++

The cicadas "tch, tch, tch'd," though Hakkai did not say a word. He just got dressed. Finger combed his hair. Put his glasses back on. Put the table and it's proper contents in their right place. Put the beer cans in the trash.

Sanzo sat on the window ledge and smoked. He did not turn his head when Hakkai stood there.

"You done?"

"All clear."

"No, damnit. Are you done worrying about what will happen next?"

Hakkai smiled ruefully. "Worried?" He shrugged. "Not really. But it's only natural to wonder."

He took a long drag. "You couldn't even bring yourself to tell me what you wanted. And now you want to 'wonder' what it meant. What do you think, idiot? It means dick. Literally. Dick. So stop your fucking wondering and straightening up bullshit. It's pissing me off."

Hakkai remembered that moment, down there on the floor, when Sanzo came apart in his arms. When he gasped and looked into Hakkai's eyes. He was closed off again. Remote again. Untouchable again.  He saw no sign of his pain.

"Let me have that." Hakkai took his cigarette. Sanzo  cocked his eyebrow as Hakkai took a long deep drag, then threw it out the window. "You're not the only one who's pissed off." He left with a smile.

You're not the only one.