Athira

I sit on the edge of the bed looking through the open bay doors. The moon can be seen through the whispy clouds that dot the sky. I reach over pulling the silk robe from the wooden chair and wrap it around my bare shoulders. I jar the bed pulling Joshua, my husband, from his deep slumber. His warm hand touches my shoulder as he pulls himself over to me.

"What are you doing?" His voice is thick with sleep but still he stays awake. He kisses my shoulder pulling the robe away as he does. I tilt my head to the side, going through the motions, but I don't feel any real connection with him. His hand soon drops from me and I look back at him. His blue eyes look black in the dark but I can feel them searching my face.

"Just go back to sleep." I whisper as I pull the robe back over my shoulder. He sighs but let's his head fall back to the pillows. I can still feel his eyes on my back but I do my best to ignore them.

"Will you ever love me?" His question no longer shocks me. He has asked it to me every night since we were married. A thought enters my mind but I can't think of it... ever. If I allow one memory to enter then the rest will follow. "Will I ever be enough or has he taken to much from you?"

"Just go back to sleep." I push to my feet but my wrist is caught before I can move from the bed. I look down at him as he holds onto me. With a light tug I sit back on the bed but I can no longer look at him. I can't face that I will never love him. I think he will let me go if I say nothing but he doesn't. Instead he moves his hand up to my cheek and caresses the scare there lightly. I turn my head in shame but he catches my chin.

"Will you please answer me? I already know the answer but I need to hear it from you." He drops his hand back to the bed but I still cannot look at him. I am stuck in my place by fear. Fear that I will lose myself if I let go. Fear that I will lose the memory of him if I let go. Fear that I will let down those closest to me if I ever let my guard down. I came back to this life but I never thought it would be so hard. Not after everything.... I can't think of that. "Athira, please just answer me. Will you ever love me enough to open up? To tell me what goes on in that mind?"

I had once loved Joshua more then anyone. I had once told him my darkest secrets but now I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't open my heart to him as I once had. All the years of running, hiding and fighting had forced me to build a wall and barricade myself behind it. There had been only one person who had gotten past it but he was gone now. He wasn't in my life anymore and it was because of him that the wall had solidified. He was the reason I could never love Joshua the way I should.

"Athira." He hand touches mine and for a moment I can feel my old connection with him. I can feel my love for him buried deep beneath everything else. But there is so much on top of it that I know I will never be able to bring it back up. His voice is so gentle that it makes me feel guilty. I don't deserve him. Not after what I've done. I can hear, in the way he says my name, that he loves me more then anything. I close my eyes as tears well in them and decide it's the least I can do for him. I can at least tell him why I can never love him.

"Our first wedding night, all those years ago," he nods at me so I continue, "I had no idea back then the extent that my sister would go to get the throne. I don't think anyone did. We all know now that she was willing to kill our father for it..."

"Athira," he gives my hand a squeeze and I look over at him questioningly, "I already know all this. I already know she framed you and you had to leave. I know this part of the story."

"No you don't." I pull my hand from his as I get to my feet. I walk to the patio looking out over the sea. The cool night air nips at my skin but I ignore it. It's not long before he follows me out and I begin to tell him what really happened. "The story you know is fake. Availa did so much more then any of you know. Our mothers love for her is what has kept the truth from coming to light. That night happened nothing like you think it did. There was so much more to it then you could imagine. My sister didn't simply want the throne, she wanted me dead. She wanted something that lay within me that she could never have as long as I lived. If she had succeeded in killing me, any of the times she tried, there would be nothing left of this world.

"That night, while everyone stood shocked that my father, their king, was dead, my mother found a way to get me out the castle before Availa could even point her finger at me. She had known that Availa would betray me so she prepared. A Knight took me from the castle before it all happened. Sir Keegan, was his name..."